An update is long overdue

I don't write as often as I would like to, because it does take a tremendous amount of effort. I have been concerning my energy to do many of the different activities I have been doing lately, and focusing on just getting them done. This is good in many ways, but at times not so good, as I am focused on the final outcome and don't always allow myself the time I need to rest. However, if I did things based on how I felt, I would never get anything done. So I plug away, doing my very best, and then it hits me. The wall of fatigue, and tears, and the overall general weakness in my body. Right now I'm in tears, just because I'm so exhausted. Have I enjoyed the things I've been doing? Yes. But sometimes I wonder what it costs me.
Still, maybe it would cost me more if I didn't engage in these other activities. I have to focus on things outside of myself, outside of illness, outside of how hopeless and disappointed I feel at times. I have to focus on the positive things, the possibilities, and the promises. Yesterday my mom was asking me questions about treatments, and how you can heal from lime disease. I answered her, knowing she needed to know the answers, and having he wanted to talk to her about it before. But at the same time I didn't want to talk about it. Because it brought home again, how challenging this diseases, how hard it is, how costly it is, and how devastating it is to have to contend with this on a daily basis. Right now, instead of laying down and taking a nap, I really want to organize some things in the house. I want to clean, go buy a new broom - since mine broke, and vegetable peeler - since mine disappeared, and some other things that have been on my mind. To have the vision, and lack the physical capability, is very frustrating. I watch other people who, with veritable ease, handle their household things without a second thought.

I had this in a draft and will post it. Then I will do something different... stay tuned.

Change is afoot!

Okay, so I have thoroughly been blessed while working with Gary Blier, of Advanced Cell Training. (www.advancedcelltraining.com) I am currently not doing ANYTHING else, outside of my dietary shifts, and meeting with a woman Gary recommended. Her name is Doris, and she has quite a gift. Such godly insight, and actually communicates with angels. Some people do get to do that... Lol. Anyway, it was amazing to talk to her yesterday, and Gary today. Both conversations confirmed my belief that I had pre-birth trauma. Since the work I have been doing with Gary, and how I was ready to talk to Doris (and those results), I am seriously seeing an amazing shift. Also crucial to this success and the results God has been putting together, has been Dr Lyndsey Elizabeth, my friend. She is a prayer warrior with an incredible healing gift. She took me through a DEEP layer of wounding, to healing. I'm incredibly excited!

Now, you may wonder how I'm doing physically. Predominantly, the issues I'm dealing with currently are fatigue (seems to have begun a shift) and all over body pain. Owwie! Once the pain and fatigue lifts, I'll know I've come a very long way. :) I have, much, anyway... but the big shift is coming from this beginning shift. For YEARS I have known and expected the holiday season to produce something incredible, and every year I have been excited and waited to see the major shift... but it didn't happen. Still, I KNEW it was supposed to happen during the holiday season, and I waited. Often very disappointed. But this year, the anticipation and excitement is palatable and greater... WOW! Just wait... so thrilled to share this journey with you all and see the massive breakthrough arriving. Yay!!!!

Multi-layer steps, moving right along. Often feeling very slow, but 37 years of stuff doesn't usually just resolve overnight. Body, mind, and spirit are being healed. THANK YOU JESUS!!!

(Oh, and guess what? I applied for a JOB! Ha!!!)

Oh, the fatigue... go away.

My days typically are not as eventful as most mothers, in terms of accomplishments, but as I heal up more and Avalei starts preK, this will change. Actually, maybe what accomplishments are with healthy women would be different. Getting out of bed is a big deal.

Today was a toughie, already. So I was up at 7:36am, realizing Jim was sound asleep next to me, and the kids were up. OMG!!! Jim should have been up and doing the morning routine! He lost his phone, which doubles as an alarm, and should have asked me to use mine. I didn't even think of it.

Off he goes to ensure the older two are ready for school, dressed with lunches, and off they go. I head to the girls room because isn't that how everyone begins their day? And get a text that the babysitter I'd hired to help out this morning (I'm very tired and could tell I was fighting something last night) informing me she had severe cramps and couldn't come. I would have cried, but I was too tired. 8:00 and time to get on a health call that is helping in my battle with Lyme disease. Sometime between 8:00-9:00 Jim kissed me goodbye and left. I put on some soothing music after the call, part of protocol, and crash. Could.not.keep.my.eyes.open. Avalei is in and out, talking to me as I nearly drool on myself. Just kidding, but only about the drooling part. I remember groggily praying for supernatural nanny angels, or something along those lines. This went on until 12:15 when I checked FB, hoping to stay awake for my kiddo, and my mom called. I haven't eaten a thing. Avalei did, and I'm certain because I first asked Jim, and then she came and said hi, as she ate.

Now I close windows, turn on a/c, and make lunch... assuming I don't fall on the floor.

This isn't every day. Thankfully. Now to enter the main part of the house and see what my fatigue has cost me.

Oh yay! She was merciful. Phew! :) Imagine first trimester fatigue... that's what I can compare this to, from experience. Why doesn't she nap anymore???

It's now 12:45, and is still be sleeping if I wasn't forcing myself up.

Tomorrow will be better... I'm holding onto that hope!

I need you.

I need you.  Yes, you.  I need your compassion.  Your understanding.  Your unconditional love.  Sometimes I need you to pat me on the back, to hold my hand, to send me a note of encouragement.  I need you to pray for me, and breath hope into me when mine has worn down to its core.  I need you to smile at me and to wipe away my tears.  I need you to see me, through all the things that could potentially keep you from seeing me clearly.  I need you to care.  I need you to be careful about offering advice, as often it is not what is truly helpful.  Sometimes I need you to bring me something.  Or to ask if there is something you could bring me that I really need, or maybe even just want.  Sometimes I want you to come over with a funny movie, so we can just laugh.  I need to laugh.  Tell me funny things.  My body hurts, and sometimes just a gentle back rub will mean the world to me.  Sometimes a card in the mail makes me feel on top of the world.  Knowing you have your own life going on, and your challenges and frustrations, but you remember me, makes me feel cherished and special.  I need that.  I need you to keep your word.  Please don't make me promises, and then back out.  Either don't make any, and surprise me, or keep them.  When I am in a place of desperate need of help, and you answer a prayer, but then really don't, it is devastating.  I am doing my best, and as long as this is all my best is, I don't need extra disappointment and to have to figure something else out last minute.  Please, don't take on things you shouldn't, even if your heart is really big.  I don't want that.  But if you can offer something, and want to, by all means... :)
Often a text or a phone call will take very little time from you, especially since my ringer is off 99% of the time, but will mean so much to me.  If I am on your heart, tell me.  That gives me a boost.  If you think of me and want to see me, ask me.  If I can manage a visit, I would LOVE one.  I miss you.  Even if you just pop by.  If you do stop it, when you see me beginning to droop, make me lay down.  You don't have to leave then, unless you can see I need you to, but I miss you so much I could overdo it.  Things I love, vanilla candles, or any pumpkin, cinnamon, sugar cookie candle.  I like lightly scented bath stuff.  I like herbal teas, and decaf chai.  I love fuzzy socks.  hehe  I like pretty scarves, and hats are delightful.  I love positive sayings for home decor, and love scriptures you can hang.  I'm right now visually craving autumn decor, since I don't have any anymore.  I love fruits and veggies, yes! And butternut squash soup rocks those fuzzy socks off my feet.  Call me crazy, but I am going vegan.  For my health.  I am taking my life back, yes indeed.  How do you spell love?  Vacuuming, dishes, and toilet cleaning.  Don't you spell it that way too?  I love books, reading is something I have begun to be able to do again.  I love mixed bouquets, exception of lilies, which hate me.  Darnit.  I love good worship music.  Do you have a puppy?  Or a baby?  Bring that little one to me so I can snuggle it!  :)  I love pretty things around me... there is something amazing about surrounding yourself with beauty.  I love fresh, organic herbs.  Because of the health crisis I am in, I am very careful about what I consume, as a rule.  Organic is a wonderful thing.  I love card games, but all my cards are gone, darn the luck!  ;)  Bring cards, I will whoop you.  hahaha  One important thing to remember as I heal is this... just because I seem excited, happy, and effusive with personality bubbling out of me, doesn't mean I won't rapidly hit a wall and slide right down it.  Don't assume I am doing all that much better, until I say so.  Looks can be deceiving.  Am I improving?  I think so.  But I don't yet really "feel" it.  I can do more, every so often.  And when I am able to, my endurance is longer, but nothing near normal.  Please keep in mind that when I think I am feeling well, I can quickly turn a corner and feel like I am going to pass out.  This makes me feel badly as I find myself concerned about how this will affect you.  Remind me in these moments, that it is about me.  I have been told to focus on me, and I know I need to.  This is difficult for me.  Don't let me get away with deflecting that.  It is dangerous for my health, for real.  I want to be well.  For me, for you, for the purpose God has for me.  The enemy is real, but he is weak when compared to the awesome power, authority and glory of my Father God.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness... well look at that, I feel useful.  :)  I need to rest and to eat.  Probably not in that order.  As you read this words, know that they likely apply to anyone (overall) that is dealing with any chronic, crippling disease or ailment... even severe depression.  Please be gentle with one another.  It is hard to share this with everyone, and most won't.  Always operate in love.  Please.  Always.  And thank you to all of you who have been there for me, in any way.  You are sowing good seed.  XOXOXO

Progress is progress, even if only baby steps.

Baby steps. Sometimes I feel I should be doing more than baby steps, but reality is that this is huge progress. I should celebrate every victory, and I keep saying I do and it's true. Still, there are other times where the slow progress makes me feel frustrated and sometimes a bit disappointed. I have so many hopes and dreams, so many plans for my future and my family, and slow progress doesn't quite fit with my heart's desires.

I am determining to be pleased with any progress I make. Trying to recognize the distance I have come in the last several months, and what a big deal that is. I was rapidly going downhill, and although it was hard for me to see how poorly I was doing, there are many who began to recognize it, and see the changes since then more clearly than I do. The truth is, I was doing so poorly, that I couldn't even wrap my mind around what was going on. I think maybe there's this inherent part of us that doesn't want to allow us to see how bad things are. It could be that I am a positive person by nature, and it wasn't something I always recognized because of the illness. It could be that I realize that God is always wanting what's best for me, and always breathing life into my being. And it's that desperate attempt to remember to concentrate on those truths and believe him and trust him, that have often disallowed me to see my reality. Now I say my reality, because my current reality doesn't match God's truth. But it's getting closer and closer every day.

An example of my reality coming closer to the truth is that I got up this morning, I did my praise moves workout, I got myself ready and put make up on. Those things in themselves are humongous accomplishments for me. And although that might seem silly and frivolous to some, it's because they don't have a true appreciation of what that means to someone who could scarcely get dressed much less leave the house.

I was so pleased. Then I went to lunch with Rachael and my mom, and celebrated my birthday together. We did some window shopping, and they did a little bit of real shopping, while I began to feel very fatigued. I hoped it would recover enough to enjoy the rest of the afternoon, and I did. This is also a very big deal. We then went and got pedicures and Rachael and I got manicures, and we laughed and relaxed together. After are fairly lengthy afternoon together, they drove me home. We visited briefly and they took their leave. I then spent time with the family and helped Jim get the kids ready for bed. It was a little more difficult, because I'm very sore. Not only have I done two of the praise moves workouts in the last three days, but yesterday I went and had an hour and a half massage and I'm very very tender, and very sore in places from it. I know it was important, nonetheless I still hurt. After the massage I had gone to the hot tab, and that felt good. However I think I need to soak with Epson salts and maybe ice my back.

After eating dinner and getting the kids settled for bed, I told Abby and Jim that we needed to finish zone number one. I am working diligently in getting our fly lady system set up, so our home is neater and easier to maintain.
We now have our calendar, and to do lists set up on Cozi.com. This system is fantastic, and on my new iPad (yay!), it's easy to follow. On the to do list I can just tap the boxes and it adds checkmarks. I also have been writing down the tasks for the week on the dry erase board and we just erase it as we go along. It is fantastic, and helping us to get more systems in place. It's progress, and it's actually very good progress, I just am very much a go getter, and I want to "go get".

Okay, so let me tell you what zone 1 was this week. Our tasks centered around the entry way, the dining room, and our balcony. On the lis,t it says porch, which makes more sense because they're all connected, but we don't have a porch and have a balcony instead. This evening I got on my hands and knees and I dusted the baseboards in the entry and dining areas. We're very fortunate to not have a lot of dust here, but I hardly got anything up. I am pretty sure we have not done that since we moved here in February. But now we have.

We cleaned up and organized the coat closet, wiped down the floor in the entry area, vacuumed in the dining room Jim also did the living room, and I dusted the chairs in the dining room. Jim also wiped down the front door, the table, and we did the balcony. On the balcony we had items to pick up and put away, the table to wipe down and the chairs, the railing I also wiped down and the light fixture, and we had to pour hot water onto the balcony because it was sticky from Popsicles and bubbles, and sidewalk chalk. It looks really good now, nice and tidy, and my brightly colored outdoor lights were plugged in for most of the evening. My mother-in-law bought those for my birthday, and I think I need a couple more strings to really get it how I want it, but it looks very pretty right now. It is pretty inviting, and I'm hoping for a rug to really warm it up as well as peppermint plants to ward off the flying and stinging insects, and some tin lanterns or luminaries for me to put candles in and really make it look very comfortable. I wish it wasn't so late and I could go sit out there right now, but it is awfully cold. Oh right, I also want an outdoor heater. That will be fabulous. My body is more tired than my mind, so in just a bit I'm going to try to go to sleep. Hopefully I can. I also want to put some outdoor speakers on the balcony, I have been thinking about it and it would be wonderful.

So all this is fabulous progress and next week we start on the kitchen which is zone 2 in the flylady system.

In addition to the above, this week I also got my new starter kit in for Mary Kay. I had one before, and it's basically the essentials for holding skincare classes or parties, but mine was stolen with everything else that was stolen back in February. I also made a couple calls and got some orders in, and I placed an order and received it and assembled the orders as well. So that's actually another big piece of what I accomplished this week. Not only that, but I've also been doing my nighttime routine for my face more often. When I got so sick, I'd go days without washing my face as I was hardly able to do anything. I still feel really under the weather, weak and tired. That hasn't changed really, just my stamina as it has improved, and my endurance. They're still far from normal, and I just do the best I can on a day to day, and moment by moment basis. I don't typically know in advance what I'm going to be able to do, so I just push myself when I feel like it get away with pushing myself a little bit, and other times I don't push it all because I know I can't. At least I'm recognizing that better. My goal is to do my nighttime routine every day, my praise moves workout every day, and get the zone tasks and special zone missions accomplished every week. That is something we can do as a family though, and Abby helped me tonight on the balcony. I'm really glad she did.

Meanwhile, I want to build up business tools I need to have to work the business as I improve. I will do what I can, and do it slowly. I'm going to start out as if I were a new consultant, and do everything the right way from scratch. I'm essentially starting fresh, with the exception that I have almost 14 years of history in this company, some awesome team members, and some very loyal and faithful customers. I have decided to focus on building my business with the people I see on a regular basis in helping Audrey, and specifically with this apartment complex. I'm not going to focus on much of anything else, but that and my current customers. And I will do this with very tiny baby steps. I am currently working on setting up my systems, very simplified systems this time. I think that because I didn't really use my filesystem at the old house, the files inside probably are very safe from mold spores. I think I will use them and utilize the systems I already had set up, to see if I can get this together. I think it is good for a seasoned consultant to start fresh, in a sense, every so often, so they can still be very relevant to new consultants as they come in. One of my team members is wanting to get her business off the ground, and we could come at it like we're both starting brand-new brand-new, and essentially do that together. I want to keep things very simple, which will help make maintenance easier, but also much easier for new consultants to follow. :)

I have more to say, but I'm fried and so I'm going to put on some music and go to bed. Thanks for staying tuned... I still need lots of grace and help, but when I can manage something, I do. :)

Blessings!

Jen

Pity Party? NO THANKS!

I think it is pretty easy to feel sorry for yourself.  To get trapped in that place that says, "Why is this happening?  It shouldn't happen to me!"  Should it happen to anyone?  No, not really.  But it is what it is.  Once in a while I find myself losing my grip on my current situation.  Oh great... impending downward spiral.... I DON'T THINK SO!  It is far too easy to take the low road.  But that road, though easy to get to, is full of potholes, and robbers, and stickers, and cow patties.  Yeah, I said it... it's full of crap.  So the high road it is... I may slip a bit, but I always regroup.  It's a choice.

Yeah, it's a choice.  YOU get to choose your response.  What will you choose today?

The pity party I could opt for today, will take the energy away needed for the fun party coming up.  And that would just not be fun!

Party on Wayne.

Oh, that my life would be all it's purposes to be. :)

Seasons come and go
Circumstances ebb and flow
There is one Constant I know...
He created me. He gave me life and purpose. He created the passions that stir deep within, deliberately. I'm made to encompass Beauty. He is beauty. I am His, made in His image. The result of this is that I AM BEAUTY. His loved, cherished, precious child. What more can I do but honor Him with every breath I take, with every step I make. Without Him, life is empty and without hope. What an empty future I would have without Him! I would die without my love, without His peace that surpasses anything else.

Oh that my life would be ever focused on Him, in a way that draws people in and translates to them the love of the Father.

Oh Lord, spring from within me wells of joy, infectious, overwhelming and glorious!

Oh yes, let it be! I am free! I am happy! Lead me to others who need the same.

Hallelujah! Your love is amazing!

PART ONE: I can hardly believe I have not posted since April...

Wow, so the last few months have been very involved.  At times I was sick and tired, and unable to leave the house (while on certain meds), while others I was okay-though not great.  What a process!

I really don't want to hash out all the stuff that has gone on.  There has been way too much to post, and frankly, this kinda wipes me out.  :) So I am going to ramble on about what is going on now, and if anything that has happened comes up, then I will add it.

I don't want to talk about how I am doing right now, though if you ask and really want to know, I will be happy to tell you.  I just don't want to write about it.  I will say that my stamina has improved, and the body pain has gone down some to where it is tolerable and doesn't consume my every moment.  Not that it has gone away, but that I can better ignore it.

I want to stop going to the doctor and taking so many meds, very badly.  I am so ready to move on with my life.  Kinda like labor, I guess.  Yeah, I think so.  I think then I am going to push really hard right now.  It's my birthday month, and I intend to grab a hold of what God has for me, with all my getting.  :)

So I think I will talk about my intentions.  Yep.  That is what I am going to do.

I fully intend to walk out the truth of who God is and His promises to me.  His promises to me include:

He will bless the work of my hands.
He intends for me to walk in health and wholeness, in life and abundance.
He loves me thoroughly, truly and beautifully.
He thinks highly of me.
I am made in His image (and guess what, He ain't sick!)
He has a plan and a purpose for my life.
When I wait on Him, He renews my strength.
His heart toward me is good.
He will restore the years the locust has stolen.
I know He has spoken to me that His plan for me is on a large scale.  I fully believe this and will have a large scale benefits and blessings to those I come in contact with.  I think that is great redemption for what the enemy has tried to steal.  SUCKER!!  WRONG GIRL!!!!  Payback shall be FIERCE. YAY!
Once I overcome this entirely, I WILL NEVER CARRY ILLNESS LIKE THIS AGAIN, EVER!
He told me something special... "The longer you stand and contend in this, the larger your platform."  YAHOO!  I have been fighting for so long.  I have been learning boundaries too.  I believe that when all is said and done, I will have proper boundaries and guidelines with my time and energy levels.  Shoot, speaking of, I cannot finish this now... so it will become part 1.  I need to go to bed.  So I am off.  Thanks for reading.  :)

...I hold onto you with all my strength, Lord

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore. (Psalm 121:1-8 ESV)

Oh Lord, I'm so weary. So tired, so longing to be well and to feel better. So much desiring to be able to the things with my family we like to do and they deserve to have me do with them. I'm up to take some medicine, and can't go back to bed yet. My tummy feel off and I hurt, but hesitate to take more pain meds as I was to be wise with my liver, and also I fool myself into thinking I'm feeling better than I do, but then they begin to wear off and I find that some basic kitchen clean up and pantry organizing is far more than I can physically do, right now, without taxing my body excessively.

I'm working diligently for my health, knowing full well I will be healed, and that until that fully manifests, I must be a good steward of my body. I'm very focused on being grateful and recognizing the good things, and yet it's so hard. Everyone is asleep and I was so exhausted that I rested and slept through pretty much everyone's bed time and didn't get to spend it with them. Although it takes rather a lot out of me, I still want to have that time. But by the time Jim is home, I'm toast. Old, dried out, toast.

I need a reprieve. I must find some relief. Please help me. I cannot even clean a bathroom, and I'm the last person here who did.

Thank you for being there and carrying me through. I cannot fathom how anyone could go through this without you.

Please bless my sleep mightily tonight. I love you.

Your little things matter to Him... and they aren't little to Him at all

It was 1AM. I was tired. I hurt. Not so unusual. I was mourning the loss of the familiar things (the good ones, of course) and feeling off and displaced. I, again, began to miss this music selection my friend Josette had given me 3 years ago, NYE. It was burned onto a CD, without anything much to identify it. I learned it was a soaking cd by the Riveras, and I had listened to it briefly... I wasn't super excited about it, but I didn't listen to much of it at the time and I was tired and pregnant. I listened to it again, and really felt God's presence. It brought a measure of peace and relaxation that I didn't easily obtain on my own. I added the music to my iTunes account, and put it on my iPhone. I began to use the selection often, and times I needed to relax and rest, and if I had difficulty sleeping. I found it was incredibly helpful for my sleep. It also helps me maintain an atmosphere of peace and strength when I was having a difficult labor and delivery at the hospital with my third daughter. It also helped with the recovery after ended up with a C-section. I was separated from my beautiful little girl, I didn't get to see her, miss music helped carry me through. I felt it was easier to connect with God during these times with this music. This music testing many tears, for many reasons. This is been a source of strength to me. When my old iPhone pooped out I lost the selection. Something went wrong with my iTunes and I could never recover it. It was not much later that we moved again and I have no idea where the CD was anyway. So here I am, dealing with a diagnosis of a chronic illness that I've had for a very long time, and having to move suddenly. Hardly anything was familiar. My mattress was unfamiliar, most my furniture was unfamiliar, the space is unfamiliar, some of our dishes and utensils were also. I hardly have any of my old clothing, and hardly anything to replace it anyway. We're in a new town, the kids are in a new school, and I haven't even felt well enough to go to church. It feels very strange, and last night I was in tears just feeling so out of place in an unfamiliar environment. I so long for the familiar. And again, I began to try to find this music selection. It could be seen as a rather silly time to be looking for this music, but Jim was starting to snore again, and I was feeling so out of place and longing for this music as it would transfer me into the presence of God in every deep restful way. I had looked at iTunes, and listened to excerpts from each of their albums. I couldn't find it. I contacted the girlfriend who had given me the original CD, and couldn't reach her. Her number was lost on my old phone, so I was trying to contact her through Facebook. I had suddenly what I would call a God flash. It occurred to me that I might try YouTube, and may be able to find something that was some live conference where they had played. I tried a couple and they were good, but they were not the right ones. I then opened another one, and tears filled my eyes as my body flooded with this instant peace and gratitude that God had led me to the right place. This was it! But now, how do I get all the selections together in one place and recorded and saved to my phone? They had multiple parts listed, part 2, 2, and so on. I then saw that the website was listed in the lower left corner of the video. I went to their website and begin to look through their music available for download. To my amazement, they had a section of free items. I didn't see what I was looking for in the other sections you would pay for, so I decided to check the free options to see if it was there. Lo and behold, there it was. I downloaded the zip drive of MP3 music. I then had to, in my very sleepy befuddled state, figure out how to transfer that into iTunes. But I quickly found of the solution and transferred it into the iTunes account. I then, after a few attempts, was able to sync this selection as a new playlist onto my iPhone. I just cried, tears of joy and gratitude. It was again made clear that He cares about every little detail of our lives. And truly, it isn't little to Him. It isn't really little to me either... but someone else could see if that way. I think I slept better than I have in a very long time. I listened to it all night, and have been listening for a straight ten hours. I feel so much more peace! He is so beautiful! Thank you to Kimberely and Alberto Rivera, and their soaking team, for sharing this and at no cost. Wow... thank you Josette Grewatts, for blessing me with this. Thank you Holy Spirit for the YouTube download... I had not even considered that! Thank you Jesus for loving me and bringing me freedom. And Almighty God, you are my shalom, my provider... You consider everything I need and ensure I lack for no good thing. Thank you for showing me that I, Your princess, matter... down to the seemingly smallest things. I have so much love and gratitude inside, and hope it spills out everywhere I go.

Wow... now for meds and a nap before I get lunch. GOD IS SO GOOD, His mercy endures forever. Holy is HE!

I have my ACT class today, hurray!

I have been taking a class via phone to get rid of Lyme disease, amongst other things.  It is helping and I am excited.  They have classes for other things also, even emotional trauma.  Seriously this is awesome.

www.advancedcelltraining.com

Thank you Lord for bringing this to my attention via my friend Robin!  I am glad she was looking around for me, wanting to see me well. 

I have the best family and friends!

And I get to look forward to seeing Mom and Rachael this weekend.  This is wonderful!

Yay, yay, yay!

Jen

Blesssings are chasing me down and overtaking me... yeah, you got me... :)

Well, the last several weeks have been intense, and challenging at best.  TRANSITION IS NOT EASY.  BUT it IS WORTHWHILE! 

In the midst of moving, selling things (many that should not have been sold, many that had to be that we would rather not have), and having many thousands of dollars of stuff stolen, I find it almost unbelievable.  And it's happened to ME and MINE!  I cannot imagine how ridiculous this could sound to someone else.

Anyway, I just can't live in that space... it happened, it sucked, it still often does and I do occasionally have a cry.  But not as many, phew!  That part is slowing down.  Now the reality of our new situation begins to unfold.  Where are the lids to my pyrex I got a bazillion years ago at our wedding?  Well, that's a good question.  Do we still have them?  I don't know, but the good news is that we were so inundated with pyrex, I can use some of it as a lid until we either find them, or get replacements.  And our old pots and pans are gone, but we were blessed with some beautiful factory seconds, brand new and hardly noticeable anything was not pristine.  Kind of funny, that I am so excited to have slightly (VERY slightly) damaged pots and pans (some don't look damaged at all...?) that are brand new, so I am less tense about the first scratch or nick.  When finances get a little less crazy (we were informed today we really need about $1,100 in repairs to our car, and medical stuff is ridiculous) I can purchase replacement lids for the pans, I think.  They came lidless.  Still, I HAVE AWESOME, EASY TO CLEAN POTS AND PANS!  WOO-HOO!  I was wanting new ones.  These are not what we will eventually have, but I am perfectly happy to have them until the day we get the professional set we would like.

I digress... I was going to talk about one of the items, nay TWO of the items I let go of in the move.  One on purpose, the other, not so much, but I wasn't thinking about that one anyway.  One item was a 9 cubby storage system.  I had just purchased it in November, after thinking about it for about a year.  I knew to purchase it, and get the fabric cubby drawers, it would run me about $120 at the min.  I finally just felt I had to bite the bullet and get it.  My kids were needing a sense of order to their toys, and with the layout of the large home we were living in, the toys kept making their way into the family room and ALL OVER.  I reasoned that if I were to purchase a cubby that was black, with tan drawers, it would actually look lovely in the room, and create order.  I LOVE ORDER.  I LOOOOOOOOOVE ORDER.  *happy sigh at thoughts of containers, shelves, labels, and all other forms of order... even filing systems... ahhhhh... *  So I went to our local Kmart, since Petaluma didn't have Target, or even WalMart, and got the cubby system and all the drawers they had in the color I wanted for that room.  Oh, I was so excited.  It was like Christmas, or something.  I then went online and ordered the other drawers to ship to store, and they were there THE NEXT MORNING!  Ah, heavenly!  I mean, other than I can hardly STAND entering that store and their layaway and ship to store section is RIGHT NEXT to the smelliest restrooms ever to "grace" a chain store.  I am not exaggerating... I was stomach turning, but well worth it... because I could leave once I found an employee willing to work.  haha  I assigned a toy type to each drawer.  The girls were having fun cleaning up after themselves and I was in a state of bliss.  Hmmm... I really like word.  I think I shall put it on my wall. 

BLISS: noun: supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment: wedded bliss.  

How can we not maintain some semblance of bliss when we have such open access to our God, our King, our Savior?  REALLY!?!  I know life can get crazy... BELIEVE ME, I KNOW!  But He is our all in all... I could go on, but I will save this for another post.

And I did want to pause and say this... Have I mentioned lately what a wonderful man I married?  I cannot fathom this life, these things we have faced, nor the tremendous fun we can have, with anyone else.  And guess what?  Dinner just came in, served by the kindest, most loving, silly, goofy guy with the best laugh I have ever heard, big hearted, adoring man ever!  (I am related to some awesome men, but it would be weird to marry them, and it ain't Arkansas... haha)  I just wanted to brag on Jim for a sec.  HE ROCKS!  HE DA BOMB!  I LUBS HIM!!!  Okay, back to what I still haven't told you... ;)

So, I had to let go of my GORGEOUS, PRACTICAL, HANDY, ORDER-IFIC, MAKES ME SMILE cubby storage system.  Sniff... boo-hoo.  I found myself thinking about this wonderful tool to order, more and more often as we neared 5 weeks in this new resting place.  Ya know, if you are missing items within the first month, they are probably things you should have.  :)  I started to really miss having this item and wishing for another.  Looking around hoping for a deal, and knowing that the expenses we are contending with are just so high, we cannot truly justify the expense.  I NEED to be well.  I also need order.  But I NEED HEALTH MORE.  So I sat on my couch and said, "Lord, I need to replace that which I had to let go of.  I just cannot spend the money on it.  Would you please send me a new one?"  This was just earlier this week.  So a day, or maybe two goes by.  I have other things on my mind... and I get a text from my sis Rachael, my brother David's wife.  She wants to know if I want this brand new 9 cubby white storage deal with 4 green fabric drawers... UH, YEAH!  She had no idea, that I am aware, how I had prayed that as I don't believe I told anyone.  This is still in the box, brand new, and she easily could have either returned it or sold it, but she offered it to me.  She was using one and found two would likely be too much space used.  This did multiple things for me.  It reminded me that God loves me so much, and that what is important to me matters.  I matter.  I matter... I know I said it already.  I did that on purpose.  :)  It told me I need to remember to take my needs to Him.  It reminded me that Rachael loves me and my family, and that she supports us.  It made me feel remembered and cared for.  It took one thing off the table that I was trying to figure out. Lord, do we get one that matched the living room and have some toy storage in here, or do we put it in their room?  Well, although that set up would be able to go either way, it will go far better with what I want to do with their room over time.  So now I don't have to figure that out, and that is fabulous.  And it also gives me this sense of excitement, knowing that in the next little while, I will be able to start getting their room together a little more.  Granted, we still need the mattresses for them, but that will come.  The car told us this week that we had to wait, or we would be short a vehicle.  DARNIT!  But thankfully we had waited a bit, so though they are still using air mattresses, at least I can drive them to school!  I am so excited, I call to tell my mother.  Mom tells me she is giving the kids her table and chair that goes unused all the time in the playroom.  Now, there is only ONE chair, but I think it might be pottery barn, and if so we can likely get more.  Even if not, we can get another chair, or three, that are all different and have them painted different colors, and it will be so cute.  I don't believe my mom knew that I had been really wishing I had a table and chairs for them to use in their room either.  So YAHOO!  Double blessing and how exciting!

So here I am blogging about this blessing, having posted on my page a little prayer... 




Lord, I would like to somehow win theater tix for me and my eldest. Thank you! I shall go blog my thoughts now. www.lymemeariver.blogspot.com

I also comment on a friend's page who saw the movie my daughter wants to see, and after hearing that she liked it, decided I did want to see it as I was suspecting.  I commented I wanted to see it with my daughter, but after the medical expense and car expense from today, we would have to wait, so we would.  :)  I honestly didn't think about it after that, I posted the prayer and came to share the blessing.  As I am doing my think, a chat chime indicates there is a message.  This friend (and she is just a fabulous person anyway, and I have always thought highly of her... wonder if she knows that...) said she would love to send us to the movies, and to let her know if I found a way we could do that online.... we don't leave anywhere near each other... I am so excited!  Once it is firmed up, I will tell my girl.  She will be so excited!   How wonderful!

I am going to sigh off... my next post will just be my prayer list/provision for this new place.  I will have it all in one place, and that way if anyone asks, I can just direct them here.  Also, I will remember to keep track of priorities.

Blessed... too blessed to be stressed... I will try to remember this.  :)

Jen

Ah, regrouping is a blessed thing...

I forgot last week I posted how I was unraveling.  I had no idea the next day would be worse.  I shared with a few prayer warrior friends, although those without text, didn't get the "prayer memo".  My good friend Robin told me "He is there to catch you.  You can let go."  Then she felt compelled to share Psalm 46 with me, I believe the Lord spoke to her that it was specifically for me right now... so I will share it here.

God Is Our Fortress

To the choirmaster. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A Song.

46 God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
⁵  God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
    God will help her when morning dawns.
⁶  The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
    he utters his voice, the earth melts.
⁷  The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

⁸  Come, behold the works of the Lord,
    how he has brought desolations on the earth.
⁹  He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
     he burns the chariots with fire.
¹⁰  “Be still, and know that I am God.
     I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”
¹¹  The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

I had reached the end of myself and was told that was the best place for Him to step in.  This helped encourage me.  I was sobbing so hard that I found myself in danger of hyperventilating, and had to rapidly lay down and force long, slow breaths in my nose and through my pursed mouth.  It felt like a good idea, and it helped.  Then I just said, "Lord, I don't know what to do, so I let go and give it to you... although I don't know how, I am willing."  I held my arms out while on my bed, flat on my back, and felt that I needed to briefly go off my treatment plan.  My body was overwhelmed with the detox, as were my emotions.  I instantly felt like I had a plan and that it would be okay.  I did not take my supplements/meds that evening at all.  Nor did I take them through the weekend, though I did take a few things that support detox, after a couple days.  I resumed the whole treatment Monday, and spoke with my doctor who seemed pleased, and just gave some basic instruction for times I may need to stop for a day or two.  Emotionally I have felt much better since.  Physically, well that is another story.  Detox takes it's toll on people, for sure.

This last month we went from 2400 sf, 4/3 and 3 car garage, pretty much to capacity (especially the garage, shudder) to 1400 sf, 3/2 and a 1 car garage, with room to spare.  Even with little imagination, I think most people would recognize how substantial that is.  I could literally fit ALL my clothing in one drawer (including my big robe) and likely with my shoes.  I have very little to wear.  When you have minimal help (although the help we had was such a gift!), and the one handling it is the one with the least aptitude to do so, you end up taking a big hit.  Financially, emotionally, and physically, the toll has been pretty hard core.  I wanted to stay in the former house longer, but the mold issues were wreaking havoc on my system, and I could scarcely walk.  It was getting pretty bad.  Everyone was having respiratory issues, not sleeping well, coughing, and so on.  We had to leave, and fast.  Now we are praying the landlords take our request (which we feel is more than reasonable, and have had a meeting with Fair Housing who agrees) for the last month's pre-paid rent returned, plus our full deposit.  I don't want to litigate, and I am certain they will take it as a personal affront, so I hope they concede this point.

I am not sure which toys we still own, but we have no books (except the two purchased yesterday), and many of the things we used daily are either sold, tossed, stolen, or in a box in the garage, waiting for proper cleaning so we can use them again.

I am in the midst of the theft claim, but am so tired.  I just want to nap.  I have kids to pick up in 40 minutes, and if it isn't raining, we will go to the hot tub.  The amenities are pretty nice here.  

Regardless of how deeply painful and even traumatizing this experience has been, I am grateful that never again will we be so stuck and encumbered with stuff.  I realize that if I were healthy already, and forced to move quickly, Jim and I could easily pack up this whole place, plus garage... and load into a moving truck in one day.  That is so freeing!  Simplified... now trying to ensure our whole life is simplified.

I better get this toddler clothed... little nudie.

Today's prayer... exponential increase in healing and wholeness, financial things in place after moving and loss, ease of claims process with renter's insurance, favor with landlords, car repaired, my children to make new friends who LOVE JESUS, and for great blessing for those who are/have chosen to bless my family in this time of challenge and distress.  The crisis is over, now to regroup fully and get settled.  We are so very pleased to have Jim home with us again, versus always at the old place taking care of everything.  Though there was some assistance (thank God, seriously!), he still managed most all of it on his own.  His choices were not always perfect (duh, whose are?) but I am really proud of him.  This is not an area of his strength... just like I had to let go and let him, and this is not MY area of strength.  Phew, all done on that end.  WE MISSED YOU HONEY!

Blessings to you, one and all.

Jen and fam

I need a "do-over" today.

I am at a breaking point. Something has got to give, and I mean now. Not kidding, not exaggerating, because I can't take it anymore. The kids are acting out, which is not surprising with all that they've had to contend with lately.

I am even too upset to post anymore. But I am done. It has to shift, right now. RIGHT NOW! Do you hear me? I'm ALREADY in a difficult place if life was normal, and I want to heal. I DEMAND A SHIFT!

I seriously have found the end of my rope. It's frayed and appears to be unraveling.

Lord, I need help, and need sleep badly. Please help me. Guard my heart and family, and show me the reality of YOUR promises.

I just realized...

if I update grammatical errors (from using the feature where I can talk my blog out), it changes the post date. Humph. I don't care for that at all.

Anyway...

Sometimes...

...I just feel sad and cry. This is one of those times. I don't know why, but I've learned that if that's how I'm feeling I need to respond by allowing myself to just cry it out. It's typically inconvenient, and not when I really have time I want to spend crying curled up in a ball on my bed. I don't know if it's because I have difficulty completing a task like cleaning my kitchen with help, because I'm seriously overtired with not nearly enough sleep, or possibly grieving the items that I used in love and no longer own. There's also a very neat cleansing and fresh start here, but this process is very difficult. The good things about it don't escape me. That doesn't make it easier though. Or maybe it does, and it would be even that much more difficult otherwise. I don't know, but I do know that this is very hard. I also know that on the other side, things will be very, very, very good. Day by day I take it, just doing my very best to keep my focus and perspective, and help my family through this difficult time. Today I have the blessing and benefit of having my mom over. I wish I'd had more rest so we could enjoy our time together better. I also wish that Jim didn't have to be running a garage sale, so that maybe he could spend some time with the kids and I could have some time with my mom by myself. It seems that the yard sale is a bit fruitless, and he has sold very little. I have large furniture items that I really hate to just donate, because I can really use the money, and because I love them. They is your items I was really excited to get and really hoped to have for a long time. I made the purchases accordingly, items that would last as they are well made. They're very pretty and they make me happy to look at them. But it's time for change, and I have to let it go. I suppose we could donate them, but there are so many things we actually need here. Items such as a broom, dustpan, toilet plunger, and sufficient seating in the living room, dining room furniture, and much more. I really, really want curtains, as the ones I got for my birthday last year were stolen along with the hardware to hang with them. Some people. I want to make this look like a home and not a bachelor pad. You know the kind of bachelor I'm talking about. Their beds are up on milk crates, they don't have anything hanging over the windows except maybe a blanket or a sheet, and there's nothing hanging on the walls with the exception of some random poster, maybe. I want my home to feel like a home for me and my kids and my husband. I really could use something like a coffee table, some shelving, and it would be cool to get something for the balcony so we could utilize it better. There are all kinds of things that we really need, but I don't want to be excessive. We didn't just go through all of this to end up in the same boat again. But there are things that we need and would make life much more accommodating and simple for us. Right now were scrambling to get things in some sort of orderly fashion, without the necessary tools to do so. It is hard to make meals and things like that without the proper kitchen items. I really need some flour, some other staple items, I'd really like kitchen map, and a welcome mat, and just basic stuff like that. And I have no idea where my hangers are. If I even have any anymore… and we all could use some books, as we were unable to bring any with us. Mold spores hide in paper, so keeping them would not be a good option for us. But we are big book lovers, and I would love to have some books to read in those moments where I want to be up and cleaning and "nesting" in the new place, but I'm too tired and I need to stop and behave myself by taking care of my energy levels. I cannot truly convey how frustrating it can be when you have a task you are working on, that should not be a big deal for most people, and I have to stop because my energy levels have depleted and I'm in the danger zone of becoming ill because I've overdone it that fast. I so badly want to clean my mirrors, my floors, and finish my kitchen. I have paper I want to put down on the shelves before put things on it however I needed to put things away so I need to remove the items and put the paper on the shelves. I want it to be nice, I want it to be clean, and I want it to be mine. I want to kind of own this place while we're here, and embrace it as home as long as the Lord has us here.
However, I find it hard to feel settled when it is so bare and without any character. I wonder where my things are, and what I actually have left. I hesitate trying to figure out how to buy more items, when I may have them here somewhere. I don't know, soon we should have this kind of together. I sure hope so.

Anyway, I better get going. My mom is here after all, and we have some things to do. For today I'm praying for strength so that we can accomplish things that we have set out to do, and have some fun at the same time.

Since I have the opportunity to regroup a little bit, I hope that this really helps. I finally get to eat now after my supplement time frames have passed, and I have been awake since before seven unfortunately, so I'm pretty hungry as it's almost 11 AM. So I guess I'll talk to mom about what we should do for food, get dressed, and go from there. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and enjoy this beautiful sunshine. Unless you don't have sunshine where you are, and I hope you just enjoy yourself regardless. We have sunshine, and I hear birds singing. I'm so grateful that this apartment complex has trees and birds, and backs up to the creek. My big goal is to get to the place where I can take a walk along the creek on the path, and actually be able to do it without being worried about my energy levels being insufficient. My strength is very limited right now, so I do hesitate doing that at this time. However I really, really, really want to see what it looks like back there. I love taking walks, and I know I will enjoy that when I'm able to do so. Meanwhile I will do the very best I can with what I have to work with, and I hope that you will do the same. Don't take today for granted, don't take your health and your strength for granted, please do your best to see clearly what you have before you, the things that are so good, so positive, and such blessings in your life. Please enjoy and do the things that I can't do, but you might hesitate to do for silly reasons maybe, go do them and have fun. Accomplish the things you want to accomplish because you can, be true to who you are and embrace all the good things about you in the future that God has for you. Even in my condition right now, this is what I try to do. I really do my best, and so my best it is sufficient, it is good enough. And so is yours. Don't let any circumstances take that away from you, if you were doing your best, you are doing enough. But don't settle for mediocrity, please always do your best. And then you have no regrets. I don't have regrets as I've been doing my best, I wish I could do more, but I'm also doing my best in that regard as well. This is all anyone can ever ask of an individual. So make it your best day, and this doesn't mean not giving yourself a chance to take break, relax and just enjoy being you and being with your loved ones. That's part of being your best and it's important. Thank you for reading my blog, I appreciate your support your prayers and your love. I would also love it if you would leave a comment, as then I know this following along and supporting me this way. You can also subscribe to my blog, and junket updates. You just come through very tough time so I imagine we'll have a lot of good things to say. Oh and by the way, this treatment I'm on seems to be working pretty well. I am increasing in my endurance though most people wouldn't recognize that because it's so vastly different than normal for other people. But I can see the changes and that's really good.

Okay I better eat, I am hungry!

Bless you all... Jen <3

Outdated update...

So, I have not been blogging, as I have been so overwhelmed and exhausted... and frankly, was in such a difficult place that blogging for public reading might not have been a good idea. I will give a brief update for those who are not thoroughly in the loop, so they are aware of what is currently taking place, or has recently. But I find I can't do it now, it's too much. So stay tuned. It'll be in a post or two, possibly.

Oh, and it's posting late... it was meant for yesterday. :)

Looks like it's truly a fresh start...

Today I talked to Jim as he was working at the old house getting stuff picked up. I am hoping to get my clothes back, and asking him where they are. I have been wearing the same thing and washing it for a week, something I recently purchased at Target. It turns out he was donating almost all of the bags of clothing in the home to Goodwill. I had to get off the phone, I was so upset. I didn't know what to do. He is working so hard trying to take care of all the belongings at the old house, washing them to bring here or donating or selling or trashing.  It's a lot of work, and it's not something that I am physically equipped to handle. This is very difficult for me, as I prefer to manage these types of situations, and brutal for him as he doesn't. Now I almost have nothing to wear and my favorite items are probably gone. I have to buy all new things for myself and for the kids, bedding and everything.  (And with what?  The medical costs are astronomical and funds are limited.) Trying to figure out what to do is upsetting, because I don't know where to begin and I don't have the energy or the strength to figure out how to replace these belongings. In addition I have my next doctors appointment next week, and don't know what all the test results will prove. Therefore, I don't know what expense will be involved in my treatment plan. I hesitate replacing a wardrobe, because I don't know how that it is affordable until after my appointment. I suspect I will be spending $6-700, but I don't know.  I feel sort of lost, and without direction. I just don't know how to plan anything, and we're all exhausted. I was able to call somebody to process everything verbally, as I tend to do best that way. Internalizing and trying to process internally doesn't seem to work for me, it just makes me more upset. But I found a really great confidant and person to bounce things off of in Pastor Manda, of Elim Lutheran Church in Petaluma. This isn't the church we attend, but it is a  really nice community of people. And Pastor Manda is a very good person to talk to. Although overwhelmed, and not happy with what we have to contend with right now, I just feel a whole lot better after speaking with her.

I was thinking I would write more, but I really need to take advantage of the fact that we have somebody here for the kids for a few more minutes. I should not have tried to pay bills, but rather taken a nap as soon as I could have. I think I'll just rest my eyes for a bit and hope that I get a little boost out of that before I tackle the bills.

Thank you for reading, for your support and prayers. Hopefully we find some good solutions for our lack of wardrobe here, and the few odds and ends we do have need things that will go with them. I will grieve the loss of all the things that held memories, and I'm sure in the future will be better off for it. It just feels really awful right now.

Blessings to you all, Jen

I can't think of a title...

Well, I got my hair done today. I was holding out to save money for medical expenses, but when I saw a couple of split ends… that was it. I don't want to trash this mane of hair I have, I have too much to let it go down hill like that.

Now I am home, I am extraordinarily tired, and we have a lot to do to get ready for the latest transition. I just feel like crying, and I think it's based on pure fatigue. I don't know any other reasons why. But I do know that I need to talk with my landlords today, if anybody reads this, please be praying for that. I don't have a whole lot else I want to say right now. I'm just too tired to think about it.

Well, that's not true. I do have something I want to say. I want to say how grateful I am for all the people who are stepping up to the plate to help out. People who know that we're in a tough spot, and need a little bit of assistance, and are offering to step up and help out. I don't even ask them, they're just offering. And so lovingly and generously too. What a blessing, and I thank them with all my heart. It also gives me an opportunity to interact with people on a different level then I would normally at church, or other places. So I get to see a little bit more about the beautiful people that they are. It is really an amazing gift.

There's so many nuggets of beauty in my life, amidst the chaos, sometimes the fear and the pain that comes, and I just want to recognize those and share with other people how wonderful it is. I don't want to take for granted those things, these things that are so vitally needed, and so overwhelmingly appreciated. And once I'm well, I want to always remember how God blessed me with these people. These people who stepped out of their comfort zones sometimes, out of their personal circumstances, and into mine. And then they did everything they could to love me through the challenges that I'm facing, and that my family is facing with me. That just shows me more evidence of his glory and his goodness.

That's all for now, because I'm just too tired to say anything else. I just wanted to acknowledge that and say thank you to those people who are willing to give beyond, above and beyond the normal. You all rock my socks off, and are wonderful. You have no idea what it means to me.

Have a wonderful evening, and I'll post again soon... Jen

As humor has it…

The title suggests how I am going to be carrying out the next few blog posts, at least that's what I'm hoping for. So stay tuned, is I intend to make your pee your pants laughing. Or something close to that… So maybe you should use the restroom first, ha ha ha!

I'll be going for the funny… Jen

Today is a good day!

Do you know who my heroes are? They are the people that persevere no matter what. They may get down at times, but they don't let life's circumstances take away their joy, take away their peace, and they just don't quit. I believe it was Winston Churchill who said never ever ever quit. I love that quote, and I take it to heart and take it very personally. It's important to never give up. Now, I haven't probably got that verbatim, but you get the point. I even had to buy the Franklin Covey bookmark, a metal bookmark that said the quote.

Often times people say it takes skill, family background, money, brains, or any number of things that will determine your success in life. But that's really not true. Your attitude determines your altitude. Sure, it's a cliche in some circles, but, it's true.

People need to change their perspective on the word brainwashing. Brainwashing is what people really actually need on a consistent basis. Brainwashing just consists of taking things that you want to have in your mind, and in your perspective, and making it real to yourself by consistently feeding yourself the truth. The truth of who you really are, the truth of what you want to see happen in your life, and then consistently working and heading in that direction. Making sure you are focusing on those things that you want to achieve, want to have, want to offer other people, what ultimately lead to the reality of these things coming to pass.

Don't know how much sense this is making to anyone who might be reading, but my thoughts are a little jumbled up and they're coming out as they're coming out, and I'm letting them. I believe this is going to free up my creative process, and allow me to really get down to the heart of the things I want to share with people. So this is just part of a process, call it a cleansing, detox, what have you. It probably all works. Sometimes it's a little stinky, sometimes it's a little painful, sometimes people may want to avoid it… But that's fine. Better out than in.

Today I made a choice. I made a choice to trust and operate out of the basis of trust, rather than to operate out of the basis of fear. This proved highly successful. But before I went in, and operated out of this place of trust, I asked the Lord to guide me and to give me a favor… Double favor, and to create a win-win situation for everyone involved. I realize the importance of making sure it was a win-win situation for each participant in this situation. And out of that place, I was able to have a conversation with the other party, and we both felt so great about the outcome, I believe. He felt honored, I felt listened to, and I think we both felt cared about. Regardless of how this person could have responded to me, I chose to take the high road. The method was contrary to normal advice, to go about it quite this way... however, I thought it was the best route and felt that it would most honor and respect the other party. As a result, what I was most hoping for will take place. There are some white yes here, but I believe they will work themselves out. And afterward, the scripture in Exodus chapter 14 verse 14, came to mind. The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still. Another version says not speak. This situation is a landlord/tenant situation. It could have gone any number of ways, however we will get out of the lease early, and into a place that's better for us. We won't have to pay anymore money at this point, and we should hopefully have our deposit intact upon vacating the premises. They said they were renewing the lease as they had some work to do on the home, and I completely agree with them. So we can come away from the situation both feeling that the other person is respecting and looking out for the other person's Best interest, while still looking out for what's best for our own families. It is truly a win-win situation. And I just asked the Lord to honor the situation in our hearts, and bring it together to a beautiful summation of our time here. It was not until I realized how I needed to ask for it to be a win-win situation, that I felt peace about it. I was concerned that the other party would be looking more at their own situation versus ours. And as I was concerned with that, I didn't have the ability to truly see how it could be a win-win situation from their perspective. It was something convoluted in my head, but as soon as I asked the Lord to bring it together in a win-win situation that made everybody feel good, I just felt this piece. I felt better, although I was still a little bit nervous. I didn't want to make the phone call, but I needed to make it to see what could be done to best bring the situation into a place that benefited everybody. However, when I brought it up to the landlord, he was absolutely wonderful about it and encouraging. At this point I just felt to pause, and I stopped to thank him for having us in his house. For having us stay here, and how much we've enjoyed living here. And we really have, it's a beautiful property beautiful location, and I know this is the right place first to start out here in this area
He seemed surprised and relieved. The tension that was slightly there, completely dissipated. I just thank him so much for being accommodating when we had situations that needed accommodation, for looking out for us and making sure that things were done properly here. There were times that things aren't quite right, but I feel like his intentions were always good even though his ways and methods could have been a little different. He thanked me and said how they had tried to make it nice for us while we were here, and I said I knew that they had and how much we appreciated it. I told him we had always attempted to make sure he knows any issues, so that they could get chesting keep the house and Smays running order. He thinks me. I told him I wanted to make sure that we were both happy with the outcome of our situation, and that it really matter to me that they were pleased. He was so nice, and he said that his main concern was that we were safe, and that our health was okay. He said the house was also important, but he was more concerned for our safety and well-being. I agreed, but said I very much wanted to make sure that they were happy with the outcome and that everything came together smoothly for them. I wanted to help ensure they were able to get the repair completed, and get somebody in the home that would pay them at reasonable amount and be able to get in quickly so that they wouldn't lose any money. I felt that it was a surprisingly reciprocal "transaction", and that both of us did want to see the best for the other, while also looking out for our families.
It is truly a beautiful thing when people put other people first. It is more beautiful, when that's been reciprocated process. I'm really stoked! It is such a rarity to find somebody who is willing to do that as I am. So often I find myself doing that when other people hold back in fear that I wouldn't be that kind of person. We do too many things out of fear, and sometimes we just need to trust. I'm not saying to be foolish, but there just is a time just take a risk and trust that the process will work and that God has us covered. Today at work, and today was a beautiful day. Now I hurt a lot, and I'm really tired. None of that is new, although my pain levels have increased. I imagine there may be rain coming, as the forecast does indicate this, as does my body. Another bit of good news is that the place we are looking at renting, is an apartment complex that has all sorts of extra amenities. The hot tub is not that far from our door, and this will really help with my pain management. The hot water soaking will be fabulous and helpful. I hope they approve us, and that we get to start moving our things shortly.

I better post this and get to bed. I've had multiple detox symptoms lately, and they feel like an icky flu. I don't much care for the feeling, although this is an indication that the treatments are working and that we will have made much progress, hopefully in short order. It is not uncommon for symptoms two worse than before getting better, but I'm hoping that if this is the case for me, that will happen very quickly. I really can't imagine trying to manage what little I am managing while being worse off. I don't think I could actually do it. I would need some sort of help, and I don't know where that would come from. Part of a worship song comes to mind as I reread what I just wrote, and it says my help comes from You, Maker of heaven, Creator of the earth. If there's any better source of help, I can't imagine what it would be. He has got me covered, and though I don't know how, and sometimes I know there's something required of me, I knew that he does have me covered. I have to admit, I often wish I knew what was going on. But sometimes trust has to be revealed by your letting go and allowing the process to come about that He has planned for you. It wouldn't be trust or faith without the letting go. And you wouldn't know for sure, if it was God or your own works, unless you truly have no idea what the Frick is going on. That is sort of where I am, but I have a sense of some great things on the horizon. Sometime within the next year some things are going to change, and I don't know what they are. But I know they're big, and I know they're good. And I know that God is good and He loves me, and He loves my family. And He wouldn't allow us to be in a situation that He could not receive full glory for, even if it's a situation that should not have happened, He can still make it beautiful and receive glory for it. And if this will bless someone else, then yay!

Okay, I am really signing off now. I am tired, so tired. But I think finally the Vicodin is starting to kick in a little bit, and although it only takes the very slightest edge off, it is something. I'm grateful to have something to help with pain management when it's the most unbearable. I do know there're things that would be better for my body for pain management, but I didn't have this prescribed right now. And I actually never have. If the pain increases any further, I just will have to bite the bullet and get some more help. But for now, my high tolerance is helping, to an extent. I probably should get into pain management, I just hate taking stuff. I just want my body to be well anyway. I was made in God's image, and he ain't sick.

If you read all this, kudos! And if so, make a comment like hi or that sucks or I'm glad today was a better day… Or whatever. Even the smiley face makes me feel good that someone would take the time to read all this craziness.

You have a fabulous day, and I will choose to have a fabulous day too.

Much love to you all, Jen

Ebbs and flows...

Today started out feeling a little decent, and I did a couple things. But not a whole lot. Same for yesterday, I was able to do a little bit of vacuuming and sweeping although I kept dropping the vacuum and broom. Just like my grip gives out and everything tumbles to the floor. A bit of a pain, but I'm glad I can do a little bit of stuff around the house occasionally.

The last couple days I had some business to take care of that I had to get done, and it was weighing on me. You know the kinds of things I'm talking about, those with deadlines and they all lineup due at the same time. You have to figure out how to prioritize each one, and get them all done up the same time. Not an easy task even when you're well. I'm very glad I've completed those items, and now it's the waiting game again for results on some of them. I have emails to return, some of which I have responded to and have responses back. The issue here, it is that I'm too exhausted to respond now. If only I could talk all my things out... but talking also is exhausting. I don't think this is going to be very long as I'm having great difficulty staying awake. As a result, I'm at the school early to pick up Abby and letting Audrey play on the school grounds where I can see her. I was concerned that if I stayed home, in between pick ups, I would fall sleep and miss out this pickup time.

Four minutes before the bell rings, and I hope they're not detained in departing the classroom.

Along with everything else that's going on, our landlords have also decided to raise the rent, there's a mold issue in the rental we are in, and we're going to have to be moving. We have found a place we think would be a good option for us at this point in time, and we're hoping no one else snatches it up before we get it. We will see, and I have prayed that the Lord keeps it for us if this is the right place. Part of me is certain it is, while a teeny part of me is scared it might not be and we would have to look again. This particular unit has a beautiful location. Every view looks out over greenery and the creek that you can't really see from where it is but it's still the type of area that is appealing. It's also the closest unit to the playground that is hardly ever used. It's also very close to the pool area which would be great for us. I have found myself falling asleep thinking about it, and waking up thinking about it. This is unusual for me, and it makes me feel very much that this is the place where we need to be. I also feel it is safe, and mold free. Mold free is crucial.

Well, that's it for now. My daughter should be out any moment, and I have a two-year-old screaming at me. Oh how fun.

Until later... I'm healing and anticipating glorious things.

Jen

You tell me...

Does this appear to be a problem to you? The lighter picture was taken Thursday afternoon, while the darker picture was taken Friday morning. Do you think this is an issue?

I am about to go downstairs and take a third picture, and maybe I will before I post this.

So, opinions?

Things to do...

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, in this blog, but we are looking for another place to live. I believe this place has a mold issue, it's too large for me to handle at all, and it's too much for Jim after a long day at work. I really couldn't do a whole lot else in a smaller place either, but as it gets better, I'd like to do more. I love keeping my house up and making it nice and inviting, but on this magnitude it's going to be too much to manage.

In addition, we could save some money to use towards medical treatment, and things to do as a family, savings, and so on.

I am so sleepy right now, I can hardly keep my eyes open. In fact, I'm too tired to blog. Thankfully I can speak, and that's what I'm doing with my Siri feature on my iPhone. I love having this as an app. Otherwise, some of my blogs wouldn't get written.

I'm feeling a little bit torn, on whether we should look for single-family home, condo or townhome, or an apartment complex. There are many pros and cons to each option, and also location is an issue. We would love to stay in Petaluma, but to find a decent place and get the amenities that we're looking for, we may have to move to Rohnert Park. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed on numerous levels. I think when we find the place, we will know. I definitely want to have access to pool, as the summer would be much more enjoyable with that amenity available. And the kids would love it.

We will likely downsize substantially, and eliminate most of what we own. Having this feel like a ball and chain around my neck, ankles, arms, everywhere, does not help me heal. We must you eliminate all excess so we can breathe more freely, handle our household better, and just move forward with our lives without encumbrance. This is been a goal and dream of mine for quite some time. It is what I wanted to do before we actually moved here, but external circumstances changed my plans. This can't happen again. It has to happen.

Unfortunately, I'm so much more exhausted and weaker. Plus much of my support system is in our former location. So I don't know how this is going to come together, but it has to regardless. I'll be so glad when it happens, and I don't have to think about it anymore. It will bring such a sense of freedom, and this weight on my shoulders will come off. I wish I knew how to handle this better already. But, I don't. I just started to pray and ask the lord show me where we are supposed to be. I'm just going to trust that when I step foot on the property we are supposed to be in, I will know. I certainly hope so, as I'm just pooped out. I just want to have it done and starts settling in the new situation.

Even our girls are willing to downsize, which is good, because they don't have the option to choose. However they're willing, and that makes a big difference and encourages me. It also shows that we are so willing to work together for our common good as a family. I'm really proud of everybody, this hasn't been an easy road and I know that especially Abby is concerned for my well-being. I'm concerned for everybody I want to be sure to make sure that they are Lyme free.

If we move into an apartment, and hoping to find a fairly decent place. I've told the little girls that we might move into a vacation house for several months. Their experience with condos or apartment like buildings have been with our vacation ownership, where we go and stay at a community that is much like in an upscale apartment complex. I'm decided to look on this as an adventure, and when we're able to downsize substantially and make it work, wheelbuilders to do anything. It's a good benefit to our whole family, and will unload all the things that could interfere with any sudden changes that we might encounter. I suspect there may be one forthcoming, and I just want to be prepared. I don't even know what that means, and I could be wrong. If we are prepared for anything, we will just be able to flow and go and do whatever it is that the Lord calls us to do. And if he doesn't call us to some sudden change or move, we will at least be in the situation or closer easier, more comfortable, and more enjoyable. This will loosen up the money for us to have some extra help while I heal, some extra money for dining out, as needed. This will free up money for medical treatment so we can get through this more quickly, and clothing if the kids need some. Jim's income is substantial enough for is to stay in the situation were in, but it will be cutting it close for the high expenses we've been faced. In normal circumstances it would be plenty sufficient, and changing our output and increasing our ability to do things more quickly, and save more money, will benefit us all on the long run. It will also enable me to have my children tested to see if they've received the Lyme, or any co-infections, congenitally. I don't want them to start feeling sick and be sick for 20+ years before they get help. So I want to make sure we are all treated, and all healthy. We have things to do, being inhibited by extreme health issues is ridiculous. And not how we were created to live, as we were created in our Father's image. I hear He's never sick. ;)

Well, I'm so tired I want to fall asleep, but I think I am going to try to get downstairs and check the ceiling and see if the dark color on the ceiling is getting worse. I really think it's mold. And if it is, I am so out of here. Then we'll go look at the apartment, and the townhome, that we have made reservations to tour. Tomorrow we will take a look at this darling older home in downtown Petaluma. That is, of course, if I'm up to it after today's activities.

So blog, blog, blog… that's all, for now, folks!

Getting cozy between a rock and a hard place... NOT!

Well, it's been a few days. I have had a lot going on and have seen some improvement in my physical condition, while experiencing some probable detox symptoms. On Friday, my mom came to take me to a doctors appointment where we viewed our blood under the microscope. I also had a Myers cocktail, which was an IV feeding of nutrients into my body. This is very helpful when you've been so depleted and ill, and I'm really glad I had it done, although it's quite expensive.

The blood showed improvement in liver function, although there's still a lot to be done there. It also showed signs of fungi, parasite activity, and so on. The chemicals that showed up in the last draw were nonexistent, and this is fabulous news. Bacteria still prevalent, as is leaky gut. Overall I was quite pleased with the results, as it has only been one month. I will continue working on this course of action until we get things resolved. The virus I had previously, that had showed up in the dry blood slide was not there anymore, and you can see the good vitamin C activity working. I also saw my omega 3s and they were in abundance, just as they should be. This is encouraging.

Still, any trip like this is exhausting for me. We went to eat afterward and it was too loud into overwhelming. Now I know another choice would be better in the future.

The following day mom and I went to lunch for her birthday, and you can see some of the pictures on my wall. We had a nice time and did some browsing at a shop across the street from where we had eaten, and that was also fun but an expensive shop it was. I would love to shop there if I had unlimited resources. However, I have very limited resources at this time. In the future this will be different.

I don't like being forced to look at my resources so often, but I'm in a position where this is important. Not only my weighing out medical needs, but we need all new tires on our vehicle, and these are not cheap tires. The spare we're using from the flat we had, is getting flat itself. It's not safe to drive, and Jim is on his way to air it up and hope that it holds the air. I am not sure what were going to do, as I'm just getting prepared to pay our normal bills. This is not even mentioning our medical bills that are forthcoming, as well as some other things I have found that we'll be very helpful.

But I have found something that I believe is going to be extraordinarily helpful. It is called advanced cell therapy. The premise behind this therapy is something that makes a lot of sense to me, that may not to other people. I sat in on the class today and I can tell this is something that would work for me. I'm excited and have to find the money for this, I really really do.

I'm starting to think I may have some energy or at least enough strength to take a small walk, sweep the floor, or something along those lines. Probably not more than one of those, but I anticipate in the future that I will be able to do more and more. It will take time, and it will take focus and determination, but I know how to tap into those.

For now I prefer avoiding going places, as my abdomen is so swollen I appear pregnant. I figure if I'm around people I don't know I can just pretend, but I hate lying if someone asks me. I have not lied about it, however if I say I'm dealing with health issues it becomes a conversation. I'm too tired to have conversations with everybody who thinks I'm pregnant. It is incredible to look so pregnant when I'm not and it's been 3 1/2 weeks I've appeared this way. In the past I've had occasions where I've bloated up from food, but this is ridiculous. I can have not eaten and look this way, have eaten and look this way, it doesn't seem to matter.

Well I have much to figure out and prayers are appreciated.

And one more thing, it looks like we might be moving. So prayers on that regard would also be very much appreciated.

I'm off for now, until next time!

Today was a long, tough day... but progress!

Today I went and had my blood viewed under the microscope again, and I got to see the updated results. It looks like all the chemicals that were in my blood at the last visit, a month ago, are gone. This is great news. Also the information that indicated I was having liver issues, has seen improvement. I'm excited to see the liver issues beginning to clear. This will help me with my detoxing and my whole treatment process. I also saw more parasitic activity, which is a nasty thought, though most of us and probably all of us deal with it to some extent. I had some white blood cells that were actually moving, indicating that my new process is also improving somewhat. Laminated three oils were very evident, in good supply and that was encouraging. In addition my vitamin C levels were high and we're showing they were working and assist in my body and overcoming infection and other issues. The bacteria was still present but it seemed to also have improved, and that also is an encouraging sight. Last visit I was able to view the virus under the microscope that I was dealing with, and this time I didn't see one. I just got over a nasty bug, and it was neat to see that any signs of virus had been eliminated.

They were still signs of liver issues but I saw that it was improving, and signs of fungal issues that I believe are related to mold in the home we are living in. This tells me that the thoughts I'm having that we'll need to move are probably very accurate. This isn't a 100% indication, as it could be a variety of things, but considering the other facts, this looks like it might be true.

I also had an IV nutrition treatment today, which will help my body heal from this nasty bug we have. I'm glad I got it, though it is a bit costly. Well, that's an understatement. But, it feels like it was a necessary decision and I'm glad I made it.

One thing I will certainly do differently at the next visit, is avoid the cheesecake factory. The place is extraordinarily loud, there're too many people, and the music is just ridiculous. The food is okay, though a little more costly than I would expect. And to the menu is so extensive I could hardly make a decision. I didn't feel very ill and slightly confused and didn't know how it was going to make it home without getting sick. However, once in the car where was quiet and calmer, I began to feel much better.

This environment is clearly overstimulating, and not a place I need to go at this point in my life. It probably isn't much my scene anyway, and now I know better.

I am hoping that as I begin to feel better, I can prepare better and take food so I'm not purchasing out, because this is not what I had planned to do today, they don't want to waste any of my treatment money on Jude out. I would rather have something on hand, soup or salad or both, a piece of fruit, whatever. But I don't want to be wasting my money that I need for treatment on restaurants. I would rather have restaurants later when I feel good, and can really enjoy myself. It is nice though to be waited on, but I'd rather do it when I have energy and can deal with the environment and have the right people with me. The people I was with today were great company, don't get me wrong, that isn't what I mean.

Today my youngest, Avalei, had to join us as I couldn't find childcare. It was a very long day for her and at the very end, she threw a massive fit in the car. But other than that she did extraordinarily well and am really proud of her. She made it easier than I thought it would be, and I'm really glad. Although, she think she has to use the restroom all the time and then does hardly ever go. I was truly too exhausted to have to keep taking her, and I was grateful that Jaimee and my mom helped. At the time I went, it was very difficult because I was so depleted. I hope by next time I go, there is somebody who wants to hang out with my precious kiddo, so I can go and just focus on what I need to do and not have to worry about her. In addition, my mom comes with me, and she needs to be able to just focus on me and not have to split her attention with a child and me. Already difficult for my mom and she's concerned for me, and she sees how exhausted I am. I can't really imagine what would you like to be in her shoes, and I appreciate that she helped me with the baby, but I'd rather her not have to take on so much. I don't want her to burn out.

I'm sure I have more to say, but I'm using my voice on my iPhone to write this and Jim is asleep next to me. I don't want to bother him while he's trying to sleep, and I need to read my Bible and go to sleep myself. I am really tired and I need to get myself in a better schedule, but we did get home late and I sleep better once I've done something for me. Usually this means watching a little TV, reading a little bit, or just something that has nothing to do with children.

I have to say I count the stairs a good day, even though there were times it was really hard. I'm glad I went, and it was very encouraged by what we saw on my blood. Especially after having been so sick and feeling so weak, and even sometimes having difficulty getting into standing and walking position. I anticipate that as the next few weeks go by, I have some really good results, and better then we would normally expect. I believe that my body was made an image of God, and he is never sick. I am a warrior princess, micelles belong to a warrior princess and can do the job they were created to do. I refuse to buy into any lies that would say otherwise. I know it's God's Word says, it's my truth, regardless of the current facts I'm contending with and I know that my future is bright and glorious. When God's truth comes into play, the facts don't matter. His truth always prevails, and my life will be evidence of that. I absolutely and completely believe this. So I know that the next 36 years of my life are going to be better than the previous 36. I have so much potential, so much going for me, and so much the Lord has planned for my life and I am so excited to embrace that.

I refuse to bow to annualize that would indicate otherwise, that would be contrary to the word of God, and it would be contrary to the truth that I feel and know in my heart. My future is amazing, it is starting now, the tide is turning and my life is just truly beginning. And people who know me best know that when things go negatively, and go against what I know is true for my life, and I feel the enemy's attack coming after me, I just get mad and I get even by glorifying God and embracing all that he has for me. I also start praying extra for other people, and I figure that'll kick his tail. That loser. I guess it's pretty much lose lose, for him. Because he doesn't want me to do the things that I'm going to be doing so he tries stop me, but then I get mad, I get the fierce, and I get things done. Wrong girl to mess with. I so mean that. And I am going to laugh all the way to heaven (all the years between now and then) as my future changes people's lives, because I'm willing, and because I love seeing people step into the fullness of who they are, who God is, and freedom becoming the mantra of their lives.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So there! I plan to make all the years of the past, by living full out, and seeing people's lives changed so spectacularly, that the past won't even matter. God isn't limited by time, MySpace, my location, by age, by economics standing, by gender, buy anything. So I plan to see all the things that I had wanted to do in the past done regardless. And that just means that we'll be more concentrated because it's taken so long for me to be able to do so. But it doesn't matter, because God is never late, and his plan and purpose for my life is still in tact because I'm still here, AND HE IS STILL GOD.

Let freedom reign, let Him be glorified, and let me be whole and healthy.

Bless you all! Thanks for reading all of this. You're a trooper! :)

Xoxoxo, Jen