Friday, February 17, 2012

Looks like it's truly a fresh start...

Today I talked to Jim as he was working at the old house getting stuff picked up. I am hoping to get my clothes back, and asking him where they are. I have been wearing the same thing and washing it for a week, something I recently purchased at Target. It turns out he was donating almost all of the bags of clothing in the home to Goodwill. I had to get off the phone, I was so upset. I didn't know what to do. He is working so hard trying to take care of all the belongings at the old house, washing them to bring here or donating or selling or trashing.  It's a lot of work, and it's not something that I am physically equipped to handle. This is very difficult for me, as I prefer to manage these types of situations, and brutal for him as he doesn't. Now I almost have nothing to wear and my favorite items are probably gone. I have to buy all new things for myself and for the kids, bedding and everything.  (And with what?  The medical costs are astronomical and funds are limited.) Trying to figure out what to do is upsetting, because I don't know where to begin and I don't have the energy or the strength to figure out how to replace these belongings. In addition I have my next doctors appointment next week, and don't know what all the test results will prove. Therefore, I don't know what expense will be involved in my treatment plan. I hesitate replacing a wardrobe, because I don't know how that it is affordable until after my appointment. I suspect I will be spending $6-700, but I don't know.  I feel sort of lost, and without direction. I just don't know how to plan anything, and we're all exhausted. I was able to call somebody to process everything verbally, as I tend to do best that way. Internalizing and trying to process internally doesn't seem to work for me, it just makes me more upset. But I found a really great confidant and person to bounce things off of in Pastor Manda, of Elim Lutheran Church in Petaluma. This isn't the church we attend, but it is a  really nice community of people. And Pastor Manda is a very good person to talk to. Although overwhelmed, and not happy with what we have to contend with right now, I just feel a whole lot better after speaking with her.

I was thinking I would write more, but I really need to take advantage of the fact that we have somebody here for the kids for a few more minutes. I should not have tried to pay bills, but rather taken a nap as soon as I could have. I think I'll just rest my eyes for a bit and hope that I get a little boost out of that before I tackle the bills.

Thank you for reading, for your support and prayers. Hopefully we find some good solutions for our lack of wardrobe here, and the few odds and ends we do have need things that will go with them. I will grieve the loss of all the things that held memories, and I'm sure in the future will be better off for it. It just feels really awful right now.

Blessings to you all, Jen

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I can't think of a title...

Well, I got my hair done today. I was holding out to save money for medical expenses, but when I saw a couple of split ends… that was it. I don't want to trash this mane of hair I have, I have too much to let it go down hill like that.

Now I am home, I am extraordinarily tired, and we have a lot to do to get ready for the latest transition. I just feel like crying, and I think it's based on pure fatigue. I don't know any other reasons why. But I do know that I need to talk with my landlords today, if anybody reads this, please be praying for that. I don't have a whole lot else I want to say right now. I'm just too tired to think about it.

Well, that's not true. I do have something I want to say. I want to say how grateful I am for all the people who are stepping up to the plate to help out. People who know that we're in a tough spot, and need a little bit of assistance, and are offering to step up and help out. I don't even ask them, they're just offering. And so lovingly and generously too. What a blessing, and I thank them with all my heart. It also gives me an opportunity to interact with people on a different level then I would normally at church, or other places. So I get to see a little bit more about the beautiful people that they are. It is really an amazing gift.

There's so many nuggets of beauty in my life, amidst the chaos, sometimes the fear and the pain that comes, and I just want to recognize those and share with other people how wonderful it is. I don't want to take for granted those things, these things that are so vitally needed, and so overwhelmingly appreciated. And once I'm well, I want to always remember how God blessed me with these people. These people who stepped out of their comfort zones sometimes, out of their personal circumstances, and into mine. And then they did everything they could to love me through the challenges that I'm facing, and that my family is facing with me. That just shows me more evidence of his glory and his goodness.

That's all for now, because I'm just too tired to say anything else. I just wanted to acknowledge that and say thank you to those people who are willing to give beyond, above and beyond the normal. You all rock my socks off, and are wonderful. You have no idea what it means to me.

Have a wonderful evening, and I'll post again soon... Jen

Sunday, February 5, 2012

As humor has it…

The title suggests how I am going to be carrying out the next few blog posts, at least that's what I'm hoping for. So stay tuned, is I intend to make your pee your pants laughing. Or something close to that… So maybe you should use the restroom first, ha ha ha!

I'll be going for the funny… Jen

Today is a good day!

Do you know who my heroes are? They are the people that persevere no matter what. They may get down at times, but they don't let life's circumstances take away their joy, take away their peace, and they just don't quit. I believe it was Winston Churchill who said never ever ever quit. I love that quote, and I take it to heart and take it very personally. It's important to never give up. Now, I haven't probably got that verbatim, but you get the point. I even had to buy the Franklin Covey bookmark, a metal bookmark that said the quote.

Often times people say it takes skill, family background, money, brains, or any number of things that will determine your success in life. But that's really not true. Your attitude determines your altitude. Sure, it's a cliche in some circles, but, it's true.

People need to change their perspective on the word brainwashing. Brainwashing is what people really actually need on a consistent basis. Brainwashing just consists of taking things that you want to have in your mind, and in your perspective, and making it real to yourself by consistently feeding yourself the truth. The truth of who you really are, the truth of what you want to see happen in your life, and then consistently working and heading in that direction. Making sure you are focusing on those things that you want to achieve, want to have, want to offer other people, what ultimately lead to the reality of these things coming to pass.

Don't know how much sense this is making to anyone who might be reading, but my thoughts are a little jumbled up and they're coming out as they're coming out, and I'm letting them. I believe this is going to free up my creative process, and allow me to really get down to the heart of the things I want to share with people. So this is just part of a process, call it a cleansing, detox, what have you. It probably all works. Sometimes it's a little stinky, sometimes it's a little painful, sometimes people may want to avoid it… But that's fine. Better out than in.

Today I made a choice. I made a choice to trust and operate out of the basis of trust, rather than to operate out of the basis of fear. This proved highly successful. But before I went in, and operated out of this place of trust, I asked the Lord to guide me and to give me a favor… Double favor, and to create a win-win situation for everyone involved. I realize the importance of making sure it was a win-win situation for each participant in this situation. And out of that place, I was able to have a conversation with the other party, and we both felt so great about the outcome, I believe. He felt honored, I felt listened to, and I think we both felt cared about. Regardless of how this person could have responded to me, I chose to take the high road. The method was contrary to normal advice, to go about it quite this way... however, I thought it was the best route and felt that it would most honor and respect the other party. As a result, what I was most hoping for will take place. There are some white yes here, but I believe they will work themselves out. And afterward, the scripture in Exodus chapter 14 verse 14, came to mind. The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still. Another version says not speak. This situation is a landlord/tenant situation. It could have gone any number of ways, however we will get out of the lease early, and into a place that's better for us. We won't have to pay anymore money at this point, and we should hopefully have our deposit intact upon vacating the premises. They said they were renewing the lease as they had some work to do on the home, and I completely agree with them. So we can come away from the situation both feeling that the other person is respecting and looking out for the other person's Best interest, while still looking out for what's best for our own families. It is truly a win-win situation. And I just asked the Lord to honor the situation in our hearts, and bring it together to a beautiful summation of our time here. It was not until I realized how I needed to ask for it to be a win-win situation, that I felt peace about it. I was concerned that the other party would be looking more at their own situation versus ours. And as I was concerned with that, I didn't have the ability to truly see how it could be a win-win situation from their perspective. It was something convoluted in my head, but as soon as I asked the Lord to bring it together in a win-win situation that made everybody feel good, I just felt this piece. I felt better, although I was still a little bit nervous. I didn't want to make the phone call, but I needed to make it to see what could be done to best bring the situation into a place that benefited everybody. However, when I brought it up to the landlord, he was absolutely wonderful about it and encouraging. At this point I just felt to pause, and I stopped to thank him for having us in his house. For having us stay here, and how much we've enjoyed living here. And we really have, it's a beautiful property beautiful location, and I know this is the right place first to start out here in this area
He seemed surprised and relieved. The tension that was slightly there, completely dissipated. I just thank him so much for being accommodating when we had situations that needed accommodation, for looking out for us and making sure that things were done properly here. There were times that things aren't quite right, but I feel like his intentions were always good even though his ways and methods could have been a little different. He thanked me and said how they had tried to make it nice for us while we were here, and I said I knew that they had and how much we appreciated it. I told him we had always attempted to make sure he knows any issues, so that they could get chesting keep the house and Smays running order. He thinks me. I told him I wanted to make sure that we were both happy with the outcome of our situation, and that it really matter to me that they were pleased. He was so nice, and he said that his main concern was that we were safe, and that our health was okay. He said the house was also important, but he was more concerned for our safety and well-being. I agreed, but said I very much wanted to make sure that they were happy with the outcome and that everything came together smoothly for them. I wanted to help ensure they were able to get the repair completed, and get somebody in the home that would pay them at reasonable amount and be able to get in quickly so that they wouldn't lose any money. I felt that it was a surprisingly reciprocal "transaction", and that both of us did want to see the best for the other, while also looking out for our families.
It is truly a beautiful thing when people put other people first. It is more beautiful, when that's been reciprocated process. I'm really stoked! It is such a rarity to find somebody who is willing to do that as I am. So often I find myself doing that when other people hold back in fear that I wouldn't be that kind of person. We do too many things out of fear, and sometimes we just need to trust. I'm not saying to be foolish, but there just is a time just take a risk and trust that the process will work and that God has us covered. Today at work, and today was a beautiful day. Now I hurt a lot, and I'm really tired. None of that is new, although my pain levels have increased. I imagine there may be rain coming, as the forecast does indicate this, as does my body. Another bit of good news is that the place we are looking at renting, is an apartment complex that has all sorts of extra amenities. The hot tub is not that far from our door, and this will really help with my pain management. The hot water soaking will be fabulous and helpful. I hope they approve us, and that we get to start moving our things shortly.

I better post this and get to bed. I've had multiple detox symptoms lately, and they feel like an icky flu. I don't much care for the feeling, although this is an indication that the treatments are working and that we will have made much progress, hopefully in short order. It is not uncommon for symptoms two worse than before getting better, but I'm hoping that if this is the case for me, that will happen very quickly. I really can't imagine trying to manage what little I am managing while being worse off. I don't think I could actually do it. I would need some sort of help, and I don't know where that would come from. Part of a worship song comes to mind as I reread what I just wrote, and it says my help comes from You, Maker of heaven, Creator of the earth. If there's any better source of help, I can't imagine what it would be. He has got me covered, and though I don't know how, and sometimes I know there's something required of me, I knew that he does have me covered. I have to admit, I often wish I knew what was going on. But sometimes trust has to be revealed by your letting go and allowing the process to come about that He has planned for you. It wouldn't be trust or faith without the letting go. And you wouldn't know for sure, if it was God or your own works, unless you truly have no idea what the Frick is going on. That is sort of where I am, but I have a sense of some great things on the horizon. Sometime within the next year some things are going to change, and I don't know what they are. But I know they're big, and I know they're good. And I know that God is good and He loves me, and He loves my family. And He wouldn't allow us to be in a situation that He could not receive full glory for, even if it's a situation that should not have happened, He can still make it beautiful and receive glory for it. And if this will bless someone else, then yay!

Okay, I am really signing off now. I am tired, so tired. But I think finally the Vicodin is starting to kick in a little bit, and although it only takes the very slightest edge off, it is something. I'm grateful to have something to help with pain management when it's the most unbearable. I do know there're things that would be better for my body for pain management, but I didn't have this prescribed right now. And I actually never have. If the pain increases any further, I just will have to bite the bullet and get some more help. But for now, my high tolerance is helping, to an extent. I probably should get into pain management, I just hate taking stuff. I just want my body to be well anyway. I was made in God's image, and he ain't sick.

If you read all this, kudos! And if so, make a comment like hi or that sucks or I'm glad today was a better day… Or whatever. Even the smiley face makes me feel good that someone would take the time to read all this craziness.

You have a fabulous day, and I will choose to have a fabulous day too.

Much love to you all, Jen

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Ebbs and flows...

Today started out feeling a little decent, and I did a couple things. But not a whole lot. Same for yesterday, I was able to do a little bit of vacuuming and sweeping although I kept dropping the vacuum and broom. Just like my grip gives out and everything tumbles to the floor. A bit of a pain, but I'm glad I can do a little bit of stuff around the house occasionally.

The last couple days I had some business to take care of that I had to get done, and it was weighing on me. You know the kinds of things I'm talking about, those with deadlines and they all lineup due at the same time. You have to figure out how to prioritize each one, and get them all done up the same time. Not an easy task even when you're well. I'm very glad I've completed those items, and now it's the waiting game again for results on some of them. I have emails to return, some of which I have responded to and have responses back. The issue here, it is that I'm too exhausted to respond now. If only I could talk all my things out... but talking also is exhausting. I don't think this is going to be very long as I'm having great difficulty staying awake. As a result, I'm at the school early to pick up Abby and letting Audrey play on the school grounds where I can see her. I was concerned that if I stayed home, in between pick ups, I would fall sleep and miss out this pickup time.

Four minutes before the bell rings, and I hope they're not detained in departing the classroom.

Along with everything else that's going on, our landlords have also decided to raise the rent, there's a mold issue in the rental we are in, and we're going to have to be moving. We have found a place we think would be a good option for us at this point in time, and we're hoping no one else snatches it up before we get it. We will see, and I have prayed that the Lord keeps it for us if this is the right place. Part of me is certain it is, while a teeny part of me is scared it might not be and we would have to look again. This particular unit has a beautiful location. Every view looks out over greenery and the creek that you can't really see from where it is but it's still the type of area that is appealing. It's also the closest unit to the playground that is hardly ever used. It's also very close to the pool area which would be great for us. I have found myself falling asleep thinking about it, and waking up thinking about it. This is unusual for me, and it makes me feel very much that this is the place where we need to be. I also feel it is safe, and mold free. Mold free is crucial.

Well, that's it for now. My daughter should be out any moment, and I have a two-year-old screaming at me. Oh how fun.

Until later... I'm healing and anticipating glorious things.

Jen