Time to say goodbye

After nearly 2 years of having this blog, I have to move in a different direction.  I have been working hard to create the platform necessary to live my passions fully.  I recognize that I have a voice for a reason, and though I love people and have a heart for people suffering from lyme, (of course) I have to be careful not to submerse myself in those murky depths.  If one is very tied to the illness, diagnosis and prognosis, I cannot help them as I would wish to.  And honestly, I cannot be limited by that.  I surely would love to reach the lyme community, a worthy community to reach out to, but I want more.  I want to touch the world.  And so I shall.  Regardless of illness or pain, both very real states I must contend with, I will continue to increase and do whatever I can to share with the world at large any darn thing I can that may bring benefit.  I wasn't called solely to my local community.  I know this.  I have always known this.  It is a bit intimidating, yes.  However, I will not allow this silly long term health interruption any more ability to steal my life and what I have to give.  I say NO and I am going to do what I was created to do ANYWAY!  So there.  Goodbye.  I will see you in the next chapter, I hope... nay, the next book.  I am closing the book on this one. :)

Love to you all.  Much appreciation for all you have done to support in support of me and my family.  I will post the new blog on my FB page located at www.facebook.com/jen.antoniou

You can also find me on twitter @jenantoniou and I am newly on instragram, but I am not sure my name there... probably the simple "jenantoniou".  Let's see what this next journey entails!  :)

The transformation

I had been angry, scared and frustrated. I felt God wasn't listening. Did He even care. Fed up and still mad I made a decision... this is what happened:

When I came to a place where I was so desiring Him and His will, and was willing to lay it ALL down for Him, even my dreams and desires, and said Yes... He began to show me what to do. When you say yes and make the decision, the answers begin to present themselves. I was so scared of giving up my whole life, my will, my dreams, MYSELF, but instead found that our desires matched. I let go of things I didn't need, and found much of what I thought I wanted was what He had breathed into me in the very beginning. That instead of losing myself, I began to truly FIND MYSELF. And who I found was profoundly more beautiful than I could have imagined. I have faced some very difficult times, and they are easier now than they were before. I'd never have been able to go through it before, but at the same time, more amazing things happen than ever could have. You find that you rise above. Greater joy, greater peace, greater understanding of how incredibly amazing you were created in Him. This has been my journey. I cannot speak for someone else. This is what happened when I was at a crossroads and I chose to die to self. I have no regrets.

A big step... time to face it.

I am profoundly sad.  I am grieved and hurting.  I am wanting to avoid part of this process for a couple reasons.  One, I love people deeply.  To look at, process the feelings and situations, and vent it out is painful.  But necessary.  I am speaking of facing the wounds from my past, the people that were instrumental in causing them, and write it all out.  It feels like a betrayal of people I love, in most cases.  Even likely more difficult is forgiving myself for whatever it is I am holding against myself.  My body is at war.  Inflammation is a body warring against itself.  There has to be emotional and spiritual significance to this.  This forgiveness homework has been given to me a long time ago, in my healing process.  I avoided it.  If I were to come to you, for instance, and tell you how action or words from you caused a deep wounding, you would have deep regret, because you are a kind and loving person.  You would either already carry this regret and pain, completely aware of the error of your ways, or you would be made aware and then the pang would be something you would have to process.  Just as difficult, and maybe scary for me, would be that you didn't see eye to eye with me and didn't feel there was anything about your behavior that could have caused me hurt.  That could make you angry, or you could dismiss me as being overly emotional.  Any variation of things could come about.  And maybe, just maybe, my recollection or response to things as a small child could be erroneous.  But it doesn't matter... wounding is wounding, pain is pain.  A simple I am sorry carries such significant weight, even if whatever happened was not intended or recalled.  Just being sorry that someone is hurting should be enough, and the other party should be willing to say it.  Because of love.

More than anything, I do not want to inflict pain on anyone.  I have carried enough myself to never want to cause it.  But I have.  Many times.  Not purposely, I don't think.  I am pretty sure that even when I feel like I want to or I can easily (though temporarily) justify such behavior, I do not think I have ever intentionally caused someone pain.  Why would you?

Then the next layer... self forgiveness.  I am beginning to think this may be the biggest part of my healing.  And frankly, I am scared.  I am so not wanting to go there.  But it may be easier than going face to face with my parents, brothers, sis-in-laws, aunts, uncles, friends, and so on... whoever may be one I need to release from anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, whatever is hidden in there.  Hidden, as if it were not, it would be dealt with already.

So here I am... knowing I have a healing appt at 10am and concerned I will be up all night with this.  I have put it off until the last minute.  Not on purpose really, but maybe?  I am kinda afraid to open this box.  What if it is Pandora's box?

I AM IMPORTANT ENOUGH!  I am important enough to take this step.  This very brave step into something unknown and potentially dark.  But I have a feeling that once illuminated, there will be a shine reflected that is brighter than the depth of darkness previously encountered.  Lord, please give me strength and wisdom in which places to go.  Hold my hand, hold me in your arms... keep me safe as I encounter things I don't want to see.  And in this, bring me healing such as I have never experienced before.  Freedom I have never known, that I can share with others.

I love you, and I love me... and reader, I love you too.  Thank you for caring enough to be a part of my journey.  May you have the courage to do the same, and may you experience a pure, deep, fierce freedom for yourself.

Cover me... I am going in...

Thank you!

Today I want to share a special thank you to you all who read my posts.  I will get more regular, though it has not been an easy task for me, because I tend to expend any "extra" energy that comes in on all the things I am behind on, so this gets tabled.  However, I feel I need to keep up on it, and I greatly appreciate the love and heart that goes into wading through all of this.  I know my life is challenging, and it is my daily deal... and realize it is often difficult to wade through someone else's 'stuff', whether or not it is easier or harder than your story, simply because it is not your story.  Thank you for caring enough to read, or even just being curious enough.  The surprise feedback I receive from people, when I had no idea they would care to read my posts, is encouraging, uplifting and gives me hope.  Extra hope, I mean.  :)

When a person is as vulnerable as I have been, with fatigue and/or very high pain levels... or even when the pain is lower, but CONSTANT, it can be scary.  You don't know if you will say the right things... whether or not that means you overshare, or you use the wrong word... and really don't know how people will choose to respond.  So  you can often be overwhelmed and on edge, trying to be careful.  What you are then doing is expending valuable healing energy to keep from offending anyone.  I give up on that.  I would never intentionally offend someone, so I let that go.  That is an internal thing for them.  I am doing my best.

Anyway, I digress.  THANK YOU.  I love you.  I truly do.  And if we have not met, we will have to remedy that and you will then soon enough know that I mean it.  :)

Blessings on you all!

Jen

Love is the answer...

Though not Lyme related, I wanted to share this.  It is important.  And it actually does relate to chronic illness, as it is allowed a foothold when the ability to receive and give love is lacking.  I am working on it.  <3

My response to a post on the recent court decision and how people are reacting:

As a licensed, ordained minister and wedding officiant, I am in a position to choose to love and embrace every person, or not. I just keep hearing LOVE, LOVE, LOVE over and over. It makes sense to love, as God IS LOVE.

Just as I don't share my opinion of favorite color with another, I won't always agree with others and their choices. How do I respond then to these situations? As I came home this evening, after having spent some time with a new couple in our community and realizing that they are a couple, and both male, I was searching for answers in how to respond to things that are very contrary to what I have been taught and I have been unsure of what to think or feel. I LOVE people. I cannot distinguish between people based on color, gender, sexual orientation, beliefs, whether they are a cat or dog person, or anything else. Bottom line, each person is an individual who deserves my love and respect solely because they are a person and created by our Loving Father. Created by love, meant to thrive on love, and aught to be loved to wholeness, whatever our Creator means that to be. As I felt a sense of freedom to love, JUST LOVE, and recognizing THAT is my responsibility, and that is pretty much it, I felt joy and excitement at even more opportunities to show that love. Then as I approached my building, a song went through my head that stood out as an excerpt of scripture, which I then looked up. Then I smiled and my heart laughed because it confirmed it all...

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (It even covers the sin of judgment, which many should be very grateful for. I know I am. And am also quite grateful that my erroneous thinking has been cleaned up... kinda funny on how difficult it is to judge someone you are loving. heh)

Regardless of what is right and wrong, you love. As Jesus did. And I admire and look up to Him and want to be JUST LIKE HIM!

Whatever you have done, are doing, will do, or didn't, aren't or won't be doing will not pull you out of a place of the love I have for you. Even when sometimes I don't like you or something you are doing, I can always still love you. Whoever you are, wherever you live, whether or not we know each other... LOVE. It really is the answer. Or should I say HE really is the answer. Love, He is the answer. :)

Overdue...

I have not written in a while.  It has been sporadic, at best.  Often it feels like a chore I just don't have energy for, yet when complete, I feel a sense of accomplishment and relief.  I feel like, just maybe, I said something that someone, somewhere will appreciate.  For some time now, I have had to try to use Siri to post and not type it up.  Predominantly as I did not have a laptop to use, and sitting up at a desk is not always the best thing for me.  You can often tell I was not typing it up, as the words or grammar will come out wrong.  To vs too or two, there vs their... you would think it would be obvious, but apparently that is not always the case.

The fun news is that Jim has taken on some side work and surprised me with a laptop!  I don't think I am all that easily surprised, but I was this time!!!  How amazing... so here I am.  I should be sleeping, but I need to jot a note and hope it helps me sleep.

Here is a brief list of what I am up to:

I am setting up a schedule so I can complete my wedding and event planning course, plan my doterra time, organize kiddie stuff while school is out, start a teeny exercise program slowly, organize my home some, etc. I have far more things to do than I do energy.  Perhaps I should spend some MORE money, sheesh, and get the couple supplements for energy.  Maybe I don't have enough faith in them.  But how can I know if I don't try?  Oh, one more thing... I will be scheduling some time for writing and blogging about using doTERRA's lyme disease protocol.  That isn't all, but is a start...

That is all for right now... I want to check something, and I need to sleep.  I think I can now.

Thanks for reading, and I will plan to write more regularly now that I don't have a very good excuse not to. ;)

If you can't sleep, write...

I have been having a fair amount of insomnia.  I thought maybe it was because some of the issues I have been dealing with were improving, sending back to the awful insomnia I experienced for many years through my pre-teens, into my twenties.

What do you do when you cannot sleep?  You watch tv or movies, you pray, you cry, you go on facebook, hoping someone is there... you toss, you turn, you cry again, you take a bath, you pray some more... you go outside to get some fresh air, hoping that will help, and then it hits you... you should WRITE.  Yeah, that is it!  I will write.  What will I write about?  Random musings, my kids, my awesome hubby, hot tubs, raw food eating, essential oils, makeup and makeovers, vacations, whatever and wherever the whim takes you.

I don't know where I will begin.  I don't know where I will end.  It doesn't matter.  Perhaps there is too much jumbled together in my head, or maybe I am feeling sad, for no apparent reason.  It could be the forecasted rain is causing the increased pain I keep ignoring, and maybe I should just take something for it already... but I would rather not.  Still maybe I should.

I hear the noise echoing from across the street at Food Maxx.  It would be nice if people could just be more quiet and thoughtful.  It would also be nice if I felt great, and even though tired, could just clean and get my home in order when I have insomnia.  But, it would disturb my happily resting family.

When I went out onto the balcony, I had a feeling my quiet departure had interrupted Jim's sleep.  Sure enough, after several minutes of breathing the fresh, cool air, the balcony door opened and he asked if I was okay.  "No, not really."  Sniff-sniff, cry... as aggravating as it can be to be unable to sleep, that cannot be my focus.  Which is difficult when you so badly want to sleep.  It is hard to think of anything else.  But I need to.  So I am going to google ideas to write about.  Then I will come back here, and write away.  Unless I get lucky and fall out... crash, snooze, zzzzz.....

My take on "me time".

This was inspired by a blog I just read. You can see it here, if you like: http://m.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/the-me-time-myth-11598542.html


Motherhood is a blessing, and a joy. It is also the most challenging thing you can do, as you hold precious little lives in your hands. Molding and shaping their futures with your love and words of affirmation, and truth of who God is just happens to be the most noble calling there is. However, as important is cherishing time with your children, is setting appropriate boundaries, and maintaining who you are, as an individual. The person you are, as a wife and mother, stems from your core identity. Of course, if you don't build your core identity on the Rock, you have no foundation. I love so called "me time". This is time I take, every blue moon, where I reflect on my life, where we are, and were we are headed. It's time I take where I get to do something special for me (pedicures are often underrated, lol... my last was in August!) where I remember to appreciate myself. My children often get little rewards, treats, and special love moments. I love me too. Not to their exclusion, but to remember the person God created me to be, and show her love. I find it makes me appreciate my beautiful family more, when I give myself this gift of time. When I honor the roll of wife and mother... I think it is a matter of perspective. A healthy perspective makes "me time" a healthy, nurturing time. Sometimes I find my "me time" includes a little "her time" with one of my sweet girls, or "him time" with my amazing husband. Sometimes we all take a break for some extra special "we time". :)

Me Time can be good. As with most things, it depends on the proper perspective.

Wake me up, before you go-go...

How about wake yourself up before you go-go, in my bed!

Well, I was sound asleep when Avalei started tossing and turning... I tried texting Jim, to no avail. (Not unusual... I often consider getting a landline with LOUD ringer because of this.) she then is upright. I feel her forehead, but it's fine. She starts bucking like a bronco, and whimpering. "Do you need to potty, do you feel like you're going to throw up (please God, nothing contagious... my niece or nephew could be here ANY time...)... does your tummy hurt?" Her head hits the mattress. Then she seems more distressed... I grab at her crotch... DANGIT! I run for the bathroom, banging on the wall as I go. I hear Jim finally respond... I get back to the whimpering three year old... she's barely awake and desperately trying to contain the flood she's unleashed, poor thing. But I've got a beach towel! I shove it under her and flip her onto part of it as I frantically sop up the mess. It began to hit me, how out of it I was, sound asleep for about an hour. Jim grabs a pull up, though I doubt she will need it now, and gets her back to bed. By now I'm slowing down yet as quickly as possible am stripping the bed. It actually went through the mattress cover, and everything! I feel bummed... my mattress has pee on it... then remember, I HAVE A FOAM TOPPER! Yeehaw, my mattress is unscathed. Phew! Everything is in the wash, thankfully the actual migraine has gone away... other than the after effects of grogginess and fatigue... and the 20 min whirlwind has ended. My
sheets smell like lavender, and I am hoping to go back to sleep.

I wonder if she will remember the only wetting accident she's had since going to panties at night... hope not. I'm not telling.

Sometimes hurt can provoke growth... it has for me.

A couple weeks ago my feeling were hurt by a couple people who don't know me well enough to know my real character.  It showed me another area I needed to grow in.  Not everyone will agree with me, or understand what and why I do things.  They won't always know the big picture, and sometimes they won't care either, actually.  I am not saying all this is the case with these individuals.  Although I did not like their approach, nor what they had to say (to completely different situations, just hit me all at the same time) and disagreed with them, they were not coming from a place of unkindness, nor do I believe their intent was coming from an ugly place.  The thing is, we are always going to encounter people and situations that make us upset, or rock our little worlds.  How will we handle them?  In the new direction I am going in professionally, one that was not intended but that I find I totally love, these situations showed me a couple things I needed to do to cover myself and make sure the people I am working with are well taken care of.  If what I am doing does not benefit the people I work with and for, then I am not interested in doing it.  Those of you who already know me, know that.  You know my intentions and desire to help.  Some of you are aware of my great desire to help others in business for themselves be as successful as they can possibly be, in keeping with their personal goals and dreams, of course.  As I grow, and heal too, I will be more exposed to more people.  Often people like me just fine, but there will be those that do not, or dislike my methods, or whatever.  Maybe they won't like my hair, or my voice, or something that is pretty insignificant overall.  Bottom line, I cannot allow those things to deter me.  I had that overwhelming feeling of wanting to just forget doing what I am doing, and realized that meant I was on the right course.  I implemented some new tools, as I realize what I am doing is taking off and creating relationship building and networking opportunities.  In addition, since I am getting a handle on how to charge for things, and getting minor kinks worked out... plus experience creates a greater ease, now I can incorporate fundraising into my little model here.  I can raise funds for causes that are important to me.  I can fuel connections within communities of commonality.  This is exciting!  In addition, I just read how loneliness damages your immune system.  With the Lyme disease stuff, I was too sick to have the regular people contact I need.  People often forget to make the effort to stay in touch... kind of an out of sight, out of mind sort of thing.  Often, they figure you are not well enough to have a little visit.  However, when everyone thinks that, you feel very alone.  This activity of mine is helping me connect with people, and find people who are like minded.  I am finding some really high caliber people I am blessed to associate with.  A win-win where we share different things with one another and learn from each other.  I feel very blessed.  I am interested in and excited to see what evolves as I win this lyme fight.  Even if under scrutiny, even when unfair situations come about, I am going to keep going.  Injustice makes me angry, but I will choose to allow myself to be angry about the situation, and keep that separate from the individual.  However, I will be very careful to disallow them from repeating the offense.  I do things and give of myself with all my heart... I don't hold back, don't have reserves, and put others before myself.  I have learned that does not mean I should not protect myself, as this is best for me and my family, but I choose not to be motivated by selfish desires.  When they rear up, I ignore them and make choices on what is good for those around me as long as it does not interfere with my personal integrity.  I think this is a good place to operate from.  Don't let situations (I am not going to say people, as I have chosen to believe that most people have good intentions and would not often choose to be hurtful or cause a situation that would make you feel badly) throw you off track.  Take what you can learn from them, if anything, and forge ahead.  Even if someone were deliberately trying to hurt or derail you, letting them do so is not the solution.  The people who need what you have to offer them won't go away just because you let go of your dream and focus... they will still be there needing what you have.  Put your ego and pride aside, or your hurt feelings, whatever it is... and focus forward.  Put your best out there all the time, but take care of yourself too.  I can look at those situations, made even harder because I really liked those people, and not feel the pang I felt when they happened.  This is huge for me, as it used to be more difficult.  Now on the flip side, what if you were a person who caused a painful situation, how could you make things better?  How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?  Maybe you really think someone else is wrong about something, or you don't like how they do things... consider taking the high road.  We are not the character police and should lay aside judgements.  We usually do not know what other people are going through or contending with.  And we all have differente experiences and personalities.  Let us take these things into consideration when we make the decisions we do.

Blessings to you all. :)  Jen

What creates value?

I am in awe of God's magnificence... HOW does He do what He does? I cannot fathom His Brilliance! He's absolutely Beautiful.

I began to think about what makes things valuable. My Father holds me in high regard. He sees me as extraordinarily and infinitely valuable.

So, I started to think about what gives things value. First, we think about the materials. What is it made of? What are WE made of? Dust of the earth, yeah... but He created us from scratch, and then breathed LIFE into us. From His lungs, He gave us life. From His heart, He created mankind. That's amazing.

Second, rarity, uniqueness, something nothing else is like. Our very DNA is unique to us. Nobody is like you. Nobody is like me. We are each ONE OF A KIND. Talk about a limited edition. ONLY ONE. Suddenly we see the value skyrocketing...

Third, what service can a particular item provide? We are all hand crafted, uniquely designed to serve a purpose that NOT ONE OTHER CAN. Some people carry similar giftings, or maybe some have a purpose, or calling, that can complement another, but not one is alike fully. That means nobody can replace you, and now you see your value is even greater.

Fourth, an emotional, or love attachment. Something contains sentimental value, or a person is dearly beloved, regardless of anyone's perceived faults. His love for you, the depths of the ocean cannot match. It is complete, and lacking nothing.

A year ago, we lost the majority of our belongings, and I was unable to do anything about it. A dress I'd worn as flower girl, in two weddings, and made by my mother... just the right size for my youngest, gone. If someone found it and offered it to me, though the value in a store would be $10-15, or so... I'd pay far more.

So fifth, is it replaceable... no? Higher value.

And sixth... what would you give for it, to keep or obtain it.

One more, number seven... appearance. Everybody appreciates things of beauty. Well, you were made in the image or likeness of God, and you were fearfully and wonderfully made. That's what makes you beautiful. (<---- you're welcome Abby... inside joke, tee hee)

You can see how your value is suddenly undefinable. You are irreplaceable. You are one of a kind. You are priceless, and in the efforts to secure YOU, God gave up His Son. His life, as recompense for yours. Nobody can do what you were created to do. Nobody can touch who YOU can touch. You were not a mistake or an accident. You were made for right here, right now, this very moment and moments to come. There is nobody, nor was, nor will be, who can take your place. Ever.

What do you intend to do with that? LIVE. To the fullest. Face every fear, and in doing so, disable it. Speak truth. Share joy. Choose hope. And most of all, show love. Truly represent the material you were crafted with. Your Father's heart, and very breath.

You hold infinite value. Honor who you are. The things that make you special. The things you can do, like nobody else can. Don't apologize for it! Embrace it, and celebrate it. Appreciate the beauty you carry in you.

In doing so, you will show how you value your Creator, by valuing His creation.

:) Have a wonderful day!


Ps, I just realized that a year ago, today, I started my blog. Wow... when I did, I was in a very difficult place. It hasn't been a fast process, but wow! I've come a long way! :)

Enough is enough

So, I've been afraid to focus on the good things, especially when I feel I've had a stall in progress. But even maintaining any improvement is a gain! Plus I need to get back into healthy treatment and focus. So here it is. I will kick this bugger in the arse by posting the good things, even if I am afraid that people will think I'm all the way better, capable of more, or whatever the fear is. I've got to disengage from the fear of what would happen if I "ignore" the disease stuff, and instead focus on what is better. I've struggled with this balance... it has been off-balance and unsure of how I manage it. Today I was in my class (via phone) with Gary Blier of Advanced Cell Training. Gary is very blunt and tackles what he sees you dealing with, head on. Thing is, even if it is painful, he's so spot on. You can't get away with anything. ;) But I am not in this class to stay stuck. This has been a long time issue. I don't know how to overcome it, really. I'll seek God, of course (duh, lol). But this process? Don't know how to manage it. Ack.

My request to anyone ready this is to pray for us still. Pray that I will rise above the fear, any loneliness and judgement, and focus on exactly what I need to so I can break through this. I don't want to associate myself with pain and exhaustion, but because it is so in my face, I do! I have to break through this. Please support me in this, and encourage me... I need help to keep my focus.

Shoot, I hear a very unhappy 8 year old... what now? School resumes on Monday... HALLELUJAH!!!! They need more stuff to do away from each other. These young ones fight too much! Sheesh.

Okay, breakfast and talking Audrey down. Getting dressed and ready, then to Petaluma to meet my dad, and Novato to go to their building and permits office, and then back home and need to design marketing materials for my upcoming February event.

I may try for a nap in there, but probably that won't work.

Anywho... My name is Jen. I am a daughter of the most high God. I am not Lyme disease and it does not own me. I am a princess warrior. Guess who wins?! ;)