I am profoundly sad. I am grieved and hurting. I am wanting to avoid part of this process for a couple reasons. One, I love people deeply. To look at, process the feelings and situations, and vent it out is painful. But necessary. I am speaking of facing the wounds from my past, the people that were instrumental in causing them, and write it all out. It feels like a betrayal of people I love, in most cases. Even likely more difficult is forgiving myself for whatever it is I am holding against myself. My body is at war. Inflammation is a body warring against itself. There has to be emotional and spiritual significance to this. This forgiveness homework has been given to me a long time ago, in my healing process. I avoided it. If I were to come to you, for instance, and tell you how action or words from you caused a deep wounding, you would have deep regret, because you are a kind and loving person. You would either already carry this regret and pain, completely aware of the error of your ways, or you would be made aware and then the pang would be something you would have to process. Just as difficult, and maybe scary for me, would be that you didn't see eye to eye with me and didn't feel there was anything about your behavior that could have caused me hurt. That could make you angry, or you could dismiss me as being overly emotional. Any variation of things could come about. And maybe, just maybe, my recollection or response to things as a small child could be erroneous. But it doesn't matter... wounding is wounding, pain is pain. A simple I am sorry carries such significant weight, even if whatever happened was not intended or recalled. Just being sorry that someone is hurting should be enough, and the other party should be willing to say it. Because of love.
More than anything, I do not want to inflict pain on anyone. I have carried enough myself to never want to cause it. But I have. Many times. Not purposely, I don't think. I am pretty sure that even when I feel like I want to or I can easily (though temporarily) justify such behavior, I do not think I have ever intentionally caused someone pain. Why would you?
Then the next layer... self forgiveness. I am beginning to think this may be the biggest part of my healing. And frankly, I am scared. I am so not wanting to go there. But it may be easier than going face to face with my parents, brothers, sis-in-laws, aunts, uncles, friends, and so on... whoever may be one I need to release from anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, whatever is hidden in there. Hidden, as if it were not, it would be dealt with already.
So here I am... knowing I have a healing appt at 10am and concerned I will be up all night with this. I have put it off until the last minute. Not on purpose really, but maybe? I am kinda afraid to open this box. What if it is Pandora's box?
I AM IMPORTANT ENOUGH! I am important enough to take this step. This very brave step into something unknown and potentially dark. But I have a feeling that once illuminated, there will be a shine reflected that is brighter than the depth of darkness previously encountered. Lord, please give me strength and wisdom in which places to go. Hold my hand, hold me in your arms... keep me safe as I encounter things I don't want to see. And in this, bring me healing such as I have never experienced before. Freedom I have never known, that I can share with others.
I love you, and I love me... and reader, I love you too. Thank you for caring enough to be a part of my journey. May you have the courage to do the same, and may you experience a pure, deep, fierce freedom for yourself.
Cover me... I am going in...
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