I am about to go downstairs and take a third picture, and maybe I will before I post this.
So, opinions?
Saturday, January 28, 2012
You tell me...
Does this appear to be a problem to you? The lighter picture was taken Thursday afternoon, while the darker picture was taken Friday morning. Do you think this is an issue?
I am about to go downstairs and take a third picture, and maybe I will before I post this.
So, opinions?
I am about to go downstairs and take a third picture, and maybe I will before I post this.
So, opinions?
Things to do...
I don't know if I've mentioned this before, in this blog, but we are looking for another place to live. I believe this place has a mold issue, it's too large for me to handle at all, and it's too much for Jim after a long day at work. I really couldn't do a whole lot else in a smaller place either, but as it gets better, I'd like to do more. I love keeping my house up and making it nice and inviting, but on this magnitude it's going to be too much to manage.
In addition, we could save some money to use towards medical treatment, and things to do as a family, savings, and so on.
I am so sleepy right now, I can hardly keep my eyes open. In fact, I'm too tired to blog. Thankfully I can speak, and that's what I'm doing with my Siri feature on my iPhone. I love having this as an app. Otherwise, some of my blogs wouldn't get written.
I'm feeling a little bit torn, on whether we should look for single-family home, condo or townhome, or an apartment complex. There are many pros and cons to each option, and also location is an issue. We would love to stay in Petaluma, but to find a decent place and get the amenities that we're looking for, we may have to move to Rohnert Park. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed on numerous levels. I think when we find the place, we will know. I definitely want to have access to pool, as the summer would be much more enjoyable with that amenity available. And the kids would love it.
We will likely downsize substantially, and eliminate most of what we own. Having this feel like a ball and chain around my neck, ankles, arms, everywhere, does not help me heal. We must you eliminate all excess so we can breathe more freely, handle our household better, and just move forward with our lives without encumbrance. This is been a goal and dream of mine for quite some time. It is what I wanted to do before we actually moved here, but external circumstances changed my plans. This can't happen again. It has to happen.
Unfortunately, I'm so much more exhausted and weaker. Plus much of my support system is in our former location. So I don't know how this is going to come together, but it has to regardless. I'll be so glad when it happens, and I don't have to think about it anymore. It will bring such a sense of freedom, and this weight on my shoulders will come off. I wish I knew how to handle this better already. But, I don't. I just started to pray and ask the lord show me where we are supposed to be. I'm just going to trust that when I step foot on the property we are supposed to be in, I will know. I certainly hope so, as I'm just pooped out. I just want to have it done and starts settling in the new situation.
Even our girls are willing to downsize, which is good, because they don't have the option to choose. However they're willing, and that makes a big difference and encourages me. It also shows that we are so willing to work together for our common good as a family. I'm really proud of everybody, this hasn't been an easy road and I know that especially Abby is concerned for my well-being. I'm concerned for everybody I want to be sure to make sure that they are Lyme free.
If we move into an apartment, and hoping to find a fairly decent place. I've told the little girls that we might move into a vacation house for several months. Their experience with condos or apartment like buildings have been with our vacation ownership, where we go and stay at a community that is much like in an upscale apartment complex. I'm decided to look on this as an adventure, and when we're able to downsize substantially and make it work, wheelbuilders to do anything. It's a good benefit to our whole family, and will unload all the things that could interfere with any sudden changes that we might encounter. I suspect there may be one forthcoming, and I just want to be prepared. I don't even know what that means, and I could be wrong. If we are prepared for anything, we will just be able to flow and go and do whatever it is that the Lord calls us to do. And if he doesn't call us to some sudden change or move, we will at least be in the situation or closer easier, more comfortable, and more enjoyable. This will loosen up the money for us to have some extra help while I heal, some extra money for dining out, as needed. This will free up money for medical treatment so we can get through this more quickly, and clothing if the kids need some. Jim's income is substantial enough for is to stay in the situation were in, but it will be cutting it close for the high expenses we've been faced. In normal circumstances it would be plenty sufficient, and changing our output and increasing our ability to do things more quickly, and save more money, will benefit us all on the long run. It will also enable me to have my children tested to see if they've received the Lyme, or any co-infections, congenitally. I don't want them to start feeling sick and be sick for 20+ years before they get help. So I want to make sure we are all treated, and all healthy. We have things to do, being inhibited by extreme health issues is ridiculous. And not how we were created to live, as we were created in our Father's image. I hear He's never sick. ;)
Well, I'm so tired I want to fall asleep, but I think I am going to try to get downstairs and check the ceiling and see if the dark color on the ceiling is getting worse. I really think it's mold. And if it is, I am so out of here. Then we'll go look at the apartment, and the townhome, that we have made reservations to tour. Tomorrow we will take a look at this darling older home in downtown Petaluma. That is, of course, if I'm up to it after today's activities.
So blog, blog, blog… that's all, for now, folks!
In addition, we could save some money to use towards medical treatment, and things to do as a family, savings, and so on.
I am so sleepy right now, I can hardly keep my eyes open. In fact, I'm too tired to blog. Thankfully I can speak, and that's what I'm doing with my Siri feature on my iPhone. I love having this as an app. Otherwise, some of my blogs wouldn't get written.
I'm feeling a little bit torn, on whether we should look for single-family home, condo or townhome, or an apartment complex. There are many pros and cons to each option, and also location is an issue. We would love to stay in Petaluma, but to find a decent place and get the amenities that we're looking for, we may have to move to Rohnert Park. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed on numerous levels. I think when we find the place, we will know. I definitely want to have access to pool, as the summer would be much more enjoyable with that amenity available. And the kids would love it.
We will likely downsize substantially, and eliminate most of what we own. Having this feel like a ball and chain around my neck, ankles, arms, everywhere, does not help me heal. We must you eliminate all excess so we can breathe more freely, handle our household better, and just move forward with our lives without encumbrance. This is been a goal and dream of mine for quite some time. It is what I wanted to do before we actually moved here, but external circumstances changed my plans. This can't happen again. It has to happen.
Unfortunately, I'm so much more exhausted and weaker. Plus much of my support system is in our former location. So I don't know how this is going to come together, but it has to regardless. I'll be so glad when it happens, and I don't have to think about it anymore. It will bring such a sense of freedom, and this weight on my shoulders will come off. I wish I knew how to handle this better already. But, I don't. I just started to pray and ask the lord show me where we are supposed to be. I'm just going to trust that when I step foot on the property we are supposed to be in, I will know. I certainly hope so, as I'm just pooped out. I just want to have it done and starts settling in the new situation.
Even our girls are willing to downsize, which is good, because they don't have the option to choose. However they're willing, and that makes a big difference and encourages me. It also shows that we are so willing to work together for our common good as a family. I'm really proud of everybody, this hasn't been an easy road and I know that especially Abby is concerned for my well-being. I'm concerned for everybody I want to be sure to make sure that they are Lyme free.
If we move into an apartment, and hoping to find a fairly decent place. I've told the little girls that we might move into a vacation house for several months. Their experience with condos or apartment like buildings have been with our vacation ownership, where we go and stay at a community that is much like in an upscale apartment complex. I'm decided to look on this as an adventure, and when we're able to downsize substantially and make it work, wheelbuilders to do anything. It's a good benefit to our whole family, and will unload all the things that could interfere with any sudden changes that we might encounter. I suspect there may be one forthcoming, and I just want to be prepared. I don't even know what that means, and I could be wrong. If we are prepared for anything, we will just be able to flow and go and do whatever it is that the Lord calls us to do. And if he doesn't call us to some sudden change or move, we will at least be in the situation or closer easier, more comfortable, and more enjoyable. This will loosen up the money for us to have some extra help while I heal, some extra money for dining out, as needed. This will free up money for medical treatment so we can get through this more quickly, and clothing if the kids need some. Jim's income is substantial enough for is to stay in the situation were in, but it will be cutting it close for the high expenses we've been faced. In normal circumstances it would be plenty sufficient, and changing our output and increasing our ability to do things more quickly, and save more money, will benefit us all on the long run. It will also enable me to have my children tested to see if they've received the Lyme, or any co-infections, congenitally. I don't want them to start feeling sick and be sick for 20+ years before they get help. So I want to make sure we are all treated, and all healthy. We have things to do, being inhibited by extreme health issues is ridiculous. And not how we were created to live, as we were created in our Father's image. I hear He's never sick. ;)
Well, I'm so tired I want to fall asleep, but I think I am going to try to get downstairs and check the ceiling and see if the dark color on the ceiling is getting worse. I really think it's mold. And if it is, I am so out of here. Then we'll go look at the apartment, and the townhome, that we have made reservations to tour. Tomorrow we will take a look at this darling older home in downtown Petaluma. That is, of course, if I'm up to it after today's activities.
So blog, blog, blog… that's all, for now, folks!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Getting cozy between a rock and a hard place... NOT!
Well, it's been a few days. I have had a lot going on and have seen some improvement in my physical condition, while experiencing some probable detox symptoms. On Friday, my mom came to take me to a doctors appointment where we viewed our blood under the microscope. I also had a Myers cocktail, which was an IV feeding of nutrients into my body. This is very helpful when you've been so depleted and ill, and I'm really glad I had it done, although it's quite expensive.
The blood showed improvement in liver function, although there's still a lot to be done there. It also showed signs of fungi, parasite activity, and so on. The chemicals that showed up in the last draw were nonexistent, and this is fabulous news. Bacteria still prevalent, as is leaky gut. Overall I was quite pleased with the results, as it has only been one month. I will continue working on this course of action until we get things resolved. The virus I had previously, that had showed up in the dry blood slide was not there anymore, and you can see the good vitamin C activity working. I also saw my omega 3s and they were in abundance, just as they should be. This is encouraging.
Still, any trip like this is exhausting for me. We went to eat afterward and it was too loud into overwhelming. Now I know another choice would be better in the future.
The following day mom and I went to lunch for her birthday, and you can see some of the pictures on my wall. We had a nice time and did some browsing at a shop across the street from where we had eaten, and that was also fun but an expensive shop it was. I would love to shop there if I had unlimited resources. However, I have very limited resources at this time. In the future this will be different.
I don't like being forced to look at my resources so often, but I'm in a position where this is important. Not only my weighing out medical needs, but we need all new tires on our vehicle, and these are not cheap tires. The spare we're using from the flat we had, is getting flat itself. It's not safe to drive, and Jim is on his way to air it up and hope that it holds the air. I am not sure what were going to do, as I'm just getting prepared to pay our normal bills. This is not even mentioning our medical bills that are forthcoming, as well as some other things I have found that we'll be very helpful.
But I have found something that I believe is going to be extraordinarily helpful. It is called advanced cell therapy. The premise behind this therapy is something that makes a lot of sense to me, that may not to other people. I sat in on the class today and I can tell this is something that would work for me. I'm excited and have to find the money for this, I really really do.
I'm starting to think I may have some energy or at least enough strength to take a small walk, sweep the floor, or something along those lines. Probably not more than one of those, but I anticipate in the future that I will be able to do more and more. It will take time, and it will take focus and determination, but I know how to tap into those.
For now I prefer avoiding going places, as my abdomen is so swollen I appear pregnant. I figure if I'm around people I don't know I can just pretend, but I hate lying if someone asks me. I have not lied about it, however if I say I'm dealing with health issues it becomes a conversation. I'm too tired to have conversations with everybody who thinks I'm pregnant. It is incredible to look so pregnant when I'm not and it's been 3 1/2 weeks I've appeared this way. In the past I've had occasions where I've bloated up from food, but this is ridiculous. I can have not eaten and look this way, have eaten and look this way, it doesn't seem to matter.
Well I have much to figure out and prayers are appreciated.
And one more thing, it looks like we might be moving. So prayers on that regard would also be very much appreciated.
I'm off for now, until next time!
The blood showed improvement in liver function, although there's still a lot to be done there. It also showed signs of fungi, parasite activity, and so on. The chemicals that showed up in the last draw were nonexistent, and this is fabulous news. Bacteria still prevalent, as is leaky gut. Overall I was quite pleased with the results, as it has only been one month. I will continue working on this course of action until we get things resolved. The virus I had previously, that had showed up in the dry blood slide was not there anymore, and you can see the good vitamin C activity working. I also saw my omega 3s and they were in abundance, just as they should be. This is encouraging.
Still, any trip like this is exhausting for me. We went to eat afterward and it was too loud into overwhelming. Now I know another choice would be better in the future.
The following day mom and I went to lunch for her birthday, and you can see some of the pictures on my wall. We had a nice time and did some browsing at a shop across the street from where we had eaten, and that was also fun but an expensive shop it was. I would love to shop there if I had unlimited resources. However, I have very limited resources at this time. In the future this will be different.
I don't like being forced to look at my resources so often, but I'm in a position where this is important. Not only my weighing out medical needs, but we need all new tires on our vehicle, and these are not cheap tires. The spare we're using from the flat we had, is getting flat itself. It's not safe to drive, and Jim is on his way to air it up and hope that it holds the air. I am not sure what were going to do, as I'm just getting prepared to pay our normal bills. This is not even mentioning our medical bills that are forthcoming, as well as some other things I have found that we'll be very helpful.
But I have found something that I believe is going to be extraordinarily helpful. It is called advanced cell therapy. The premise behind this therapy is something that makes a lot of sense to me, that may not to other people. I sat in on the class today and I can tell this is something that would work for me. I'm excited and have to find the money for this, I really really do.
I'm starting to think I may have some energy or at least enough strength to take a small walk, sweep the floor, or something along those lines. Probably not more than one of those, but I anticipate in the future that I will be able to do more and more. It will take time, and it will take focus and determination, but I know how to tap into those.
For now I prefer avoiding going places, as my abdomen is so swollen I appear pregnant. I figure if I'm around people I don't know I can just pretend, but I hate lying if someone asks me. I have not lied about it, however if I say I'm dealing with health issues it becomes a conversation. I'm too tired to have conversations with everybody who thinks I'm pregnant. It is incredible to look so pregnant when I'm not and it's been 3 1/2 weeks I've appeared this way. In the past I've had occasions where I've bloated up from food, but this is ridiculous. I can have not eaten and look this way, have eaten and look this way, it doesn't seem to matter.
Well I have much to figure out and prayers are appreciated.
And one more thing, it looks like we might be moving. So prayers on that regard would also be very much appreciated.
I'm off for now, until next time!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Today was a long, tough day... but progress!
Today I went and had my blood viewed under the microscope again, and I got to see the updated results. It looks like all the chemicals that were in my blood at the last visit, a month ago, are gone. This is great news. Also the information that indicated I was having liver issues, has seen improvement. I'm excited to see the liver issues beginning to clear. This will help me with my detoxing and my whole treatment process. I also saw more parasitic activity, which is a nasty thought, though most of us and probably all of us deal with it to some extent. I had some white blood cells that were actually moving, indicating that my new process is also improving somewhat. Laminated three oils were very evident, in good supply and that was encouraging. In addition my vitamin C levels were high and we're showing they were working and assist in my body and overcoming infection and other issues. The bacteria was still present but it seemed to also have improved, and that also is an encouraging sight. Last visit I was able to view the virus under the microscope that I was dealing with, and this time I didn't see one. I just got over a nasty bug, and it was neat to see that any signs of virus had been eliminated.
They were still signs of liver issues but I saw that it was improving, and signs of fungal issues that I believe are related to mold in the home we are living in. This tells me that the thoughts I'm having that we'll need to move are probably very accurate. This isn't a 100% indication, as it could be a variety of things, but considering the other facts, this looks like it might be true.
I also had an IV nutrition treatment today, which will help my body heal from this nasty bug we have. I'm glad I got it, though it is a bit costly. Well, that's an understatement. But, it feels like it was a necessary decision and I'm glad I made it.
One thing I will certainly do differently at the next visit, is avoid the cheesecake factory. The place is extraordinarily loud, there're too many people, and the music is just ridiculous. The food is okay, though a little more costly than I would expect. And to the menu is so extensive I could hardly make a decision. I didn't feel very ill and slightly confused and didn't know how it was going to make it home without getting sick. However, once in the car where was quiet and calmer, I began to feel much better.
This environment is clearly overstimulating, and not a place I need to go at this point in my life. It probably isn't much my scene anyway, and now I know better.
I am hoping that as I begin to feel better, I can prepare better and take food so I'm not purchasing out, because this is not what I had planned to do today, they don't want to waste any of my treatment money on Jude out. I would rather have something on hand, soup or salad or both, a piece of fruit, whatever. But I don't want to be wasting my money that I need for treatment on restaurants. I would rather have restaurants later when I feel good, and can really enjoy myself. It is nice though to be waited on, but I'd rather do it when I have energy and can deal with the environment and have the right people with me. The people I was with today were great company, don't get me wrong, that isn't what I mean.
Today my youngest, Avalei, had to join us as I couldn't find childcare. It was a very long day for her and at the very end, she threw a massive fit in the car. But other than that she did extraordinarily well and am really proud of her. She made it easier than I thought it would be, and I'm really glad. Although, she think she has to use the restroom all the time and then does hardly ever go. I was truly too exhausted to have to keep taking her, and I was grateful that Jaimee and my mom helped. At the time I went, it was very difficult because I was so depleted. I hope by next time I go, there is somebody who wants to hang out with my precious kiddo, so I can go and just focus on what I need to do and not have to worry about her. In addition, my mom comes with me, and she needs to be able to just focus on me and not have to split her attention with a child and me. Already difficult for my mom and she's concerned for me, and she sees how exhausted I am. I can't really imagine what would you like to be in her shoes, and I appreciate that she helped me with the baby, but I'd rather her not have to take on so much. I don't want her to burn out.
I'm sure I have more to say, but I'm using my voice on my iPhone to write this and Jim is asleep next to me. I don't want to bother him while he's trying to sleep, and I need to read my Bible and go to sleep myself. I am really tired and I need to get myself in a better schedule, but we did get home late and I sleep better once I've done something for me. Usually this means watching a little TV, reading a little bit, or just something that has nothing to do with children.
I have to say I count the stairs a good day, even though there were times it was really hard. I'm glad I went, and it was very encouraged by what we saw on my blood. Especially after having been so sick and feeling so weak, and even sometimes having difficulty getting into standing and walking position. I anticipate that as the next few weeks go by, I have some really good results, and better then we would normally expect. I believe that my body was made an image of God, and he is never sick. I am a warrior princess, micelles belong to a warrior princess and can do the job they were created to do. I refuse to buy into any lies that would say otherwise. I know it's God's Word says, it's my truth, regardless of the current facts I'm contending with and I know that my future is bright and glorious. When God's truth comes into play, the facts don't matter. His truth always prevails, and my life will be evidence of that. I absolutely and completely believe this. So I know that the next 36 years of my life are going to be better than the previous 36. I have so much potential, so much going for me, and so much the Lord has planned for my life and I am so excited to embrace that.
I refuse to bow to annualize that would indicate otherwise, that would be contrary to the word of God, and it would be contrary to the truth that I feel and know in my heart. My future is amazing, it is starting now, the tide is turning and my life is just truly beginning. And people who know me best know that when things go negatively, and go against what I know is true for my life, and I feel the enemy's attack coming after me, I just get mad and I get even by glorifying God and embracing all that he has for me. I also start praying extra for other people, and I figure that'll kick his tail. That loser. I guess it's pretty much lose lose, for him. Because he doesn't want me to do the things that I'm going to be doing so he tries stop me, but then I get mad, I get the fierce, and I get things done. Wrong girl to mess with. I so mean that. And I am going to laugh all the way to heaven (all the years between now and then) as my future changes people's lives, because I'm willing, and because I love seeing people step into the fullness of who they are, who God is, and freedom becoming the mantra of their lives.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So there! I plan to make all the years of the past, by living full out, and seeing people's lives changed so spectacularly, that the past won't even matter. God isn't limited by time, MySpace, my location, by age, by economics standing, by gender, buy anything. So I plan to see all the things that I had wanted to do in the past done regardless. And that just means that we'll be more concentrated because it's taken so long for me to be able to do so. But it doesn't matter, because God is never late, and his plan and purpose for my life is still in tact because I'm still here, AND HE IS STILL GOD.
Let freedom reign, let Him be glorified, and let me be whole and healthy.
Bless you all! Thanks for reading all of this. You're a trooper! :)
Xoxoxo, Jen
They were still signs of liver issues but I saw that it was improving, and signs of fungal issues that I believe are related to mold in the home we are living in. This tells me that the thoughts I'm having that we'll need to move are probably very accurate. This isn't a 100% indication, as it could be a variety of things, but considering the other facts, this looks like it might be true.
I also had an IV nutrition treatment today, which will help my body heal from this nasty bug we have. I'm glad I got it, though it is a bit costly. Well, that's an understatement. But, it feels like it was a necessary decision and I'm glad I made it.
One thing I will certainly do differently at the next visit, is avoid the cheesecake factory. The place is extraordinarily loud, there're too many people, and the music is just ridiculous. The food is okay, though a little more costly than I would expect. And to the menu is so extensive I could hardly make a decision. I didn't feel very ill and slightly confused and didn't know how it was going to make it home without getting sick. However, once in the car where was quiet and calmer, I began to feel much better.
This environment is clearly overstimulating, and not a place I need to go at this point in my life. It probably isn't much my scene anyway, and now I know better.
I am hoping that as I begin to feel better, I can prepare better and take food so I'm not purchasing out, because this is not what I had planned to do today, they don't want to waste any of my treatment money on Jude out. I would rather have something on hand, soup or salad or both, a piece of fruit, whatever. But I don't want to be wasting my money that I need for treatment on restaurants. I would rather have restaurants later when I feel good, and can really enjoy myself. It is nice though to be waited on, but I'd rather do it when I have energy and can deal with the environment and have the right people with me. The people I was with today were great company, don't get me wrong, that isn't what I mean.
Today my youngest, Avalei, had to join us as I couldn't find childcare. It was a very long day for her and at the very end, she threw a massive fit in the car. But other than that she did extraordinarily well and am really proud of her. She made it easier than I thought it would be, and I'm really glad. Although, she think she has to use the restroom all the time and then does hardly ever go. I was truly too exhausted to have to keep taking her, and I was grateful that Jaimee and my mom helped. At the time I went, it was very difficult because I was so depleted. I hope by next time I go, there is somebody who wants to hang out with my precious kiddo, so I can go and just focus on what I need to do and not have to worry about her. In addition, my mom comes with me, and she needs to be able to just focus on me and not have to split her attention with a child and me. Already difficult for my mom and she's concerned for me, and she sees how exhausted I am. I can't really imagine what would you like to be in her shoes, and I appreciate that she helped me with the baby, but I'd rather her not have to take on so much. I don't want her to burn out.
I'm sure I have more to say, but I'm using my voice on my iPhone to write this and Jim is asleep next to me. I don't want to bother him while he's trying to sleep, and I need to read my Bible and go to sleep myself. I am really tired and I need to get myself in a better schedule, but we did get home late and I sleep better once I've done something for me. Usually this means watching a little TV, reading a little bit, or just something that has nothing to do with children.
I have to say I count the stairs a good day, even though there were times it was really hard. I'm glad I went, and it was very encouraged by what we saw on my blood. Especially after having been so sick and feeling so weak, and even sometimes having difficulty getting into standing and walking position. I anticipate that as the next few weeks go by, I have some really good results, and better then we would normally expect. I believe that my body was made an image of God, and he is never sick. I am a warrior princess, micelles belong to a warrior princess and can do the job they were created to do. I refuse to buy into any lies that would say otherwise. I know it's God's Word says, it's my truth, regardless of the current facts I'm contending with and I know that my future is bright and glorious. When God's truth comes into play, the facts don't matter. His truth always prevails, and my life will be evidence of that. I absolutely and completely believe this. So I know that the next 36 years of my life are going to be better than the previous 36. I have so much potential, so much going for me, and so much the Lord has planned for my life and I am so excited to embrace that.
I refuse to bow to annualize that would indicate otherwise, that would be contrary to the word of God, and it would be contrary to the truth that I feel and know in my heart. My future is amazing, it is starting now, the tide is turning and my life is just truly beginning. And people who know me best know that when things go negatively, and go against what I know is true for my life, and I feel the enemy's attack coming after me, I just get mad and I get even by glorifying God and embracing all that he has for me. I also start praying extra for other people, and I figure that'll kick his tail. That loser. I guess it's pretty much lose lose, for him. Because he doesn't want me to do the things that I'm going to be doing so he tries stop me, but then I get mad, I get the fierce, and I get things done. Wrong girl to mess with. I so mean that. And I am going to laugh all the way to heaven (all the years between now and then) as my future changes people's lives, because I'm willing, and because I love seeing people step into the fullness of who they are, who God is, and freedom becoming the mantra of their lives.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So there! I plan to make all the years of the past, by living full out, and seeing people's lives changed so spectacularly, that the past won't even matter. God isn't limited by time, MySpace, my location, by age, by economics standing, by gender, buy anything. So I plan to see all the things that I had wanted to do in the past done regardless. And that just means that we'll be more concentrated because it's taken so long for me to be able to do so. But it doesn't matter, because God is never late, and his plan and purpose for my life is still in tact because I'm still here, AND HE IS STILL GOD.
Let freedom reign, let Him be glorified, and let me be whole and healthy.
Bless you all! Thanks for reading all of this. You're a trooper! :)
Xoxoxo, Jen
Friday, January 20, 2012
Sometimes I feel a little sad... but I have a hope and a future!
Something happened today that I wanted to share. But I forgot what it was. heh... OH! I just remembered... must be worth mentioning. ;)
Not too long ago, a couple weeks at most, I would say... I came across this story on a website I found. The website is called "But you don't look sick" and I was intrigued because I don't "look" sick when I am able to dress properly, fix my hair and makeup and if I throw on a smile. I could often fool you. But not always... sometimes I am so stiff and in pain, I find myself shuffling around as an elderly person one. And I mean ELDERLY, not just mature or older. There is a difference. Anyway, I found the perfect way to describe what life is when chronically ill. Now my body has been struggling with sickness, and I sometimes have a hard time with this, because even though I have felt like I have to prove or convince people I have not been well, I don't "see" myself as infirm. I mean who I really am is not ill. Who I really am is a kick butt, lioness princess warrior. She has been fighting to emerge, and watch out as it happens, because this cocoon will be busted through and I am in the process of emerging as an incredibly beautiful, rare butterfly... with translucent wings of POWER and STRENGTH. Plus I glow in the dark. Cool, huh? :D Don't be jealous... I had to go through a helluvah lot to earn that. haha Okay, so check it out:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/
I felt like crying today because I started my day with the handle of a spoon. *lopsided grin* What, you don't know what I mean? The link wasn't a suggestion, it was to make sense of everything else I am saying. If you don't know the spoon theory, you won't have a clue what I am talking about. Erg... so stop, go back and read the story already. I mean, pwwweeaaase. ;) It really is beautifully written. And so true.
So my Uncle is visiting. I capitalized so you understand how important he is. hehe... the little kids are referring to him simply as uncle. Avalei, at 2.5, is a bit confused and since she sees my brother Pete (elder of my younger two brothers) most, thinks that if he is uncle, he is Uncle Pete. So she often calls him Uncle Pete. He prefers Uncle Max. haha... it is rather funny. My uncle and I, along with Avalei and Jim (who came from work to join us) had a late breakfast, slightly early lunch. Oh fine, we went to "brunch" at Lumberjacks. Really. That is why is sounds ridiculous to say brunch. How many lumberjacks you know who do "brunch"? Yeah, sure. :P Well, afterward, I was just pooped. It was a chore to get there and I was fighting to remain alert. I mean, who else is going to drop everything and raise my 2 year old while I recover? If there were such a person, I know I could recover faster because I could get the proper rest, but I don't know of anyway. (Although I do have some lovely people who help out as they can... thank you who do and who pray. Both are SOOOO needed.) I tell Uncle, "I am so tired..." He asks if I am out of spoons already... I say I think I only started the day with a handle. Normally I at least have several, though everything costs quite a lot, in the spoon department. He reaches over, and grabs his unused spoon off the table. "Here, have my spoon. It hasn't even been used yet." I laugh as he smiles and know that if he literally could give me one of his life spoons, he likely would. He is just like that. He has a lot of heart. And although he doesn't intimate how he feels often, and hardly at all if you mean literally, I know he loves me. A whole bunch. And I love him too. It's easier because I understand him. I don't always understand why he thinks how he does, but pretty much I understand his perspective and the why of it. For this reason, I can overlook things that others would not see past. But I digress. I was driving home, a thing I do not take for granted as it is more challenging to me now than it used to be... temporary, I am sure.... (how long, no clue) Avalei was yawning and I knew if I continued to drive a bit extra, she would pass out. I could go home, take her from the car, and tuck her in. Then I could take a nap for an hour or so, and regain some strength. Or not. Actually, only not. I cannot carry her anymore. My legs are so weak, I am concerned with just getting myself around, much less the fight I would have with her to carry her. Today I dropped a medium iced tea (weren't these the old larges?.. I would have said SMALL!... what is wrong with our overinflated indulgences type of society??!!... another time, another blog) because my strength was not fully intact and my wrist gave out, so I dropped it. On the floor. In my car. Oh joy. OH PRAISE! The lid stayed on! I only had minimal iced tea to mop up. Phew.
I hope I never take for granted the ability to stand, to walk, to carry my little toddler (well, she is big for a toddler), to drive, to make choices most people don't have to think about. I hope I don't lose my perspective. I want to have so much good come from the pain, from the difficulty, and want to have it be a challenge that changed me into a woman of compassion, of grace, of strength (regardless of physical ability!), of strong character, of understanding, of love, of mercy, of beauty, of the nonjudgmental persuasion, and so on. Let it not be for naught. Let me have become so much through the trials, pain and confusion, that as I come through the other side, the enemy gets SCARED! He should be. I intend to make him pay by being ALL GOD CALLED ME TO BE. That can be scary, because it is BIG. But have you seen my GOD? Is there anything, anyone, any problem, any ANYTHING BIGGER? Nope. So it's all good.
Time for my renewing of the mind with my word... Bible in, garbage out... haha. Feel free to comment. Unless you don't have nice things to say, and then "away with you". I have enough that could be perceived negatively without allowing people access to add to the challenge. But anything else is fine... you know, within reason people! Come on, you had to go there... hahaha... I am just fooling around. Because I can. And because this is basically my diary and I do what I want. For my own therapy, amusement, pleasure and fun. Or whatever.
Hasta la vista. Until the next time I have something spilling from my fingertips, writing whatever I feel like without apology... Jen
Not too long ago, a couple weeks at most, I would say... I came across this story on a website I found. The website is called "But you don't look sick" and I was intrigued because I don't "look" sick when I am able to dress properly, fix my hair and makeup and if I throw on a smile. I could often fool you. But not always... sometimes I am so stiff and in pain, I find myself shuffling around as an elderly person one. And I mean ELDERLY, not just mature or older. There is a difference. Anyway, I found the perfect way to describe what life is when chronically ill. Now my body has been struggling with sickness, and I sometimes have a hard time with this, because even though I have felt like I have to prove or convince people I have not been well, I don't "see" myself as infirm. I mean who I really am is not ill. Who I really am is a kick butt, lioness princess warrior. She has been fighting to emerge, and watch out as it happens, because this cocoon will be busted through and I am in the process of emerging as an incredibly beautiful, rare butterfly... with translucent wings of POWER and STRENGTH. Plus I glow in the dark. Cool, huh? :D Don't be jealous... I had to go through a helluvah lot to earn that. haha Okay, so check it out:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/
I felt like crying today because I started my day with the handle of a spoon. *lopsided grin* What, you don't know what I mean? The link wasn't a suggestion, it was to make sense of everything else I am saying. If you don't know the spoon theory, you won't have a clue what I am talking about. Erg... so stop, go back and read the story already. I mean, pwwweeaaase. ;) It really is beautifully written. And so true.
So my Uncle is visiting. I capitalized so you understand how important he is. hehe... the little kids are referring to him simply as uncle. Avalei, at 2.5, is a bit confused and since she sees my brother Pete (elder of my younger two brothers) most, thinks that if he is uncle, he is Uncle Pete. So she often calls him Uncle Pete. He prefers Uncle Max. haha... it is rather funny. My uncle and I, along with Avalei and Jim (who came from work to join us) had a late breakfast, slightly early lunch. Oh fine, we went to "brunch" at Lumberjacks. Really. That is why is sounds ridiculous to say brunch. How many lumberjacks you know who do "brunch"? Yeah, sure. :P Well, afterward, I was just pooped. It was a chore to get there and I was fighting to remain alert. I mean, who else is going to drop everything and raise my 2 year old while I recover? If there were such a person, I know I could recover faster because I could get the proper rest, but I don't know of anyway. (Although I do have some lovely people who help out as they can... thank you who do and who pray. Both are SOOOO needed.) I tell Uncle, "I am so tired..." He asks if I am out of spoons already... I say I think I only started the day with a handle. Normally I at least have several, though everything costs quite a lot, in the spoon department. He reaches over, and grabs his unused spoon off the table. "Here, have my spoon. It hasn't even been used yet." I laugh as he smiles and know that if he literally could give me one of his life spoons, he likely would. He is just like that. He has a lot of heart. And although he doesn't intimate how he feels often, and hardly at all if you mean literally, I know he loves me. A whole bunch. And I love him too. It's easier because I understand him. I don't always understand why he thinks how he does, but pretty much I understand his perspective and the why of it. For this reason, I can overlook things that others would not see past. But I digress. I was driving home, a thing I do not take for granted as it is more challenging to me now than it used to be... temporary, I am sure.... (how long, no clue) Avalei was yawning and I knew if I continued to drive a bit extra, she would pass out. I could go home, take her from the car, and tuck her in. Then I could take a nap for an hour or so, and regain some strength. Or not. Actually, only not. I cannot carry her anymore. My legs are so weak, I am concerned with just getting myself around, much less the fight I would have with her to carry her. Today I dropped a medium iced tea (weren't these the old larges?.. I would have said SMALL!... what is wrong with our overinflated indulgences type of society??!!... another time, another blog) because my strength was not fully intact and my wrist gave out, so I dropped it. On the floor. In my car. Oh joy. OH PRAISE! The lid stayed on! I only had minimal iced tea to mop up. Phew.
I hope I never take for granted the ability to stand, to walk, to carry my little toddler (well, she is big for a toddler), to drive, to make choices most people don't have to think about. I hope I don't lose my perspective. I want to have so much good come from the pain, from the difficulty, and want to have it be a challenge that changed me into a woman of compassion, of grace, of strength (regardless of physical ability!), of strong character, of understanding, of love, of mercy, of beauty, of the nonjudgmental persuasion, and so on. Let it not be for naught. Let me have become so much through the trials, pain and confusion, that as I come through the other side, the enemy gets SCARED! He should be. I intend to make him pay by being ALL GOD CALLED ME TO BE. That can be scary, because it is BIG. But have you seen my GOD? Is there anything, anyone, any problem, any ANYTHING BIGGER? Nope. So it's all good.
Time for my renewing of the mind with my word... Bible in, garbage out... haha. Feel free to comment. Unless you don't have nice things to say, and then "away with you". I have enough that could be perceived negatively without allowing people access to add to the challenge. But anything else is fine... you know, within reason people! Come on, you had to go there... hahaha... I am just fooling around. Because I can. And because this is basically my diary and I do what I want. For my own therapy, amusement, pleasure and fun. Or whatever.
Hasta la vista. Until the next time I have something spilling from my fingertips, writing whatever I feel like without apology... Jen
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Expecting the Unexpected
I am feeling a little bit sad. I am looking into what I will have to do for my treatment, and it appears I will have to move into another home. I will also likely have to get rid of mattresses, couches, etc... basically any furniture you cannot wipe down and have it be mold free. All books, especially those in the garage, paperwork, kids' artwork, baby books?... oh my gosh. This is hard. I am the mistress of the understatement. We will probably have to just walk about from most of our belongings. That is not all bad, but I just might need some therapy for this. Oh boy. Plus we would need to downsize to save money, so we will be selling some of the wood furniture to pay for some treatments and because we cannot fit everything. Some things we could likely salvage, but is it worth the risk?
We really need 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, some space for the littles to play and keep their toys, and I would LOVE a fireplace... it's a "little" thing that means a lot to me. I could also really be okay with a hot tub... if in a condo or apartment or something.
Yet again, nearly 2 months after a sudden move away from my family and friends, my family and I relocated with scarcely any time to plan or tell people. It would be a few months after the move and people would be asking when we were moving and we were long gone.
I miss everyone. We have made some wonderful new friends and are so blessed for the support and love we have received on this journey. It is incredible, humbling, and growth-provoking. I don't want to have to move further than a couple minutes from the kids' school. I would rather stay put and just have any issues eradicated. I don't think this is our journey though. I wish.
I think for a little while I will be in a bit of a roller coaster. I hope the kids roll with it more smoothly... it's been crazy for them. The move has been good though... I have seen us more secure on ourselves and having the ability to just be us without anyone's preconceived, and often erroneous, ideas about who we are. Here is our new beginning. Here is our launching pad... but I don't believe that it is the fullness of it... I believe this is just to get our feet wet and prepare us for this BIG jump, the freshest start imaginable, and the walk of faith and beauty we have never known before. This does frighten me. It is unknown and I prefer planning. Spontaneous is good when I get to choose it for fun and in safety. Safety, to me, feels like something with parameters. I know this is not accurate, but it's where I am comfortable. And that is why I cannot stay there. Because then I won't grow. And I have much more growing to do... because I have something extraordinarily HUGE coming that I must do. I wonder what it is.
Goodnight... Jen
We really need 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, some space for the littles to play and keep their toys, and I would LOVE a fireplace... it's a "little" thing that means a lot to me. I could also really be okay with a hot tub... if in a condo or apartment or something.
Yet again, nearly 2 months after a sudden move away from my family and friends, my family and I relocated with scarcely any time to plan or tell people. It would be a few months after the move and people would be asking when we were moving and we were long gone.
I miss everyone. We have made some wonderful new friends and are so blessed for the support and love we have received on this journey. It is incredible, humbling, and growth-provoking. I don't want to have to move further than a couple minutes from the kids' school. I would rather stay put and just have any issues eradicated. I don't think this is our journey though. I wish.
I think for a little while I will be in a bit of a roller coaster. I hope the kids roll with it more smoothly... it's been crazy for them. The move has been good though... I have seen us more secure on ourselves and having the ability to just be us without anyone's preconceived, and often erroneous, ideas about who we are. Here is our new beginning. Here is our launching pad... but I don't believe that it is the fullness of it... I believe this is just to get our feet wet and prepare us for this BIG jump, the freshest start imaginable, and the walk of faith and beauty we have never known before. This does frighten me. It is unknown and I prefer planning. Spontaneous is good when I get to choose it for fun and in safety. Safety, to me, feels like something with parameters. I know this is not accurate, but it's where I am comfortable. And that is why I cannot stay there. Because then I won't grow. And I have much more growing to do... because I have something extraordinarily HUGE coming that I must do. I wonder what it is.
Goodnight... Jen
I AM SERIOUSLY BLOWN AWAY!!!
The last week has been a doozy. I have been seriously knocked down and feel like I have been through surgery... that level of exhaustion and lethargy. It's tough and can be discouraging. You want to throw in the towel, but what towel? You want to quit... but quit what? And you just press on and hope it will turn into pressing through as quickly as possible.
I am keeping this short... but I called and spoke with someone about a product I felt was crucial for my healing, but that I don't have several hundred dollars for and I ended up really crying. This person asked me multiple questions, that I answered, and was moved with compassion. It blessed me that they cared. Then I was told this person was sending me this device for FREE. YES, FREE! In my darkest, hardest, weakest place, the Lord met me with a gift... through a person. A person I can bless back with my prayer and love. How honoring to me... how uplifting... HOW EXCITING! I believe it will aid in this family's healing.
I am keeping this one short, as I keep getting tired and forgetting to finish my posts. I started this one a couple days ago, at least. If I can stay awake, I will post something else in a bit.
I may be sideways, but I am still on track... Jen
I am keeping this short... but I called and spoke with someone about a product I felt was crucial for my healing, but that I don't have several hundred dollars for and I ended up really crying. This person asked me multiple questions, that I answered, and was moved with compassion. It blessed me that they cared. Then I was told this person was sending me this device for FREE. YES, FREE! In my darkest, hardest, weakest place, the Lord met me with a gift... through a person. A person I can bless back with my prayer and love. How honoring to me... how uplifting... HOW EXCITING! I believe it will aid in this family's healing.
I am keeping this one short, as I keep getting tired and forgetting to finish my posts. I started this one a couple days ago, at least. If I can stay awake, I will post something else in a bit.
I may be sideways, but I am still on track... Jen
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Sick in bed is a lonely place to be
Curse you Lyme Disease and co-infections for ripping away half of my life I would have lived more fully. You suck. Die. And stay away from me and my family, friends, and even our future pets! You can't have me anymore! So no matter what it takes, and I know it's not likely to be at all easy, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU DEAD. YOU CANNOT HAVE ME, OR MY LOVED ONES! SO DIE!!!
I am tired, and my eyesight is blurry. I need to sleep, but am having difficulty doing so. But I am forced to rest, as it is currently difficult to get to the bathroom and back.
I just took a little mental break and thought of some of the people who, well-intentioned but misguided, have cautioned me to not accept or claim illness. Well, I do neither, however, I would be a complete fool to disregard what I need to do on my part to walk out my wholeness. My body is currently in a state of disease. This is factual. Truth tells me I was made in God's image. Therefore, I should not be experiencing infirmity. However, I am in bed because my body lacks the strength to do much more right now. Every day I fight, not only a disease, but the mental attacks the enemy likes to employ to throw me. Sometimes I just don't know how I am going to do this. Well, mostly every moment that is factual. Still, I know I will beat this with my AWESOME Physician. He just happens to be my Father. I know that God did not intend for me to be ill. I know He has beautiful things for me and my future. I know, as well, that He takes the ugly things He never intended to have happen, and creates beauty. So He and I will together take this journey and use this ugly disease as a platform to proclaim TRUTH, HIS LOVE, and GOODNESS and the GOOD NEWS. Meanwhile, I sit here on my bed, lonely but not really up for company, and I cry. This is really, really hard. I may have to move for a couple reasons. One. because I have suspected a mold issue here for over a year, and if this is the case, treatments will not work well in an already compromised environment... and two, because of the money. We will need a lot more to do this, and I am not one who can do much to help now, financially. If I can find a way to make writing lucrative, I may be able to do something. So we will see. My energy levels require constant awareness so they don't get so low, it's even hard to regain balanced footing.
I am going to write a little wish list here... I need it in one place, and it's right here hounding me so here it goes.
My wish while I heal:
Help with meals, I am no help on this (thought I have sat and peeled potatoes and done little things, I am not even up to that right now) and Jim needs a break at least a couple times a week. Also, it would be great for me to have things made up so I will eat while he is working. I often just don't, because I am too foggy to wrap my mind around it, and sometimes just cannot think of what to eat. At the same time, the energy it takes to prepare food is a whole other challenge. Mid-February I will have a greater idea of my food restrictions. For now, I already am supposed to avoid dairy, gluten and what was it... oh yeah, duh... sugar. I also avoid caffeine. It makes me have a very tense jaw and headaches.
Help making my hair look pretty, once in a while. I wore myself out yesterday evening when I stood in my bathroom and combed out my hair. That is just sad. I would be thrilled to go to Danielle 2-3 times a week for a wash and blowout, but every cent of $$ we can spare has to go to treatments. Also my feet are in sad shape, so thank God it's Winter at least.
Purging... I HAVE to get rid of stuff. I mentioned moving... that would mean a major downsizing. This is scary as I have wanted to go through and eliminate stuff, but just cannot do it physically. It would be nice to sell it, so we can pay for the medical stuff, but I just have to get it out of here.
Cleaning and organizing. I was getting a better grip on this for a while. Then not so much. Now it is pretty bad. Not only is this a poor environment for a family, it's extraordinarily difficult when you need to heal. The chaos is overwhelming and needs to go, and be transformed into order and beauty.
Childcare. I don't know what to say. My kids need attention and direction. I cannot give them what they deserve right now. Great, crying again. But this is one of the hardest things. :( I can't go on, even here, because I won't be able to see my typing. They deserve better...
I wish there was an organization that people would customize a schedule to assist volunteers with families in this type of need. Volunteers could come and do laundry, drive you to the doctor when you are too weak (this is hard for me right now), play with your kids doing crafts, feeding them, helping them clean up after themselves... do a little grocery shopping. Maybe create meals in your home, if they prefer, from your ingredients and menu plan... things an ill person cannot do for themselves.
I wish my car was clean. Heck, I wish I had the new tires I need and tuneup. But the car is just disgusting.
Sometimes I just need a friend to come, make tea, and talk to me like life is normal. Although it will be easier if I can make it downstairs... sitting in my bed all day isn't normal or fun.
I need lots and lots of prayer for me and my family. This is incredibly difficult for me, and it is also for them.
Well, I have pushed it too far, so I am done for now. Just the typing has made my arms more weary.
In closing I want to make my stance:
I SAY NO TO ILLNESS. I SAY NO TO MY LIFE BEING RIPPED OFF AND I DECLARE THAT JUSTICE WILL BE INTENSE AND COMPLETE AND WITH INTEREST. I DECLARE THAT MY FUTURE WILL BE MORE EXHILARATING THAN THE PAIN AND DIFFICULTY OF MY PAST AND JOURNEY THROUGH THIS. AND I DECLARE THAT GOD WILL HAVE THE GLORY AND PEOPLE WILL HAVE HOPE AND HEALING AS A RESULT OF WHAT I HAVE ENDURED.
So thank you YESHUA, lover of my soul, for giving yourself for my complete healing and restoration physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!
I am tired, and my eyesight is blurry. I need to sleep, but am having difficulty doing so. But I am forced to rest, as it is currently difficult to get to the bathroom and back.
I just took a little mental break and thought of some of the people who, well-intentioned but misguided, have cautioned me to not accept or claim illness. Well, I do neither, however, I would be a complete fool to disregard what I need to do on my part to walk out my wholeness. My body is currently in a state of disease. This is factual. Truth tells me I was made in God's image. Therefore, I should not be experiencing infirmity. However, I am in bed because my body lacks the strength to do much more right now. Every day I fight, not only a disease, but the mental attacks the enemy likes to employ to throw me. Sometimes I just don't know how I am going to do this. Well, mostly every moment that is factual. Still, I know I will beat this with my AWESOME Physician. He just happens to be my Father. I know that God did not intend for me to be ill. I know He has beautiful things for me and my future. I know, as well, that He takes the ugly things He never intended to have happen, and creates beauty. So He and I will together take this journey and use this ugly disease as a platform to proclaim TRUTH, HIS LOVE, and GOODNESS and the GOOD NEWS. Meanwhile, I sit here on my bed, lonely but not really up for company, and I cry. This is really, really hard. I may have to move for a couple reasons. One. because I have suspected a mold issue here for over a year, and if this is the case, treatments will not work well in an already compromised environment... and two, because of the money. We will need a lot more to do this, and I am not one who can do much to help now, financially. If I can find a way to make writing lucrative, I may be able to do something. So we will see. My energy levels require constant awareness so they don't get so low, it's even hard to regain balanced footing.
I am going to write a little wish list here... I need it in one place, and it's right here hounding me so here it goes.
My wish while I heal:
Help with meals, I am no help on this (thought I have sat and peeled potatoes and done little things, I am not even up to that right now) and Jim needs a break at least a couple times a week. Also, it would be great for me to have things made up so I will eat while he is working. I often just don't, because I am too foggy to wrap my mind around it, and sometimes just cannot think of what to eat. At the same time, the energy it takes to prepare food is a whole other challenge. Mid-February I will have a greater idea of my food restrictions. For now, I already am supposed to avoid dairy, gluten and what was it... oh yeah, duh... sugar. I also avoid caffeine. It makes me have a very tense jaw and headaches.
Help making my hair look pretty, once in a while. I wore myself out yesterday evening when I stood in my bathroom and combed out my hair. That is just sad. I would be thrilled to go to Danielle 2-3 times a week for a wash and blowout, but every cent of $$ we can spare has to go to treatments. Also my feet are in sad shape, so thank God it's Winter at least.
Purging... I HAVE to get rid of stuff. I mentioned moving... that would mean a major downsizing. This is scary as I have wanted to go through and eliminate stuff, but just cannot do it physically. It would be nice to sell it, so we can pay for the medical stuff, but I just have to get it out of here.
Cleaning and organizing. I was getting a better grip on this for a while. Then not so much. Now it is pretty bad. Not only is this a poor environment for a family, it's extraordinarily difficult when you need to heal. The chaos is overwhelming and needs to go, and be transformed into order and beauty.
Childcare. I don't know what to say. My kids need attention and direction. I cannot give them what they deserve right now. Great, crying again. But this is one of the hardest things. :( I can't go on, even here, because I won't be able to see my typing. They deserve better...
I wish there was an organization that people would customize a schedule to assist volunteers with families in this type of need. Volunteers could come and do laundry, drive you to the doctor when you are too weak (this is hard for me right now), play with your kids doing crafts, feeding them, helping them clean up after themselves... do a little grocery shopping. Maybe create meals in your home, if they prefer, from your ingredients and menu plan... things an ill person cannot do for themselves.
I wish my car was clean. Heck, I wish I had the new tires I need and tuneup. But the car is just disgusting.
Sometimes I just need a friend to come, make tea, and talk to me like life is normal. Although it will be easier if I can make it downstairs... sitting in my bed all day isn't normal or fun.
I need lots and lots of prayer for me and my family. This is incredibly difficult for me, and it is also for them.
Well, I have pushed it too far, so I am done for now. Just the typing has made my arms more weary.
In closing I want to make my stance:
I SAY NO TO ILLNESS. I SAY NO TO MY LIFE BEING RIPPED OFF AND I DECLARE THAT JUSTICE WILL BE INTENSE AND COMPLETE AND WITH INTEREST. I DECLARE THAT MY FUTURE WILL BE MORE EXHILARATING THAN THE PAIN AND DIFFICULTY OF MY PAST AND JOURNEY THROUGH THIS. AND I DECLARE THAT GOD WILL HAVE THE GLORY AND PEOPLE WILL HAVE HOPE AND HEALING AS A RESULT OF WHAT I HAVE ENDURED.
So thank you YESHUA, lover of my soul, for giving yourself for my complete healing and restoration physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!
The results of a breakdown...
Oh boy, so last night was a toughie. This is, truly, and understatement. Last night brought the craziness of the day that I so needed to get beyond, to a miserable, out of control conclusion.
(Side note: Beef Barley Soup makes me feel good... I will have to keep stock of that on hand. Hmmm... wait, is there gluten in that? I will have to check.)
I found myself so physically weak that I was really unable to deal properly with the children. Abby had been home sick for days, mostly needing sleep to recover (that bug was harsh!) and I was not getting the sleep myself. So she did help once she woke up.
***it's now Sunday... I took a nap and didn't finish the story. Now I don't feel like it. I probably will later, but have other thoughts on my mind. So that is what I will write about today.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Ack, my blog carries the title I meant for my first post... sigh.
I always feel afraid that if I do things that I need to do for me, it
will hurt other people. Their feelings will be hurt, they won't
understand, maybe they need a hug, for me to talk to them, and so I do
it for everyone else. But I can't I have to do what they need for me
now. I don't think ever get better any other way.
I don't know what to do. I feel angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc. Other people think this is hard. I'm LIVING in this body. It's been a struggle for so long. My body's been attacked from the inside. Then it's been attacked from the outside by "looking" normal and not disclosing what was really going on. To much of the outside world, I appeared "normal" if not a poor housekeeper, homebody and sorta lazy, unmotivated person. Sometimes that part was worse. Some friends and family, likely most, bought into that, at least initially. Isn't it so easy to judge something we don't understand? Isn't it easier to judge or explain something away and than negate any personal responsibility or obligation that we may take on or feel thrust upon us? We could easily argue that it isn't our job, we shouldn't have to feel like it is up to us to step in... especially when the individual doesn't appear to care themselves, in our overly knowing, self estimated opinion and perspective? Yet another reason why we die, our flesh, daily and step more fully into the Spirit so we can commune with our Father and see as He does. I don't know why so many didn't believe me. I felt my character should speak for itself, but apparently, your actions, or lack thereof, can significantly impact what people could absorb in the spirit. I really hope this has taught me better than to do that. I really do.
Today I wonder if I should tell people how desperately I need help and ask if there is anything they can do to help my family. I have helped a lot of people when they have had need financially, emotionally, physically (childcare, moving, cleaning, encouraging, listening, etc.) so maybe I have sown into something for such a time as this? What does a person dealing with a chronic illness need? I think I will just list what I feel need of right now and see if it takes some tension with the unloading here, on a blog that maybe nobody else will ever see. Maybe nobody will want to. But I would wager that not only will I develop skill as I make this a habit I have considered and desired for a very long time, but it will feel good to get it all out. Or at least some of it. Before I do that, I am going to digress....
Did I ever tell you that I love to write and feel that books are in my future? Yup. I told myself... but maybe YOU aren't ME. Maybe something I have to say here will be read by someone else and be something they need to hear, whether they deal with chronic illness, a family member or friend does, maybe spouse... or they have a child with a dx of Autism, or something related...
Okay, back on track. See, that is so nice. This is MY writing, so I do what I want and I don't have to be concerned with people feel left out or offended, or anything. You don't like it? TOO BAD, DON'T READ IT THEN! HAHA! SO THERE! Oh, well, that felt good. You are lucky I didn't swear, because today I threw out a couple doozies, and that is just not what I do. Oh look at that... I changed the font size to big because lately my eyesight has been blurry, especially in the evenings, and forced it to become HELVETICA! Oh, she said hel...vetica. Look at me, I am good for something after all, self humoring. Good for me. hahaha
Yes, I can see this is something I will have to do regularly. This feels good. Plus I am listening to Bethel Worship on my iPhone. Love it. And love that the kids are asleep. YAY! If I had the means, I would put Avalei in half days preK/daycare. She LOVES school, and it would enable me to rest, and recover better. I never thought I would do that, but I never knew I would keep getting sicker and that it really wasn't just me have inner head issues, or something. I am so grateful that something is legitimately wrong, and also starting to actually get angry (I thought I would get here eventually, but this is fast... accelerated by a stomach virus that took the few days I might have been able to vacuum and sweep, do a load of laundry or something, and make them about nearly passing out and praying I could stumble to the bathroom and back to bed without something bad happening... things people take for granted regularly) about the injustice of it. I have not had the chance to really absorb this like I have needed to. I have a 2.5 year old who is just on one, all day, every day. My goodness, this is hard! This stuff is hard anyway, I know... you all have (mostly) been through this yourselves, but I have the lovely additional challenges that just take it a step further. One thing I have that many do not have the same, (no offense intended, if you get offended, pray about it so you don't get stuck there) is a strength that has got me this far. Sometimes it feels like it has gone dormant, but I don't revel in the luxury of feeling pitiful or pathetic. I find myself pulling myself out of the rut (I bet if I look behind me, I would find supernatural assistance) I fell into that snuck up before me. Part of me gets irritated because my situation actually easily warrants the feelings of frustration, anger, fear, etc, that I have felt. But who really wants to dwell there? You know, just a thought that I feel like writing down... I know people judged me. I am no idiot. I could FEEL it. It was PAINFUL. It hurt as much as the awful physical pain does. An apology doesn't require an explanation, but it is healing. I forgive those for doing what comes often so naturally... but I welcome those who feel that they should apologize to do so without feeling badly or like I will be unkind about it. If that is you, it would mean a lot to me if you are sorry, that you tell me. Maybe I am done for now. I think I drank too much Vitamin Water to continue sitting here. haha
This rambling will do for now. I do feel a bit better... not sure if it is because kids are asleep, or writing, or both. Don't care. Just glad.
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