Sometimes...

...I just feel sad and cry. This is one of those times. I don't know why, but I've learned that if that's how I'm feeling I need to respond by allowing myself to just cry it out. It's typically inconvenient, and not when I really have time I want to spend crying curled up in a ball on my bed. I don't know if it's because I have difficulty completing a task like cleaning my kitchen with help, because I'm seriously overtired with not nearly enough sleep, or possibly grieving the items that I used in love and no longer own. There's also a very neat cleansing and fresh start here, but this process is very difficult. The good things about it don't escape me. That doesn't make it easier though. Or maybe it does, and it would be even that much more difficult otherwise. I don't know, but I do know that this is very hard. I also know that on the other side, things will be very, very, very good. Day by day I take it, just doing my very best to keep my focus and perspective, and help my family through this difficult time. Today I have the blessing and benefit of having my mom over. I wish I'd had more rest so we could enjoy our time together better. I also wish that Jim didn't have to be running a garage sale, so that maybe he could spend some time with the kids and I could have some time with my mom by myself. It seems that the yard sale is a bit fruitless, and he has sold very little. I have large furniture items that I really hate to just donate, because I can really use the money, and because I love them. They is your items I was really excited to get and really hoped to have for a long time. I made the purchases accordingly, items that would last as they are well made. They're very pretty and they make me happy to look at them. But it's time for change, and I have to let it go. I suppose we could donate them, but there are so many things we actually need here. Items such as a broom, dustpan, toilet plunger, and sufficient seating in the living room, dining room furniture, and much more. I really, really want curtains, as the ones I got for my birthday last year were stolen along with the hardware to hang with them. Some people. I want to make this look like a home and not a bachelor pad. You know the kind of bachelor I'm talking about. Their beds are up on milk crates, they don't have anything hanging over the windows except maybe a blanket or a sheet, and there's nothing hanging on the walls with the exception of some random poster, maybe. I want my home to feel like a home for me and my kids and my husband. I really could use something like a coffee table, some shelving, and it would be cool to get something for the balcony so we could utilize it better. There are all kinds of things that we really need, but I don't want to be excessive. We didn't just go through all of this to end up in the same boat again. But there are things that we need and would make life much more accommodating and simple for us. Right now were scrambling to get things in some sort of orderly fashion, without the necessary tools to do so. It is hard to make meals and things like that without the proper kitchen items. I really need some flour, some other staple items, I'd really like kitchen map, and a welcome mat, and just basic stuff like that. And I have no idea where my hangers are. If I even have any anymore… and we all could use some books, as we were unable to bring any with us. Mold spores hide in paper, so keeping them would not be a good option for us. But we are big book lovers, and I would love to have some books to read in those moments where I want to be up and cleaning and "nesting" in the new place, but I'm too tired and I need to stop and behave myself by taking care of my energy levels. I cannot truly convey how frustrating it can be when you have a task you are working on, that should not be a big deal for most people, and I have to stop because my energy levels have depleted and I'm in the danger zone of becoming ill because I've overdone it that fast. I so badly want to clean my mirrors, my floors, and finish my kitchen. I have paper I want to put down on the shelves before put things on it however I needed to put things away so I need to remove the items and put the paper on the shelves. I want it to be nice, I want it to be clean, and I want it to be mine. I want to kind of own this place while we're here, and embrace it as home as long as the Lord has us here.
However, I find it hard to feel settled when it is so bare and without any character. I wonder where my things are, and what I actually have left. I hesitate trying to figure out how to buy more items, when I may have them here somewhere. I don't know, soon we should have this kind of together. I sure hope so.

Anyway, I better get going. My mom is here after all, and we have some things to do. For today I'm praying for strength so that we can accomplish things that we have set out to do, and have some fun at the same time.

Since I have the opportunity to regroup a little bit, I hope that this really helps. I finally get to eat now after my supplement time frames have passed, and I have been awake since before seven unfortunately, so I'm pretty hungry as it's almost 11 AM. So I guess I'll talk to mom about what we should do for food, get dressed, and go from there. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and enjoy this beautiful sunshine. Unless you don't have sunshine where you are, and I hope you just enjoy yourself regardless. We have sunshine, and I hear birds singing. I'm so grateful that this apartment complex has trees and birds, and backs up to the creek. My big goal is to get to the place where I can take a walk along the creek on the path, and actually be able to do it without being worried about my energy levels being insufficient. My strength is very limited right now, so I do hesitate doing that at this time. However I really, really, really want to see what it looks like back there. I love taking walks, and I know I will enjoy that when I'm able to do so. Meanwhile I will do the very best I can with what I have to work with, and I hope that you will do the same. Don't take today for granted, don't take your health and your strength for granted, please do your best to see clearly what you have before you, the things that are so good, so positive, and such blessings in your life. Please enjoy and do the things that I can't do, but you might hesitate to do for silly reasons maybe, go do them and have fun. Accomplish the things you want to accomplish because you can, be true to who you are and embrace all the good things about you in the future that God has for you. Even in my condition right now, this is what I try to do. I really do my best, and so my best it is sufficient, it is good enough. And so is yours. Don't let any circumstances take that away from you, if you were doing your best, you are doing enough. But don't settle for mediocrity, please always do your best. And then you have no regrets. I don't have regrets as I've been doing my best, I wish I could do more, but I'm also doing my best in that regard as well. This is all anyone can ever ask of an individual. So make it your best day, and this doesn't mean not giving yourself a chance to take break, relax and just enjoy being you and being with your loved ones. That's part of being your best and it's important. Thank you for reading my blog, I appreciate your support your prayers and your love. I would also love it if you would leave a comment, as then I know this following along and supporting me this way. You can also subscribe to my blog, and junket updates. You just come through very tough time so I imagine we'll have a lot of good things to say. Oh and by the way, this treatment I'm on seems to be working pretty well. I am increasing in my endurance though most people wouldn't recognize that because it's so vastly different than normal for other people. But I can see the changes and that's really good.

Okay I better eat, I am hungry!

Bless you all... Jen <3