Something happened today that I wanted to share. But I forgot what it was. heh... OH! I just remembered... must be worth mentioning. ;)
Not too long ago, a couple weeks at most, I would say... I came across this story on a website I found. The website is called "But you don't look sick" and I was intrigued because I don't "look" sick when I am able to dress properly, fix my hair and makeup and if I throw on a smile. I could often fool you. But not always... sometimes I am so stiff and in pain, I find myself shuffling around as an elderly person one. And I mean ELDERLY, not just mature or older. There is a difference. Anyway, I found the perfect way to describe what life is when chronically ill. Now my body has been struggling with sickness, and I sometimes have a hard time with this, because even though I have felt like I have to prove or convince people I have not been well, I don't "see" myself as infirm. I mean who I really am is not ill. Who I really am is a kick butt, lioness princess warrior. She has been fighting to emerge, and watch out as it happens, because this cocoon will be busted through and I am in the process of emerging as an incredibly beautiful, rare butterfly... with translucent wings of POWER and STRENGTH. Plus I glow in the dark. Cool, huh? :D Don't be jealous... I had to go through a helluvah lot to earn that. haha Okay, so check it out:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/
I felt like crying today because I started my day with the handle of a spoon. *lopsided grin* What, you don't know what I mean? The link wasn't a suggestion, it was to make sense of everything else I am saying. If you don't know the spoon theory, you won't have a clue what I am talking about. Erg... so stop, go back and read the story already. I mean, pwwweeaaase. ;) It really is beautifully written. And so true.
So my Uncle is visiting. I capitalized so you understand how important he is. hehe... the little kids are referring to him simply as uncle. Avalei, at 2.5, is a bit confused and since she sees my brother Pete (elder of my younger two brothers) most, thinks that if he is uncle, he is Uncle Pete. So she often calls him Uncle Pete. He prefers Uncle Max. haha... it is rather funny. My uncle and I, along with Avalei and Jim (who came from work to join us) had a late breakfast, slightly early lunch. Oh fine, we went to "brunch" at Lumberjacks. Really. That is why is sounds ridiculous to say brunch. How many lumberjacks you know who do "brunch"? Yeah, sure. :P Well, afterward, I was just pooped. It was a chore to get there and I was fighting to remain alert. I mean, who else is going to drop everything and raise my 2 year old while I recover? If there were such a person, I know I could recover faster because I could get the proper rest, but I don't know of anyway. (Although I do have some lovely people who help out as they can... thank you who do and who pray. Both are SOOOO needed.) I tell Uncle, "I am so tired..." He asks if I am out of spoons already... I say I think I only started the day with a handle. Normally I at least have several, though everything costs quite a lot, in the spoon department. He reaches over, and grabs his unused spoon off the table. "Here, have my spoon. It hasn't even been used yet." I laugh as he smiles and know that if he literally could give me one of his life spoons, he likely would. He is just like that. He has a lot of heart. And although he doesn't intimate how he feels often, and hardly at all if you mean literally, I know he loves me. A whole bunch. And I love him too. It's easier because I understand him. I don't always understand why he thinks how he does, but pretty much I understand his perspective and the why of it. For this reason, I can overlook things that others would not see past. But I digress. I was driving home, a thing I do not take for granted as it is more challenging to me now than it used to be... temporary, I am sure.... (how long, no clue) Avalei was yawning and I knew if I continued to drive a bit extra, she would pass out. I could go home, take her from the car, and tuck her in. Then I could take a nap for an hour or so, and regain some strength. Or not. Actually, only not. I cannot carry her anymore. My legs are so weak, I am concerned with just getting myself around, much less the fight I would have with her to carry her. Today I dropped a medium iced tea (weren't these the old larges?.. I would have said SMALL!... what is wrong with our overinflated indulgences type of society??!!... another time, another blog) because my strength was not fully intact and my wrist gave out, so I dropped it. On the floor. In my car. Oh joy. OH PRAISE! The lid stayed on! I only had minimal iced tea to mop up. Phew.
I hope I never take for granted the ability to stand, to walk, to carry my little toddler (well, she is big for a toddler), to drive, to make choices most people don't have to think about. I hope I don't lose my perspective. I want to have so much good come from the pain, from the difficulty, and want to have it be a challenge that changed me into a woman of compassion, of grace, of strength (regardless of physical ability!), of strong character, of understanding, of love, of mercy, of beauty, of the nonjudgmental persuasion, and so on. Let it not be for naught. Let me have become so much through the trials, pain and confusion, that as I come through the other side, the enemy gets SCARED! He should be. I intend to make him pay by being ALL GOD CALLED ME TO BE. That can be scary, because it is BIG. But have you seen my GOD? Is there anything, anyone, any problem, any ANYTHING BIGGER? Nope. So it's all good.
Time for my renewing of the mind with my word... Bible in, garbage out... haha. Feel free to comment. Unless you don't have nice things to say, and then "away with you". I have enough that could be perceived negatively without allowing people access to add to the challenge. But anything else is fine... you know, within reason people! Come on, you had to go there... hahaha... I am just fooling around. Because I can. And because this is basically my diary and I do what I want. For my own therapy, amusement, pleasure and fun. Or whatever.
Hasta la vista. Until the next time I have something spilling from my fingertips, writing whatever I feel like without apology... Jen
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