I always feel afraid that if I do things that I need to do for me, it
will hurt other people. Their feelings will be hurt, they won't
understand, maybe they need a hug, for me to talk to them, and so I do
it for everyone else. But I can't I have to do what they need for me
now. I don't think ever get better any other way.
I don't know what to do. I feel angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc. Other people think this is hard. I'm LIVING in this body. It's been a struggle for so long. My body's been attacked from the inside. Then it's been attacked from the outside by "looking" normal and not disclosing what was really going on. To much of the outside world, I appeared "normal" if not a poor housekeeper, homebody and sorta lazy, unmotivated person. Sometimes that part was worse. Some friends and family, likely most, bought into that, at least initially. Isn't it so easy to judge something we don't understand? Isn't it easier to judge or explain something away and than negate any personal responsibility or obligation that we may take on or feel thrust upon us? We could easily argue that it isn't our job, we shouldn't have to feel like it is up to us to step in... especially when the individual doesn't appear to care themselves, in our overly knowing, self estimated opinion and perspective? Yet another reason why we die, our flesh, daily and step more fully into the Spirit so we can commune with our Father and see as He does. I don't know why so many didn't believe me. I felt my character should speak for itself, but apparently, your actions, or lack thereof, can significantly impact what people could absorb in the spirit. I really hope this has taught me better than to do that. I really do.
Today I wonder if I should tell people how desperately I need help and ask if there is anything they can do to help my family. I have helped a lot of people when they have had need financially, emotionally, physically (childcare, moving, cleaning, encouraging, listening, etc.) so maybe I have sown into something for such a time as this? What does a person dealing with a chronic illness need? I think I will just list what I feel need of right now and see if it takes some tension with the unloading here, on a blog that maybe nobody else will ever see. Maybe nobody will want to. But I would wager that not only will I develop skill as I make this a habit I have considered and desired for a very long time, but it will feel good to get it all out. Or at least some of it. Before I do that, I am going to digress....
Did I ever tell you that I love to write and feel that books are in my future? Yup. I told myself... but maybe YOU aren't ME. Maybe something I have to say here will be read by someone else and be something they need to hear, whether they deal with chronic illness, a family member or friend does, maybe spouse... or they have a child with a dx of Autism, or something related...
Okay, back on track. See, that is so nice. This is MY writing, so I do what I want and I don't have to be concerned with people feel left out or offended, or anything. You don't like it? TOO BAD, DON'T READ IT THEN! HAHA! SO THERE! Oh, well, that felt good. You are lucky I didn't swear, because today I threw out a couple doozies, and that is just not what I do. Oh look at that... I changed the font size to big because lately my eyesight has been blurry, especially in the evenings, and forced it to become HELVETICA! Oh, she said hel...vetica. Look at me, I am good for something after all, self humoring. Good for me. hahaha
Yes, I can see this is something I will have to do regularly. This feels good. Plus I am listening to Bethel Worship on my iPhone. Love it. And love that the kids are asleep. YAY! If I had the means, I would put Avalei in half days preK/daycare. She LOVES school, and it would enable me to rest, and recover better. I never thought I would do that, but I never knew I would keep getting sicker and that it really wasn't just me have inner head issues, or something. I am so grateful that something is legitimately wrong, and also starting to actually get angry (I thought I would get here eventually, but this is fast... accelerated by a stomach virus that took the few days I might have been able to vacuum and sweep, do a load of laundry or something, and make them about nearly passing out and praying I could stumble to the bathroom and back to bed without something bad happening... things people take for granted regularly) about the injustice of it. I have not had the chance to really absorb this like I have needed to. I have a 2.5 year old who is just on one, all day, every day. My goodness, this is hard! This stuff is hard anyway, I know... you all have (mostly) been through this yourselves, but I have the lovely additional challenges that just take it a step further. One thing I have that many do not have the same, (no offense intended, if you get offended, pray about it so you don't get stuck there) is a strength that has got me this far. Sometimes it feels like it has gone dormant, but I don't revel in the luxury of feeling pitiful or pathetic. I find myself pulling myself out of the rut (I bet if I look behind me, I would find supernatural assistance) I fell into that snuck up before me. Part of me gets irritated because my situation actually easily warrants the feelings of frustration, anger, fear, etc, that I have felt. But who really wants to dwell there? You know, just a thought that I feel like writing down... I know people judged me. I am no idiot. I could FEEL it. It was PAINFUL. It hurt as much as the awful physical pain does. An apology doesn't require an explanation, but it is healing. I forgive those for doing what comes often so naturally... but I welcome those who feel that they should apologize to do so without feeling badly or like I will be unkind about it. If that is you, it would mean a lot to me if you are sorry, that you tell me. Maybe I am done for now. I think I drank too much Vitamin Water to continue sitting here. haha
This rambling will do for now. I do feel a bit better... not sure if it is because kids are asleep, or writing, or both. Don't care. Just glad.
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