Curse you Lyme Disease and co-infections for ripping away half of my life I would have lived more fully. You suck. Die. And stay away from me and my family, friends, and even our future pets! You can't have me anymore! So no matter what it takes, and I know it's not likely to be at all easy, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU DEAD. YOU CANNOT HAVE ME, OR MY LOVED ONES! SO DIE!!!
I am tired, and my eyesight is blurry. I need to sleep, but am having difficulty doing so. But I am forced to rest, as it is currently difficult to get to the bathroom and back.
I just took a little mental break and thought of some of the people who, well-intentioned but misguided, have cautioned me to not accept or claim illness. Well, I do neither, however, I would be a complete fool to disregard what I need to do on my part to walk out my wholeness. My body is currently in a state of disease. This is factual. Truth tells me I was made in God's image. Therefore, I should not be experiencing infirmity. However, I am in bed because my body lacks the strength to do much more right now. Every day I fight, not only a disease, but the mental attacks the enemy likes to employ to throw me. Sometimes I just don't know how I am going to do this. Well, mostly every moment that is factual. Still, I know I will beat this with my AWESOME Physician. He just happens to be my Father. I know that God did not intend for me to be ill. I know He has beautiful things for me and my future. I know, as well, that He takes the ugly things He never intended to have happen, and creates beauty. So He and I will together take this journey and use this ugly disease as a platform to proclaim TRUTH, HIS LOVE, and GOODNESS and the GOOD NEWS. Meanwhile, I sit here on my bed, lonely but not really up for company, and I cry. This is really, really hard. I may have to move for a couple reasons. One. because I have suspected a mold issue here for over a year, and if this is the case, treatments will not work well in an already compromised environment... and two, because of the money. We will need a lot more to do this, and I am not one who can do much to help now, financially. If I can find a way to make writing lucrative, I may be able to do something. So we will see. My energy levels require constant awareness so they don't get so low, it's even hard to regain balanced footing.
I am going to write a little wish list here... I need it in one place, and it's right here hounding me so here it goes.
My wish while I heal:
Help with meals, I am no help on this (thought I have sat and peeled potatoes and done little things, I am not even up to that right now) and Jim needs a break at least a couple times a week. Also, it would be great for me to have things made up so I will eat while he is working. I often just don't, because I am too foggy to wrap my mind around it, and sometimes just cannot think of what to eat. At the same time, the energy it takes to prepare food is a whole other challenge. Mid-February I will have a greater idea of my food restrictions. For now, I already am supposed to avoid dairy, gluten and what was it... oh yeah, duh... sugar. I also avoid caffeine. It makes me have a very tense jaw and headaches.
Help making my hair look pretty, once in a while. I wore myself out yesterday evening when I stood in my bathroom and combed out my hair. That is just sad. I would be thrilled to go to Danielle 2-3 times a week for a wash and blowout, but every cent of $$ we can spare has to go to treatments. Also my feet are in sad shape, so thank God it's Winter at least.
Purging... I HAVE to get rid of stuff. I mentioned moving... that would mean a major downsizing. This is scary as I have wanted to go through and eliminate stuff, but just cannot do it physically. It would be nice to sell it, so we can pay for the medical stuff, but I just have to get it out of here.
Cleaning and organizing. I was getting a better grip on this for a while. Then not so much. Now it is pretty bad. Not only is this a poor environment for a family, it's extraordinarily difficult when you need to heal. The chaos is overwhelming and needs to go, and be transformed into order and beauty.
Childcare. I don't know what to say. My kids need attention and direction. I cannot give them what they deserve right now. Great, crying again. But this is one of the hardest things. :( I can't go on, even here, because I won't be able to see my typing. They deserve better...
I wish there was an organization that people would customize a schedule to assist volunteers with families in this type of need. Volunteers could come and do laundry, drive you to the doctor when you are too weak (this is hard for me right now), play with your kids doing crafts, feeding them, helping them clean up after themselves... do a little grocery shopping. Maybe create meals in your home, if they prefer, from your ingredients and menu plan... things an ill person cannot do for themselves.
I wish my car was clean. Heck, I wish I had the new tires I need and tuneup. But the car is just disgusting.
Sometimes I just need a friend to come, make tea, and talk to me like life is normal. Although it will be easier if I can make it downstairs... sitting in my bed all day isn't normal or fun.
I need lots and lots of prayer for me and my family. This is incredibly difficult for me, and it is also for them.
Well, I have pushed it too far, so I am done for now. Just the typing has made my arms more weary.
In closing I want to make my stance:
I SAY NO TO ILLNESS. I SAY NO TO MY LIFE BEING RIPPED OFF AND I DECLARE THAT JUSTICE WILL BE INTENSE AND COMPLETE AND WITH INTEREST. I DECLARE THAT MY FUTURE WILL BE MORE EXHILARATING THAN THE PAIN AND DIFFICULTY OF MY PAST AND JOURNEY THROUGH THIS. AND I DECLARE THAT GOD WILL HAVE THE GLORY AND PEOPLE WILL HAVE HOPE AND HEALING AS A RESULT OF WHAT I HAVE ENDURED.
So thank you YESHUA, lover of my soul, for giving yourself for my complete healing and restoration physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!
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