Wednesday, December 26, 2012

An update is long overdue

I don't write as often as I would like to, because it does take a tremendous amount of effort. I have been concerning my energy to do many of the different activities I have been doing lately, and focusing on just getting them done. This is good in many ways, but at times not so good, as I am focused on the final outcome and don't always allow myself the time I need to rest. However, if I did things based on how I felt, I would never get anything done. So I plug away, doing my very best, and then it hits me. The wall of fatigue, and tears, and the overall general weakness in my body. Right now I'm in tears, just because I'm so exhausted. Have I enjoyed the things I've been doing? Yes. But sometimes I wonder what it costs me.
Still, maybe it would cost me more if I didn't engage in these other activities. I have to focus on things outside of myself, outside of illness, outside of how hopeless and disappointed I feel at times. I have to focus on the positive things, the possibilities, and the promises. Yesterday my mom was asking me questions about treatments, and how you can heal from lime disease. I answered her, knowing she needed to know the answers, and having he wanted to talk to her about it before. But at the same time I didn't want to talk about it. Because it brought home again, how challenging this diseases, how hard it is, how costly it is, and how devastating it is to have to contend with this on a daily basis. Right now, instead of laying down and taking a nap, I really want to organize some things in the house. I want to clean, go buy a new broom - since mine broke, and vegetable peeler - since mine disappeared, and some other things that have been on my mind. To have the vision, and lack the physical capability, is very frustrating. I watch other people who, with veritable ease, handle their household things without a second thought.

I had this in a draft and will post it. Then I will do something different... stay tuned.