Sometimes hurt can provoke growth... it has for me.

A couple weeks ago my feeling were hurt by a couple people who don't know me well enough to know my real character.  It showed me another area I needed to grow in.  Not everyone will agree with me, or understand what and why I do things.  They won't always know the big picture, and sometimes they won't care either, actually.  I am not saying all this is the case with these individuals.  Although I did not like their approach, nor what they had to say (to completely different situations, just hit me all at the same time) and disagreed with them, they were not coming from a place of unkindness, nor do I believe their intent was coming from an ugly place.  The thing is, we are always going to encounter people and situations that make us upset, or rock our little worlds.  How will we handle them?  In the new direction I am going in professionally, one that was not intended but that I find I totally love, these situations showed me a couple things I needed to do to cover myself and make sure the people I am working with are well taken care of.  If what I am doing does not benefit the people I work with and for, then I am not interested in doing it.  Those of you who already know me, know that.  You know my intentions and desire to help.  Some of you are aware of my great desire to help others in business for themselves be as successful as they can possibly be, in keeping with their personal goals and dreams, of course.  As I grow, and heal too, I will be more exposed to more people.  Often people like me just fine, but there will be those that do not, or dislike my methods, or whatever.  Maybe they won't like my hair, or my voice, or something that is pretty insignificant overall.  Bottom line, I cannot allow those things to deter me.  I had that overwhelming feeling of wanting to just forget doing what I am doing, and realized that meant I was on the right course.  I implemented some new tools, as I realize what I am doing is taking off and creating relationship building and networking opportunities.  In addition, since I am getting a handle on how to charge for things, and getting minor kinks worked out... plus experience creates a greater ease, now I can incorporate fundraising into my little model here.  I can raise funds for causes that are important to me.  I can fuel connections within communities of commonality.  This is exciting!  In addition, I just read how loneliness damages your immune system.  With the Lyme disease stuff, I was too sick to have the regular people contact I need.  People often forget to make the effort to stay in touch... kind of an out of sight, out of mind sort of thing.  Often, they figure you are not well enough to have a little visit.  However, when everyone thinks that, you feel very alone.  This activity of mine is helping me connect with people, and find people who are like minded.  I am finding some really high caliber people I am blessed to associate with.  A win-win where we share different things with one another and learn from each other.  I feel very blessed.  I am interested in and excited to see what evolves as I win this lyme fight.  Even if under scrutiny, even when unfair situations come about, I am going to keep going.  Injustice makes me angry, but I will choose to allow myself to be angry about the situation, and keep that separate from the individual.  However, I will be very careful to disallow them from repeating the offense.  I do things and give of myself with all my heart... I don't hold back, don't have reserves, and put others before myself.  I have learned that does not mean I should not protect myself, as this is best for me and my family, but I choose not to be motivated by selfish desires.  When they rear up, I ignore them and make choices on what is good for those around me as long as it does not interfere with my personal integrity.  I think this is a good place to operate from.  Don't let situations (I am not going to say people, as I have chosen to believe that most people have good intentions and would not often choose to be hurtful or cause a situation that would make you feel badly) throw you off track.  Take what you can learn from them, if anything, and forge ahead.  Even if someone were deliberately trying to hurt or derail you, letting them do so is not the solution.  The people who need what you have to offer them won't go away just because you let go of your dream and focus... they will still be there needing what you have.  Put your ego and pride aside, or your hurt feelings, whatever it is... and focus forward.  Put your best out there all the time, but take care of yourself too.  I can look at those situations, made even harder because I really liked those people, and not feel the pang I felt when they happened.  This is huge for me, as it used to be more difficult.  Now on the flip side, what if you were a person who caused a painful situation, how could you make things better?  How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?  Maybe you really think someone else is wrong about something, or you don't like how they do things... consider taking the high road.  We are not the character police and should lay aside judgements.  We usually do not know what other people are going through or contending with.  And we all have differente experiences and personalities.  Let us take these things into consideration when we make the decisions we do.

Blessings to you all. :)  Jen

What creates value?

I am in awe of God's magnificence... HOW does He do what He does? I cannot fathom His Brilliance! He's absolutely Beautiful.

I began to think about what makes things valuable. My Father holds me in high regard. He sees me as extraordinarily and infinitely valuable.

So, I started to think about what gives things value. First, we think about the materials. What is it made of? What are WE made of? Dust of the earth, yeah... but He created us from scratch, and then breathed LIFE into us. From His lungs, He gave us life. From His heart, He created mankind. That's amazing.

Second, rarity, uniqueness, something nothing else is like. Our very DNA is unique to us. Nobody is like you. Nobody is like me. We are each ONE OF A KIND. Talk about a limited edition. ONLY ONE. Suddenly we see the value skyrocketing...

Third, what service can a particular item provide? We are all hand crafted, uniquely designed to serve a purpose that NOT ONE OTHER CAN. Some people carry similar giftings, or maybe some have a purpose, or calling, that can complement another, but not one is alike fully. That means nobody can replace you, and now you see your value is even greater.

Fourth, an emotional, or love attachment. Something contains sentimental value, or a person is dearly beloved, regardless of anyone's perceived faults. His love for you, the depths of the ocean cannot match. It is complete, and lacking nothing.

A year ago, we lost the majority of our belongings, and I was unable to do anything about it. A dress I'd worn as flower girl, in two weddings, and made by my mother... just the right size for my youngest, gone. If someone found it and offered it to me, though the value in a store would be $10-15, or so... I'd pay far more.

So fifth, is it replaceable... no? Higher value.

And sixth... what would you give for it, to keep or obtain it.

One more, number seven... appearance. Everybody appreciates things of beauty. Well, you were made in the image or likeness of God, and you were fearfully and wonderfully made. That's what makes you beautiful. (<---- you're welcome Abby... inside joke, tee hee)

You can see how your value is suddenly undefinable. You are irreplaceable. You are one of a kind. You are priceless, and in the efforts to secure YOU, God gave up His Son. His life, as recompense for yours. Nobody can do what you were created to do. Nobody can touch who YOU can touch. You were not a mistake or an accident. You were made for right here, right now, this very moment and moments to come. There is nobody, nor was, nor will be, who can take your place. Ever.

What do you intend to do with that? LIVE. To the fullest. Face every fear, and in doing so, disable it. Speak truth. Share joy. Choose hope. And most of all, show love. Truly represent the material you were crafted with. Your Father's heart, and very breath.

You hold infinite value. Honor who you are. The things that make you special. The things you can do, like nobody else can. Don't apologize for it! Embrace it, and celebrate it. Appreciate the beauty you carry in you.

In doing so, you will show how you value your Creator, by valuing His creation.

:) Have a wonderful day!


Ps, I just realized that a year ago, today, I started my blog. Wow... when I did, I was in a very difficult place. It hasn't been a fast process, but wow! I've come a long way! :)

Enough is enough

So, I've been afraid to focus on the good things, especially when I feel I've had a stall in progress. But even maintaining any improvement is a gain! Plus I need to get back into healthy treatment and focus. So here it is. I will kick this bugger in the arse by posting the good things, even if I am afraid that people will think I'm all the way better, capable of more, or whatever the fear is. I've got to disengage from the fear of what would happen if I "ignore" the disease stuff, and instead focus on what is better. I've struggled with this balance... it has been off-balance and unsure of how I manage it. Today I was in my class (via phone) with Gary Blier of Advanced Cell Training. Gary is very blunt and tackles what he sees you dealing with, head on. Thing is, even if it is painful, he's so spot on. You can't get away with anything. ;) But I am not in this class to stay stuck. This has been a long time issue. I don't know how to overcome it, really. I'll seek God, of course (duh, lol). But this process? Don't know how to manage it. Ack.

My request to anyone ready this is to pray for us still. Pray that I will rise above the fear, any loneliness and judgement, and focus on exactly what I need to so I can break through this. I don't want to associate myself with pain and exhaustion, but because it is so in my face, I do! I have to break through this. Please support me in this, and encourage me... I need help to keep my focus.

Shoot, I hear a very unhappy 8 year old... what now? School resumes on Monday... HALLELUJAH!!!! They need more stuff to do away from each other. These young ones fight too much! Sheesh.

Okay, breakfast and talking Audrey down. Getting dressed and ready, then to Petaluma to meet my dad, and Novato to go to their building and permits office, and then back home and need to design marketing materials for my upcoming February event.

I may try for a nap in there, but probably that won't work.

Anywho... My name is Jen. I am a daughter of the most high God. I am not Lyme disease and it does not own me. I am a princess warrior. Guess who wins?! ;)

An update is long overdue

I don't write as often as I would like to, because it does take a tremendous amount of effort. I have been concerning my energy to do many of the different activities I have been doing lately, and focusing on just getting them done. This is good in many ways, but at times not so good, as I am focused on the final outcome and don't always allow myself the time I need to rest. However, if I did things based on how I felt, I would never get anything done. So I plug away, doing my very best, and then it hits me. The wall of fatigue, and tears, and the overall general weakness in my body. Right now I'm in tears, just because I'm so exhausted. Have I enjoyed the things I've been doing? Yes. But sometimes I wonder what it costs me.
Still, maybe it would cost me more if I didn't engage in these other activities. I have to focus on things outside of myself, outside of illness, outside of how hopeless and disappointed I feel at times. I have to focus on the positive things, the possibilities, and the promises. Yesterday my mom was asking me questions about treatments, and how you can heal from lime disease. I answered her, knowing she needed to know the answers, and having he wanted to talk to her about it before. But at the same time I didn't want to talk about it. Because it brought home again, how challenging this diseases, how hard it is, how costly it is, and how devastating it is to have to contend with this on a daily basis. Right now, instead of laying down and taking a nap, I really want to organize some things in the house. I want to clean, go buy a new broom - since mine broke, and vegetable peeler - since mine disappeared, and some other things that have been on my mind. To have the vision, and lack the physical capability, is very frustrating. I watch other people who, with veritable ease, handle their household things without a second thought.

I had this in a draft and will post it. Then I will do something different... stay tuned.

Change is afoot!

Okay, so I have thoroughly been blessed while working with Gary Blier, of Advanced Cell Training. (www.advancedcelltraining.com) I am currently not doing ANYTHING else, outside of my dietary shifts, and meeting with a woman Gary recommended. Her name is Doris, and she has quite a gift. Such godly insight, and actually communicates with angels. Some people do get to do that... Lol. Anyway, it was amazing to talk to her yesterday, and Gary today. Both conversations confirmed my belief that I had pre-birth trauma. Since the work I have been doing with Gary, and how I was ready to talk to Doris (and those results), I am seriously seeing an amazing shift. Also crucial to this success and the results God has been putting together, has been Dr Lyndsey Elizabeth, my friend. She is a prayer warrior with an incredible healing gift. She took me through a DEEP layer of wounding, to healing. I'm incredibly excited!

Now, you may wonder how I'm doing physically. Predominantly, the issues I'm dealing with currently are fatigue (seems to have begun a shift) and all over body pain. Owwie! Once the pain and fatigue lifts, I'll know I've come a very long way. :) I have, much, anyway... but the big shift is coming from this beginning shift. For YEARS I have known and expected the holiday season to produce something incredible, and every year I have been excited and waited to see the major shift... but it didn't happen. Still, I KNEW it was supposed to happen during the holiday season, and I waited. Often very disappointed. But this year, the anticipation and excitement is palatable and greater... WOW! Just wait... so thrilled to share this journey with you all and see the massive breakthrough arriving. Yay!!!!

Multi-layer steps, moving right along. Often feeling very slow, but 37 years of stuff doesn't usually just resolve overnight. Body, mind, and spirit are being healed. THANK YOU JESUS!!!

(Oh, and guess what? I applied for a JOB! Ha!!!)

Oh, the fatigue... go away.

My days typically are not as eventful as most mothers, in terms of accomplishments, but as I heal up more and Avalei starts preK, this will change. Actually, maybe what accomplishments are with healthy women would be different. Getting out of bed is a big deal.

Today was a toughie, already. So I was up at 7:36am, realizing Jim was sound asleep next to me, and the kids were up. OMG!!! Jim should have been up and doing the morning routine! He lost his phone, which doubles as an alarm, and should have asked me to use mine. I didn't even think of it.

Off he goes to ensure the older two are ready for school, dressed with lunches, and off they go. I head to the girls room because isn't that how everyone begins their day? And get a text that the babysitter I'd hired to help out this morning (I'm very tired and could tell I was fighting something last night) informing me she had severe cramps and couldn't come. I would have cried, but I was too tired. 8:00 and time to get on a health call that is helping in my battle with Lyme disease. Sometime between 8:00-9:00 Jim kissed me goodbye and left. I put on some soothing music after the call, part of protocol, and crash. Could.not.keep.my.eyes.open. Avalei is in and out, talking to me as I nearly drool on myself. Just kidding, but only about the drooling part. I remember groggily praying for supernatural nanny angels, or something along those lines. This went on until 12:15 when I checked FB, hoping to stay awake for my kiddo, and my mom called. I haven't eaten a thing. Avalei did, and I'm certain because I first asked Jim, and then she came and said hi, as she ate.

Now I close windows, turn on a/c, and make lunch... assuming I don't fall on the floor.

This isn't every day. Thankfully. Now to enter the main part of the house and see what my fatigue has cost me.

Oh yay! She was merciful. Phew! :) Imagine first trimester fatigue... that's what I can compare this to, from experience. Why doesn't she nap anymore???

It's now 12:45, and is still be sleeping if I wasn't forcing myself up.

Tomorrow will be better... I'm holding onto that hope!

I need you.

I need you.  Yes, you.  I need your compassion.  Your understanding.  Your unconditional love.  Sometimes I need you to pat me on the back, to hold my hand, to send me a note of encouragement.  I need you to pray for me, and breath hope into me when mine has worn down to its core.  I need you to smile at me and to wipe away my tears.  I need you to see me, through all the things that could potentially keep you from seeing me clearly.  I need you to care.  I need you to be careful about offering advice, as often it is not what is truly helpful.  Sometimes I need you to bring me something.  Or to ask if there is something you could bring me that I really need, or maybe even just want.  Sometimes I want you to come over with a funny movie, so we can just laugh.  I need to laugh.  Tell me funny things.  My body hurts, and sometimes just a gentle back rub will mean the world to me.  Sometimes a card in the mail makes me feel on top of the world.  Knowing you have your own life going on, and your challenges and frustrations, but you remember me, makes me feel cherished and special.  I need that.  I need you to keep your word.  Please don't make me promises, and then back out.  Either don't make any, and surprise me, or keep them.  When I am in a place of desperate need of help, and you answer a prayer, but then really don't, it is devastating.  I am doing my best, and as long as this is all my best is, I don't need extra disappointment and to have to figure something else out last minute.  Please, don't take on things you shouldn't, even if your heart is really big.  I don't want that.  But if you can offer something, and want to, by all means... :)
Often a text or a phone call will take very little time from you, especially since my ringer is off 99% of the time, but will mean so much to me.  If I am on your heart, tell me.  That gives me a boost.  If you think of me and want to see me, ask me.  If I can manage a visit, I would LOVE one.  I miss you.  Even if you just pop by.  If you do stop it, when you see me beginning to droop, make me lay down.  You don't have to leave then, unless you can see I need you to, but I miss you so much I could overdo it.  Things I love, vanilla candles, or any pumpkin, cinnamon, sugar cookie candle.  I like lightly scented bath stuff.  I like herbal teas, and decaf chai.  I love fuzzy socks.  hehe  I like pretty scarves, and hats are delightful.  I love positive sayings for home decor, and love scriptures you can hang.  I'm right now visually craving autumn decor, since I don't have any anymore.  I love fruits and veggies, yes! And butternut squash soup rocks those fuzzy socks off my feet.  Call me crazy, but I am going vegan.  For my health.  I am taking my life back, yes indeed.  How do you spell love?  Vacuuming, dishes, and toilet cleaning.  Don't you spell it that way too?  I love books, reading is something I have begun to be able to do again.  I love mixed bouquets, exception of lilies, which hate me.  Darnit.  I love good worship music.  Do you have a puppy?  Or a baby?  Bring that little one to me so I can snuggle it!  :)  I love pretty things around me... there is something amazing about surrounding yourself with beauty.  I love fresh, organic herbs.  Because of the health crisis I am in, I am very careful about what I consume, as a rule.  Organic is a wonderful thing.  I love card games, but all my cards are gone, darn the luck!  ;)  Bring cards, I will whoop you.  hahaha  One important thing to remember as I heal is this... just because I seem excited, happy, and effusive with personality bubbling out of me, doesn't mean I won't rapidly hit a wall and slide right down it.  Don't assume I am doing all that much better, until I say so.  Looks can be deceiving.  Am I improving?  I think so.  But I don't yet really "feel" it.  I can do more, every so often.  And when I am able to, my endurance is longer, but nothing near normal.  Please keep in mind that when I think I am feeling well, I can quickly turn a corner and feel like I am going to pass out.  This makes me feel badly as I find myself concerned about how this will affect you.  Remind me in these moments, that it is about me.  I have been told to focus on me, and I know I need to.  This is difficult for me.  Don't let me get away with deflecting that.  It is dangerous for my health, for real.  I want to be well.  For me, for you, for the purpose God has for me.  The enemy is real, but he is weak when compared to the awesome power, authority and glory of my Father God.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness... well look at that, I feel useful.  :)  I need to rest and to eat.  Probably not in that order.  As you read this words, know that they likely apply to anyone (overall) that is dealing with any chronic, crippling disease or ailment... even severe depression.  Please be gentle with one another.  It is hard to share this with everyone, and most won't.  Always operate in love.  Please.  Always.  And thank you to all of you who have been there for me, in any way.  You are sowing good seed.  XOXOXO