I need you.

I need you.  Yes, you.  I need your compassion.  Your understanding.  Your unconditional love.  Sometimes I need you to pat me on the back, to hold my hand, to send me a note of encouragement.  I need you to pray for me, and breath hope into me when mine has worn down to its core.  I need you to smile at me and to wipe away my tears.  I need you to see me, through all the things that could potentially keep you from seeing me clearly.  I need you to care.  I need you to be careful about offering advice, as often it is not what is truly helpful.  Sometimes I need you to bring me something.  Or to ask if there is something you could bring me that I really need, or maybe even just want.  Sometimes I want you to come over with a funny movie, so we can just laugh.  I need to laugh.  Tell me funny things.  My body hurts, and sometimes just a gentle back rub will mean the world to me.  Sometimes a card in the mail makes me feel on top of the world.  Knowing you have your own life going on, and your challenges and frustrations, but you remember me, makes me feel cherished and special.  I need that.  I need you to keep your word.  Please don't make me promises, and then back out.  Either don't make any, and surprise me, or keep them.  When I am in a place of desperate need of help, and you answer a prayer, but then really don't, it is devastating.  I am doing my best, and as long as this is all my best is, I don't need extra disappointment and to have to figure something else out last minute.  Please, don't take on things you shouldn't, even if your heart is really big.  I don't want that.  But if you can offer something, and want to, by all means... :)
Often a text or a phone call will take very little time from you, especially since my ringer is off 99% of the time, but will mean so much to me.  If I am on your heart, tell me.  That gives me a boost.  If you think of me and want to see me, ask me.  If I can manage a visit, I would LOVE one.  I miss you.  Even if you just pop by.  If you do stop it, when you see me beginning to droop, make me lay down.  You don't have to leave then, unless you can see I need you to, but I miss you so much I could overdo it.  Things I love, vanilla candles, or any pumpkin, cinnamon, sugar cookie candle.  I like lightly scented bath stuff.  I like herbal teas, and decaf chai.  I love fuzzy socks.  hehe  I like pretty scarves, and hats are delightful.  I love positive sayings for home decor, and love scriptures you can hang.  I'm right now visually craving autumn decor, since I don't have any anymore.  I love fruits and veggies, yes! And butternut squash soup rocks those fuzzy socks off my feet.  Call me crazy, but I am going vegan.  For my health.  I am taking my life back, yes indeed.  How do you spell love?  Vacuuming, dishes, and toilet cleaning.  Don't you spell it that way too?  I love books, reading is something I have begun to be able to do again.  I love mixed bouquets, exception of lilies, which hate me.  Darnit.  I love good worship music.  Do you have a puppy?  Or a baby?  Bring that little one to me so I can snuggle it!  :)  I love pretty things around me... there is something amazing about surrounding yourself with beauty.  I love fresh, organic herbs.  Because of the health crisis I am in, I am very careful about what I consume, as a rule.  Organic is a wonderful thing.  I love card games, but all my cards are gone, darn the luck!  ;)  Bring cards, I will whoop you.  hahaha  One important thing to remember as I heal is this... just because I seem excited, happy, and effusive with personality bubbling out of me, doesn't mean I won't rapidly hit a wall and slide right down it.  Don't assume I am doing all that much better, until I say so.  Looks can be deceiving.  Am I improving?  I think so.  But I don't yet really "feel" it.  I can do more, every so often.  And when I am able to, my endurance is longer, but nothing near normal.  Please keep in mind that when I think I am feeling well, I can quickly turn a corner and feel like I am going to pass out.  This makes me feel badly as I find myself concerned about how this will affect you.  Remind me in these moments, that it is about me.  I have been told to focus on me, and I know I need to.  This is difficult for me.  Don't let me get away with deflecting that.  It is dangerous for my health, for real.  I want to be well.  For me, for you, for the purpose God has for me.  The enemy is real, but he is weak when compared to the awesome power, authority and glory of my Father God.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness... well look at that, I feel useful.  :)  I need to rest and to eat.  Probably not in that order.  As you read this words, know that they likely apply to anyone (overall) that is dealing with any chronic, crippling disease or ailment... even severe depression.  Please be gentle with one another.  It is hard to share this with everyone, and most won't.  Always operate in love.  Please.  Always.  And thank you to all of you who have been there for me, in any way.  You are sowing good seed.  XOXOXO

Progress is progress, even if only baby steps.

Baby steps. Sometimes I feel I should be doing more than baby steps, but reality is that this is huge progress. I should celebrate every victory, and I keep saying I do and it's true. Still, there are other times where the slow progress makes me feel frustrated and sometimes a bit disappointed. I have so many hopes and dreams, so many plans for my future and my family, and slow progress doesn't quite fit with my heart's desires.

I am determining to be pleased with any progress I make. Trying to recognize the distance I have come in the last several months, and what a big deal that is. I was rapidly going downhill, and although it was hard for me to see how poorly I was doing, there are many who began to recognize it, and see the changes since then more clearly than I do. The truth is, I was doing so poorly, that I couldn't even wrap my mind around what was going on. I think maybe there's this inherent part of us that doesn't want to allow us to see how bad things are. It could be that I am a positive person by nature, and it wasn't something I always recognized because of the illness. It could be that I realize that God is always wanting what's best for me, and always breathing life into my being. And it's that desperate attempt to remember to concentrate on those truths and believe him and trust him, that have often disallowed me to see my reality. Now I say my reality, because my current reality doesn't match God's truth. But it's getting closer and closer every day.

An example of my reality coming closer to the truth is that I got up this morning, I did my praise moves workout, I got myself ready and put make up on. Those things in themselves are humongous accomplishments for me. And although that might seem silly and frivolous to some, it's because they don't have a true appreciation of what that means to someone who could scarcely get dressed much less leave the house.

I was so pleased. Then I went to lunch with Rachael and my mom, and celebrated my birthday together. We did some window shopping, and they did a little bit of real shopping, while I began to feel very fatigued. I hoped it would recover enough to enjoy the rest of the afternoon, and I did. This is also a very big deal. We then went and got pedicures and Rachael and I got manicures, and we laughed and relaxed together. After are fairly lengthy afternoon together, they drove me home. We visited briefly and they took their leave. I then spent time with the family and helped Jim get the kids ready for bed. It was a little more difficult, because I'm very sore. Not only have I done two of the praise moves workouts in the last three days, but yesterday I went and had an hour and a half massage and I'm very very tender, and very sore in places from it. I know it was important, nonetheless I still hurt. After the massage I had gone to the hot tab, and that felt good. However I think I need to soak with Epson salts and maybe ice my back.

After eating dinner and getting the kids settled for bed, I told Abby and Jim that we needed to finish zone number one. I am working diligently in getting our fly lady system set up, so our home is neater and easier to maintain.
We now have our calendar, and to do lists set up on Cozi.com. This system is fantastic, and on my new iPad (yay!), it's easy to follow. On the to do list I can just tap the boxes and it adds checkmarks. I also have been writing down the tasks for the week on the dry erase board and we just erase it as we go along. It is fantastic, and helping us to get more systems in place. It's progress, and it's actually very good progress, I just am very much a go getter, and I want to "go get".

Okay, so let me tell you what zone 1 was this week. Our tasks centered around the entry way, the dining room, and our balcony. On the lis,t it says porch, which makes more sense because they're all connected, but we don't have a porch and have a balcony instead. This evening I got on my hands and knees and I dusted the baseboards in the entry and dining areas. We're very fortunate to not have a lot of dust here, but I hardly got anything up. I am pretty sure we have not done that since we moved here in February. But now we have.

We cleaned up and organized the coat closet, wiped down the floor in the entry area, vacuumed in the dining room Jim also did the living room, and I dusted the chairs in the dining room. Jim also wiped down the front door, the table, and we did the balcony. On the balcony we had items to pick up and put away, the table to wipe down and the chairs, the railing I also wiped down and the light fixture, and we had to pour hot water onto the balcony because it was sticky from Popsicles and bubbles, and sidewalk chalk. It looks really good now, nice and tidy, and my brightly colored outdoor lights were plugged in for most of the evening. My mother-in-law bought those for my birthday, and I think I need a couple more strings to really get it how I want it, but it looks very pretty right now. It is pretty inviting, and I'm hoping for a rug to really warm it up as well as peppermint plants to ward off the flying and stinging insects, and some tin lanterns or luminaries for me to put candles in and really make it look very comfortable. I wish it wasn't so late and I could go sit out there right now, but it is awfully cold. Oh right, I also want an outdoor heater. That will be fabulous. My body is more tired than my mind, so in just a bit I'm going to try to go to sleep. Hopefully I can. I also want to put some outdoor speakers on the balcony, I have been thinking about it and it would be wonderful.

So all this is fabulous progress and next week we start on the kitchen which is zone 2 in the flylady system.

In addition to the above, this week I also got my new starter kit in for Mary Kay. I had one before, and it's basically the essentials for holding skincare classes or parties, but mine was stolen with everything else that was stolen back in February. I also made a couple calls and got some orders in, and I placed an order and received it and assembled the orders as well. So that's actually another big piece of what I accomplished this week. Not only that, but I've also been doing my nighttime routine for my face more often. When I got so sick, I'd go days without washing my face as I was hardly able to do anything. I still feel really under the weather, weak and tired. That hasn't changed really, just my stamina as it has improved, and my endurance. They're still far from normal, and I just do the best I can on a day to day, and moment by moment basis. I don't typically know in advance what I'm going to be able to do, so I just push myself when I feel like it get away with pushing myself a little bit, and other times I don't push it all because I know I can't. At least I'm recognizing that better. My goal is to do my nighttime routine every day, my praise moves workout every day, and get the zone tasks and special zone missions accomplished every week. That is something we can do as a family though, and Abby helped me tonight on the balcony. I'm really glad she did.

Meanwhile, I want to build up business tools I need to have to work the business as I improve. I will do what I can, and do it slowly. I'm going to start out as if I were a new consultant, and do everything the right way from scratch. I'm essentially starting fresh, with the exception that I have almost 14 years of history in this company, some awesome team members, and some very loyal and faithful customers. I have decided to focus on building my business with the people I see on a regular basis in helping Audrey, and specifically with this apartment complex. I'm not going to focus on much of anything else, but that and my current customers. And I will do this with very tiny baby steps. I am currently working on setting up my systems, very simplified systems this time. I think that because I didn't really use my filesystem at the old house, the files inside probably are very safe from mold spores. I think I will use them and utilize the systems I already had set up, to see if I can get this together. I think it is good for a seasoned consultant to start fresh, in a sense, every so often, so they can still be very relevant to new consultants as they come in. One of my team members is wanting to get her business off the ground, and we could come at it like we're both starting brand-new brand-new, and essentially do that together. I want to keep things very simple, which will help make maintenance easier, but also much easier for new consultants to follow. :)

I have more to say, but I'm fried and so I'm going to put on some music and go to bed. Thanks for staying tuned... I still need lots of grace and help, but when I can manage something, I do. :)

Blessings!

Jen

Pity Party? NO THANKS!

I think it is pretty easy to feel sorry for yourself.  To get trapped in that place that says, "Why is this happening?  It shouldn't happen to me!"  Should it happen to anyone?  No, not really.  But it is what it is.  Once in a while I find myself losing my grip on my current situation.  Oh great... impending downward spiral.... I DON'T THINK SO!  It is far too easy to take the low road.  But that road, though easy to get to, is full of potholes, and robbers, and stickers, and cow patties.  Yeah, I said it... it's full of crap.  So the high road it is... I may slip a bit, but I always regroup.  It's a choice.

Yeah, it's a choice.  YOU get to choose your response.  What will you choose today?

The pity party I could opt for today, will take the energy away needed for the fun party coming up.  And that would just not be fun!

Party on Wayne.

Oh, that my life would be all it's purposes to be. :)

Seasons come and go
Circumstances ebb and flow
There is one Constant I know...
He created me. He gave me life and purpose. He created the passions that stir deep within, deliberately. I'm made to encompass Beauty. He is beauty. I am His, made in His image. The result of this is that I AM BEAUTY. His loved, cherished, precious child. What more can I do but honor Him with every breath I take, with every step I make. Without Him, life is empty and without hope. What an empty future I would have without Him! I would die without my love, without His peace that surpasses anything else.

Oh that my life would be ever focused on Him, in a way that draws people in and translates to them the love of the Father.

Oh Lord, spring from within me wells of joy, infectious, overwhelming and glorious!

Oh yes, let it be! I am free! I am happy! Lead me to others who need the same.

Hallelujah! Your love is amazing!

PART ONE: I can hardly believe I have not posted since April...

Wow, so the last few months have been very involved.  At times I was sick and tired, and unable to leave the house (while on certain meds), while others I was okay-though not great.  What a process!

I really don't want to hash out all the stuff that has gone on.  There has been way too much to post, and frankly, this kinda wipes me out.  :) So I am going to ramble on about what is going on now, and if anything that has happened comes up, then I will add it.

I don't want to talk about how I am doing right now, though if you ask and really want to know, I will be happy to tell you.  I just don't want to write about it.  I will say that my stamina has improved, and the body pain has gone down some to where it is tolerable and doesn't consume my every moment.  Not that it has gone away, but that I can better ignore it.

I want to stop going to the doctor and taking so many meds, very badly.  I am so ready to move on with my life.  Kinda like labor, I guess.  Yeah, I think so.  I think then I am going to push really hard right now.  It's my birthday month, and I intend to grab a hold of what God has for me, with all my getting.  :)

So I think I will talk about my intentions.  Yep.  That is what I am going to do.

I fully intend to walk out the truth of who God is and His promises to me.  His promises to me include:

He will bless the work of my hands.
He intends for me to walk in health and wholeness, in life and abundance.
He loves me thoroughly, truly and beautifully.
He thinks highly of me.
I am made in His image (and guess what, He ain't sick!)
He has a plan and a purpose for my life.
When I wait on Him, He renews my strength.
His heart toward me is good.
He will restore the years the locust has stolen.
I know He has spoken to me that His plan for me is on a large scale.  I fully believe this and will have a large scale benefits and blessings to those I come in contact with.  I think that is great redemption for what the enemy has tried to steal.  SUCKER!!  WRONG GIRL!!!!  Payback shall be FIERCE. YAY!
Once I overcome this entirely, I WILL NEVER CARRY ILLNESS LIKE THIS AGAIN, EVER!
He told me something special... "The longer you stand and contend in this, the larger your platform."  YAHOO!  I have been fighting for so long.  I have been learning boundaries too.  I believe that when all is said and done, I will have proper boundaries and guidelines with my time and energy levels.  Shoot, speaking of, I cannot finish this now... so it will become part 1.  I need to go to bed.  So I am off.  Thanks for reading.  :)

...I hold onto you with all my strength, Lord

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore. (Psalm 121:1-8 ESV)

Oh Lord, I'm so weary. So tired, so longing to be well and to feel better. So much desiring to be able to the things with my family we like to do and they deserve to have me do with them. I'm up to take some medicine, and can't go back to bed yet. My tummy feel off and I hurt, but hesitate to take more pain meds as I was to be wise with my liver, and also I fool myself into thinking I'm feeling better than I do, but then they begin to wear off and I find that some basic kitchen clean up and pantry organizing is far more than I can physically do, right now, without taxing my body excessively.

I'm working diligently for my health, knowing full well I will be healed, and that until that fully manifests, I must be a good steward of my body. I'm very focused on being grateful and recognizing the good things, and yet it's so hard. Everyone is asleep and I was so exhausted that I rested and slept through pretty much everyone's bed time and didn't get to spend it with them. Although it takes rather a lot out of me, I still want to have that time. But by the time Jim is home, I'm toast. Old, dried out, toast.

I need a reprieve. I must find some relief. Please help me. I cannot even clean a bathroom, and I'm the last person here who did.

Thank you for being there and carrying me through. I cannot fathom how anyone could go through this without you.

Please bless my sleep mightily tonight. I love you.

Your little things matter to Him... and they aren't little to Him at all

It was 1AM. I was tired. I hurt. Not so unusual. I was mourning the loss of the familiar things (the good ones, of course) and feeling off and displaced. I, again, began to miss this music selection my friend Josette had given me 3 years ago, NYE. It was burned onto a CD, without anything much to identify it. I learned it was a soaking cd by the Riveras, and I had listened to it briefly... I wasn't super excited about it, but I didn't listen to much of it at the time and I was tired and pregnant. I listened to it again, and really felt God's presence. It brought a measure of peace and relaxation that I didn't easily obtain on my own. I added the music to my iTunes account, and put it on my iPhone. I began to use the selection often, and times I needed to relax and rest, and if I had difficulty sleeping. I found it was incredibly helpful for my sleep. It also helps me maintain an atmosphere of peace and strength when I was having a difficult labor and delivery at the hospital with my third daughter. It also helped with the recovery after ended up with a C-section. I was separated from my beautiful little girl, I didn't get to see her, miss music helped carry me through. I felt it was easier to connect with God during these times with this music. This music testing many tears, for many reasons. This is been a source of strength to me. When my old iPhone pooped out I lost the selection. Something went wrong with my iTunes and I could never recover it. It was not much later that we moved again and I have no idea where the CD was anyway. So here I am, dealing with a diagnosis of a chronic illness that I've had for a very long time, and having to move suddenly. Hardly anything was familiar. My mattress was unfamiliar, most my furniture was unfamiliar, the space is unfamiliar, some of our dishes and utensils were also. I hardly have any of my old clothing, and hardly anything to replace it anyway. We're in a new town, the kids are in a new school, and I haven't even felt well enough to go to church. It feels very strange, and last night I was in tears just feeling so out of place in an unfamiliar environment. I so long for the familiar. And again, I began to try to find this music selection. It could be seen as a rather silly time to be looking for this music, but Jim was starting to snore again, and I was feeling so out of place and longing for this music as it would transfer me into the presence of God in every deep restful way. I had looked at iTunes, and listened to excerpts from each of their albums. I couldn't find it. I contacted the girlfriend who had given me the original CD, and couldn't reach her. Her number was lost on my old phone, so I was trying to contact her through Facebook. I had suddenly what I would call a God flash. It occurred to me that I might try YouTube, and may be able to find something that was some live conference where they had played. I tried a couple and they were good, but they were not the right ones. I then opened another one, and tears filled my eyes as my body flooded with this instant peace and gratitude that God had led me to the right place. This was it! But now, how do I get all the selections together in one place and recorded and saved to my phone? They had multiple parts listed, part 2, 2, and so on. I then saw that the website was listed in the lower left corner of the video. I went to their website and begin to look through their music available for download. To my amazement, they had a section of free items. I didn't see what I was looking for in the other sections you would pay for, so I decided to check the free options to see if it was there. Lo and behold, there it was. I downloaded the zip drive of MP3 music. I then had to, in my very sleepy befuddled state, figure out how to transfer that into iTunes. But I quickly found of the solution and transferred it into the iTunes account. I then, after a few attempts, was able to sync this selection as a new playlist onto my iPhone. I just cried, tears of joy and gratitude. It was again made clear that He cares about every little detail of our lives. And truly, it isn't little to Him. It isn't really little to me either... but someone else could see if that way. I think I slept better than I have in a very long time. I listened to it all night, and have been listening for a straight ten hours. I feel so much more peace! He is so beautiful! Thank you to Kimberely and Alberto Rivera, and their soaking team, for sharing this and at no cost. Wow... thank you Josette Grewatts, for blessing me with this. Thank you Holy Spirit for the YouTube download... I had not even considered that! Thank you Jesus for loving me and bringing me freedom. And Almighty God, you are my shalom, my provider... You consider everything I need and ensure I lack for no good thing. Thank you for showing me that I, Your princess, matter... down to the seemingly smallest things. I have so much love and gratitude inside, and hope it spills out everywhere I go.

Wow... now for meds and a nap before I get lunch. GOD IS SO GOOD, His mercy endures forever. Holy is HE!