...I hold onto you with all my strength, Lord

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore. (Psalm 121:1-8 ESV)

Oh Lord, I'm so weary. So tired, so longing to be well and to feel better. So much desiring to be able to the things with my family we like to do and they deserve to have me do with them. I'm up to take some medicine, and can't go back to bed yet. My tummy feel off and I hurt, but hesitate to take more pain meds as I was to be wise with my liver, and also I fool myself into thinking I'm feeling better than I do, but then they begin to wear off and I find that some basic kitchen clean up and pantry organizing is far more than I can physically do, right now, without taxing my body excessively.

I'm working diligently for my health, knowing full well I will be healed, and that until that fully manifests, I must be a good steward of my body. I'm very focused on being grateful and recognizing the good things, and yet it's so hard. Everyone is asleep and I was so exhausted that I rested and slept through pretty much everyone's bed time and didn't get to spend it with them. Although it takes rather a lot out of me, I still want to have that time. But by the time Jim is home, I'm toast. Old, dried out, toast.

I need a reprieve. I must find some relief. Please help me. I cannot even clean a bathroom, and I'm the last person here who did.

Thank you for being there and carrying me through. I cannot fathom how anyone could go through this without you.

Please bless my sleep mightily tonight. I love you.

Your little things matter to Him... and they aren't little to Him at all

It was 1AM. I was tired. I hurt. Not so unusual. I was mourning the loss of the familiar things (the good ones, of course) and feeling off and displaced. I, again, began to miss this music selection my friend Josette had given me 3 years ago, NYE. It was burned onto a CD, without anything much to identify it. I learned it was a soaking cd by the Riveras, and I had listened to it briefly... I wasn't super excited about it, but I didn't listen to much of it at the time and I was tired and pregnant. I listened to it again, and really felt God's presence. It brought a measure of peace and relaxation that I didn't easily obtain on my own. I added the music to my iTunes account, and put it on my iPhone. I began to use the selection often, and times I needed to relax and rest, and if I had difficulty sleeping. I found it was incredibly helpful for my sleep. It also helps me maintain an atmosphere of peace and strength when I was having a difficult labor and delivery at the hospital with my third daughter. It also helped with the recovery after ended up with a C-section. I was separated from my beautiful little girl, I didn't get to see her, miss music helped carry me through. I felt it was easier to connect with God during these times with this music. This music testing many tears, for many reasons. This is been a source of strength to me. When my old iPhone pooped out I lost the selection. Something went wrong with my iTunes and I could never recover it. It was not much later that we moved again and I have no idea where the CD was anyway. So here I am, dealing with a diagnosis of a chronic illness that I've had for a very long time, and having to move suddenly. Hardly anything was familiar. My mattress was unfamiliar, most my furniture was unfamiliar, the space is unfamiliar, some of our dishes and utensils were also. I hardly have any of my old clothing, and hardly anything to replace it anyway. We're in a new town, the kids are in a new school, and I haven't even felt well enough to go to church. It feels very strange, and last night I was in tears just feeling so out of place in an unfamiliar environment. I so long for the familiar. And again, I began to try to find this music selection. It could be seen as a rather silly time to be looking for this music, but Jim was starting to snore again, and I was feeling so out of place and longing for this music as it would transfer me into the presence of God in every deep restful way. I had looked at iTunes, and listened to excerpts from each of their albums. I couldn't find it. I contacted the girlfriend who had given me the original CD, and couldn't reach her. Her number was lost on my old phone, so I was trying to contact her through Facebook. I had suddenly what I would call a God flash. It occurred to me that I might try YouTube, and may be able to find something that was some live conference where they had played. I tried a couple and they were good, but they were not the right ones. I then opened another one, and tears filled my eyes as my body flooded with this instant peace and gratitude that God had led me to the right place. This was it! But now, how do I get all the selections together in one place and recorded and saved to my phone? They had multiple parts listed, part 2, 2, and so on. I then saw that the website was listed in the lower left corner of the video. I went to their website and begin to look through their music available for download. To my amazement, they had a section of free items. I didn't see what I was looking for in the other sections you would pay for, so I decided to check the free options to see if it was there. Lo and behold, there it was. I downloaded the zip drive of MP3 music. I then had to, in my very sleepy befuddled state, figure out how to transfer that into iTunes. But I quickly found of the solution and transferred it into the iTunes account. I then, after a few attempts, was able to sync this selection as a new playlist onto my iPhone. I just cried, tears of joy and gratitude. It was again made clear that He cares about every little detail of our lives. And truly, it isn't little to Him. It isn't really little to me either... but someone else could see if that way. I think I slept better than I have in a very long time. I listened to it all night, and have been listening for a straight ten hours. I feel so much more peace! He is so beautiful! Thank you to Kimberely and Alberto Rivera, and their soaking team, for sharing this and at no cost. Wow... thank you Josette Grewatts, for blessing me with this. Thank you Holy Spirit for the YouTube download... I had not even considered that! Thank you Jesus for loving me and bringing me freedom. And Almighty God, you are my shalom, my provider... You consider everything I need and ensure I lack for no good thing. Thank you for showing me that I, Your princess, matter... down to the seemingly smallest things. I have so much love and gratitude inside, and hope it spills out everywhere I go.

Wow... now for meds and a nap before I get lunch. GOD IS SO GOOD, His mercy endures forever. Holy is HE!

I have my ACT class today, hurray!

I have been taking a class via phone to get rid of Lyme disease, amongst other things.  It is helping and I am excited.  They have classes for other things also, even emotional trauma.  Seriously this is awesome.

www.advancedcelltraining.com

Thank you Lord for bringing this to my attention via my friend Robin!  I am glad she was looking around for me, wanting to see me well. 

I have the best family and friends!

And I get to look forward to seeing Mom and Rachael this weekend.  This is wonderful!

Yay, yay, yay!

Jen

Blesssings are chasing me down and overtaking me... yeah, you got me... :)

Well, the last several weeks have been intense, and challenging at best.  TRANSITION IS NOT EASY.  BUT it IS WORTHWHILE! 

In the midst of moving, selling things (many that should not have been sold, many that had to be that we would rather not have), and having many thousands of dollars of stuff stolen, I find it almost unbelievable.  And it's happened to ME and MINE!  I cannot imagine how ridiculous this could sound to someone else.

Anyway, I just can't live in that space... it happened, it sucked, it still often does and I do occasionally have a cry.  But not as many, phew!  That part is slowing down.  Now the reality of our new situation begins to unfold.  Where are the lids to my pyrex I got a bazillion years ago at our wedding?  Well, that's a good question.  Do we still have them?  I don't know, but the good news is that we were so inundated with pyrex, I can use some of it as a lid until we either find them, or get replacements.  And our old pots and pans are gone, but we were blessed with some beautiful factory seconds, brand new and hardly noticeable anything was not pristine.  Kind of funny, that I am so excited to have slightly (VERY slightly) damaged pots and pans (some don't look damaged at all...?) that are brand new, so I am less tense about the first scratch or nick.  When finances get a little less crazy (we were informed today we really need about $1,100 in repairs to our car, and medical stuff is ridiculous) I can purchase replacement lids for the pans, I think.  They came lidless.  Still, I HAVE AWESOME, EASY TO CLEAN POTS AND PANS!  WOO-HOO!  I was wanting new ones.  These are not what we will eventually have, but I am perfectly happy to have them until the day we get the professional set we would like.

I digress... I was going to talk about one of the items, nay TWO of the items I let go of in the move.  One on purpose, the other, not so much, but I wasn't thinking about that one anyway.  One item was a 9 cubby storage system.  I had just purchased it in November, after thinking about it for about a year.  I knew to purchase it, and get the fabric cubby drawers, it would run me about $120 at the min.  I finally just felt I had to bite the bullet and get it.  My kids were needing a sense of order to their toys, and with the layout of the large home we were living in, the toys kept making their way into the family room and ALL OVER.  I reasoned that if I were to purchase a cubby that was black, with tan drawers, it would actually look lovely in the room, and create order.  I LOVE ORDER.  I LOOOOOOOOOVE ORDER.  *happy sigh at thoughts of containers, shelves, labels, and all other forms of order... even filing systems... ahhhhh... *  So I went to our local Kmart, since Petaluma didn't have Target, or even WalMart, and got the cubby system and all the drawers they had in the color I wanted for that room.  Oh, I was so excited.  It was like Christmas, or something.  I then went online and ordered the other drawers to ship to store, and they were there THE NEXT MORNING!  Ah, heavenly!  I mean, other than I can hardly STAND entering that store and their layaway and ship to store section is RIGHT NEXT to the smelliest restrooms ever to "grace" a chain store.  I am not exaggerating... I was stomach turning, but well worth it... because I could leave once I found an employee willing to work.  haha  I assigned a toy type to each drawer.  The girls were having fun cleaning up after themselves and I was in a state of bliss.  Hmmm... I really like word.  I think I shall put it on my wall. 

BLISS: noun: supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment: wedded bliss.  

How can we not maintain some semblance of bliss when we have such open access to our God, our King, our Savior?  REALLY!?!  I know life can get crazy... BELIEVE ME, I KNOW!  But He is our all in all... I could go on, but I will save this for another post.

And I did want to pause and say this... Have I mentioned lately what a wonderful man I married?  I cannot fathom this life, these things we have faced, nor the tremendous fun we can have, with anyone else.  And guess what?  Dinner just came in, served by the kindest, most loving, silly, goofy guy with the best laugh I have ever heard, big hearted, adoring man ever!  (I am related to some awesome men, but it would be weird to marry them, and it ain't Arkansas... haha)  I just wanted to brag on Jim for a sec.  HE ROCKS!  HE DA BOMB!  I LUBS HIM!!!  Okay, back to what I still haven't told you... ;)

So, I had to let go of my GORGEOUS, PRACTICAL, HANDY, ORDER-IFIC, MAKES ME SMILE cubby storage system.  Sniff... boo-hoo.  I found myself thinking about this wonderful tool to order, more and more often as we neared 5 weeks in this new resting place.  Ya know, if you are missing items within the first month, they are probably things you should have.  :)  I started to really miss having this item and wishing for another.  Looking around hoping for a deal, and knowing that the expenses we are contending with are just so high, we cannot truly justify the expense.  I NEED to be well.  I also need order.  But I NEED HEALTH MORE.  So I sat on my couch and said, "Lord, I need to replace that which I had to let go of.  I just cannot spend the money on it.  Would you please send me a new one?"  This was just earlier this week.  So a day, or maybe two goes by.  I have other things on my mind... and I get a text from my sis Rachael, my brother David's wife.  She wants to know if I want this brand new 9 cubby white storage deal with 4 green fabric drawers... UH, YEAH!  She had no idea, that I am aware, how I had prayed that as I don't believe I told anyone.  This is still in the box, brand new, and she easily could have either returned it or sold it, but she offered it to me.  She was using one and found two would likely be too much space used.  This did multiple things for me.  It reminded me that God loves me so much, and that what is important to me matters.  I matter.  I matter... I know I said it already.  I did that on purpose.  :)  It told me I need to remember to take my needs to Him.  It reminded me that Rachael loves me and my family, and that she supports us.  It made me feel remembered and cared for.  It took one thing off the table that I was trying to figure out. Lord, do we get one that matched the living room and have some toy storage in here, or do we put it in their room?  Well, although that set up would be able to go either way, it will go far better with what I want to do with their room over time.  So now I don't have to figure that out, and that is fabulous.  And it also gives me this sense of excitement, knowing that in the next little while, I will be able to start getting their room together a little more.  Granted, we still need the mattresses for them, but that will come.  The car told us this week that we had to wait, or we would be short a vehicle.  DARNIT!  But thankfully we had waited a bit, so though they are still using air mattresses, at least I can drive them to school!  I am so excited, I call to tell my mother.  Mom tells me she is giving the kids her table and chair that goes unused all the time in the playroom.  Now, there is only ONE chair, but I think it might be pottery barn, and if so we can likely get more.  Even if not, we can get another chair, or three, that are all different and have them painted different colors, and it will be so cute.  I don't believe my mom knew that I had been really wishing I had a table and chairs for them to use in their room either.  So YAHOO!  Double blessing and how exciting!

So here I am blogging about this blessing, having posted on my page a little prayer... 




Lord, I would like to somehow win theater tix for me and my eldest. Thank you! I shall go blog my thoughts now. www.lymemeariver.blogspot.com

I also comment on a friend's page who saw the movie my daughter wants to see, and after hearing that she liked it, decided I did want to see it as I was suspecting.  I commented I wanted to see it with my daughter, but after the medical expense and car expense from today, we would have to wait, so we would.  :)  I honestly didn't think about it after that, I posted the prayer and came to share the blessing.  As I am doing my think, a chat chime indicates there is a message.  This friend (and she is just a fabulous person anyway, and I have always thought highly of her... wonder if she knows that...) said she would love to send us to the movies, and to let her know if I found a way we could do that online.... we don't leave anywhere near each other... I am so excited!  Once it is firmed up, I will tell my girl.  She will be so excited!   How wonderful!

I am going to sigh off... my next post will just be my prayer list/provision for this new place.  I will have it all in one place, and that way if anyone asks, I can just direct them here.  Also, I will remember to keep track of priorities.

Blessed... too blessed to be stressed... I will try to remember this.  :)

Jen

Ah, regrouping is a blessed thing...

I forgot last week I posted how I was unraveling.  I had no idea the next day would be worse.  I shared with a few prayer warrior friends, although those without text, didn't get the "prayer memo".  My good friend Robin told me "He is there to catch you.  You can let go."  Then she felt compelled to share Psalm 46 with me, I believe the Lord spoke to her that it was specifically for me right now... so I will share it here.

God Is Our Fortress

To the choirmaster. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A Song.

46 God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
⁵  God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
    God will help her when morning dawns.
⁶  The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
    he utters his voice, the earth melts.
⁷  The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

⁸  Come, behold the works of the Lord,
    how he has brought desolations on the earth.
⁹  He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
     he burns the chariots with fire.
¹⁰  “Be still, and know that I am God.
     I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”
¹¹  The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

I had reached the end of myself and was told that was the best place for Him to step in.  This helped encourage me.  I was sobbing so hard that I found myself in danger of hyperventilating, and had to rapidly lay down and force long, slow breaths in my nose and through my pursed mouth.  It felt like a good idea, and it helped.  Then I just said, "Lord, I don't know what to do, so I let go and give it to you... although I don't know how, I am willing."  I held my arms out while on my bed, flat on my back, and felt that I needed to briefly go off my treatment plan.  My body was overwhelmed with the detox, as were my emotions.  I instantly felt like I had a plan and that it would be okay.  I did not take my supplements/meds that evening at all.  Nor did I take them through the weekend, though I did take a few things that support detox, after a couple days.  I resumed the whole treatment Monday, and spoke with my doctor who seemed pleased, and just gave some basic instruction for times I may need to stop for a day or two.  Emotionally I have felt much better since.  Physically, well that is another story.  Detox takes it's toll on people, for sure.

This last month we went from 2400 sf, 4/3 and 3 car garage, pretty much to capacity (especially the garage, shudder) to 1400 sf, 3/2 and a 1 car garage, with room to spare.  Even with little imagination, I think most people would recognize how substantial that is.  I could literally fit ALL my clothing in one drawer (including my big robe) and likely with my shoes.  I have very little to wear.  When you have minimal help (although the help we had was such a gift!), and the one handling it is the one with the least aptitude to do so, you end up taking a big hit.  Financially, emotionally, and physically, the toll has been pretty hard core.  I wanted to stay in the former house longer, but the mold issues were wreaking havoc on my system, and I could scarcely walk.  It was getting pretty bad.  Everyone was having respiratory issues, not sleeping well, coughing, and so on.  We had to leave, and fast.  Now we are praying the landlords take our request (which we feel is more than reasonable, and have had a meeting with Fair Housing who agrees) for the last month's pre-paid rent returned, plus our full deposit.  I don't want to litigate, and I am certain they will take it as a personal affront, so I hope they concede this point.

I am not sure which toys we still own, but we have no books (except the two purchased yesterday), and many of the things we used daily are either sold, tossed, stolen, or in a box in the garage, waiting for proper cleaning so we can use them again.

I am in the midst of the theft claim, but am so tired.  I just want to nap.  I have kids to pick up in 40 minutes, and if it isn't raining, we will go to the hot tub.  The amenities are pretty nice here.  

Regardless of how deeply painful and even traumatizing this experience has been, I am grateful that never again will we be so stuck and encumbered with stuff.  I realize that if I were healthy already, and forced to move quickly, Jim and I could easily pack up this whole place, plus garage... and load into a moving truck in one day.  That is so freeing!  Simplified... now trying to ensure our whole life is simplified.

I better get this toddler clothed... little nudie.

Today's prayer... exponential increase in healing and wholeness, financial things in place after moving and loss, ease of claims process with renter's insurance, favor with landlords, car repaired, my children to make new friends who LOVE JESUS, and for great blessing for those who are/have chosen to bless my family in this time of challenge and distress.  The crisis is over, now to regroup fully and get settled.  We are so very pleased to have Jim home with us again, versus always at the old place taking care of everything.  Though there was some assistance (thank God, seriously!), he still managed most all of it on his own.  His choices were not always perfect (duh, whose are?) but I am really proud of him.  This is not an area of his strength... just like I had to let go and let him, and this is not MY area of strength.  Phew, all done on that end.  WE MISSED YOU HONEY!

Blessings to you, one and all.

Jen and fam

I need a "do-over" today.

I am at a breaking point. Something has got to give, and I mean now. Not kidding, not exaggerating, because I can't take it anymore. The kids are acting out, which is not surprising with all that they've had to contend with lately.

I am even too upset to post anymore. But I am done. It has to shift, right now. RIGHT NOW! Do you hear me? I'm ALREADY in a difficult place if life was normal, and I want to heal. I DEMAND A SHIFT!

I seriously have found the end of my rope. It's frayed and appears to be unraveling.

Lord, I need help, and need sleep badly. Please help me. Guard my heart and family, and show me the reality of YOUR promises.

I just realized...

if I update grammatical errors (from using the feature where I can talk my blog out), it changes the post date. Humph. I don't care for that at all.

Anyway...