Welcome spring, can I go back to sleep now?

Well, good morning… Or something. I just spent the greater part of an hour trying to compel my 10-year-old to go to school. Unfortunately we have the spring forward time change yesterday and she's having difficulty acclimating. She even a difficulty going to sleep last night and ended up in my bed. The result: I am near tears and feeling very frustrated and grouchy, Jim has to leave for work with his new management position as he has two new hires beginning today, and my 10-year-old breaks down and is all apologetic but still having difficulty complying. She goes off to the restroom then comes back and I tell her forget it… And go back to sleep for two hours and then get up and take a bath and go to school at the same time as your sister goes to kindergarten. Again at my wits end and not sure what to do dealing with the child on the spectrum, I pray for help. She thinks the bath is a good idea and trucks off to have one. Perhaps we will get her to school somewhere around 10 o'clock?… I certainly hope so. I had a really late night trying to finish a project that I need to get done. As a result I am very tired and I don't want to be doing that's right now. It is actually one of my least favorite things to be dealing with. Not the fact that it's my daughter, not the fact that she's on spectrum, the fighting to get someone to cooperate and go to school is just one of my least favorite things in the whole world. If this was what I had to do for an eternity! I would feel that it was certainly hell. This is yet another perfect example of counting your blessings because when things like this happen you realize that the good things are really really good… And the bad things very frustrating, but they could be so much worse. I would rather be fighting with her to go to school then dealing with her being gravely ill.  So, I'm counting the blessing that she's healthy and that we will get through today and that at some point hopefully in the near future I will get a decent amount of sleep in a row without interruption. Yes, I am forever the optimist. I have to be or I might lose my ever loving mind.

Well, better out than in. So there you have it and now I'm going to close my eyes while I hear the bathwater run in my bathroom next to my room and hope that she doesn't take forever. Crossing my fingers, both of them, and my toes. Sending lots of prayers as well. Have a great day everybody, I'll be "Bach".

Sometimes it is good to just talk... or when the world is sleeping, to write.

Well, it has been about 16 months since I last posted here, and that was a deliberate move.  I needed to refocus on anything besides illness and so instead I began to work on business, and holidays, and then suddenly the local move we were making became less local.  Practically overnight we moved away from the North Bay and I launched a renewed business with crazy activity.  Next thing I know is I am fully immersed in the weddings and events industry in a full time capacity, more or less, with an assistant and some crazy busy schedules and a smidge overwhelmed.

It is almost a year after the move, and I am feeling even more shifts coming.  And with that comes opposition.

Anyway, I needed to journal and decided to do it here.  Why not?

I am concerned there may be some mold in here from the leak in the master toilet room.  I have been off balance, brain foggy, and having increased pain and memory issues.  In addition my eyesight is more blurry, and my hands are locking up, joints are really affected, and much of this I have not felt for quite some time.

I feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and wish I had some more help.  But I have some very special people who give so much... and it is hard when you want to give back.  Instead I am currently behind on business expenses due to being so sick over the last couple months... I just need that breakthrough already... seriously!

I am done... I have so much I could say, but I do not want to go into it.  My head is hurting, hands are cramping, and I feel like crying, so maybe this is not going to be so helpful right now after all.  Plus eyesight is acting up again.  Something is going on and has got to change!!!

so there...

Time to say goodbye

After nearly 2 years of having this blog, I have to move in a different direction.  I have been working hard to create the platform necessary to live my passions fully.  I recognize that I have a voice for a reason, and though I love people and have a heart for people suffering from lyme, (of course) I have to be careful not to submerse myself in those murky depths.  If one is very tied to the illness, diagnosis and prognosis, I cannot help them as I would wish to.  And honestly, I cannot be limited by that.  I surely would love to reach the lyme community, a worthy community to reach out to, but I want more.  I want to touch the world.  And so I shall.  Regardless of illness or pain, both very real states I must contend with, I will continue to increase and do whatever I can to share with the world at large any darn thing I can that may bring benefit.  I wasn't called solely to my local community.  I know this.  I have always known this.  It is a bit intimidating, yes.  However, I will not allow this silly long term health interruption any more ability to steal my life and what I have to give.  I say NO and I am going to do what I was created to do ANYWAY!  So there.  Goodbye.  I will see you in the next chapter, I hope... nay, the next book.  I am closing the book on this one. :)

Love to you all.  Much appreciation for all you have done to support in support of me and my family.  I will post the new blog on my FB page located at www.facebook.com/jen.antoniou

You can also find me on twitter @jenantoniou and I am newly on instragram, but I am not sure my name there... probably the simple "jenantoniou".  Let's see what this next journey entails!  :)

The transformation

I had been angry, scared and frustrated. I felt God wasn't listening. Did He even care. Fed up and still mad I made a decision... this is what happened:

When I came to a place where I was so desiring Him and His will, and was willing to lay it ALL down for Him, even my dreams and desires, and said Yes... He began to show me what to do. When you say yes and make the decision, the answers begin to present themselves. I was so scared of giving up my whole life, my will, my dreams, MYSELF, but instead found that our desires matched. I let go of things I didn't need, and found much of what I thought I wanted was what He had breathed into me in the very beginning. That instead of losing myself, I began to truly FIND MYSELF. And who I found was profoundly more beautiful than I could have imagined. I have faced some very difficult times, and they are easier now than they were before. I'd never have been able to go through it before, but at the same time, more amazing things happen than ever could have. You find that you rise above. Greater joy, greater peace, greater understanding of how incredibly amazing you were created in Him. This has been my journey. I cannot speak for someone else. This is what happened when I was at a crossroads and I chose to die to self. I have no regrets.

A big step... time to face it.

I am profoundly sad.  I am grieved and hurting.  I am wanting to avoid part of this process for a couple reasons.  One, I love people deeply.  To look at, process the feelings and situations, and vent it out is painful.  But necessary.  I am speaking of facing the wounds from my past, the people that were instrumental in causing them, and write it all out.  It feels like a betrayal of people I love, in most cases.  Even likely more difficult is forgiving myself for whatever it is I am holding against myself.  My body is at war.  Inflammation is a body warring against itself.  There has to be emotional and spiritual significance to this.  This forgiveness homework has been given to me a long time ago, in my healing process.  I avoided it.  If I were to come to you, for instance, and tell you how action or words from you caused a deep wounding, you would have deep regret, because you are a kind and loving person.  You would either already carry this regret and pain, completely aware of the error of your ways, or you would be made aware and then the pang would be something you would have to process.  Just as difficult, and maybe scary for me, would be that you didn't see eye to eye with me and didn't feel there was anything about your behavior that could have caused me hurt.  That could make you angry, or you could dismiss me as being overly emotional.  Any variation of things could come about.  And maybe, just maybe, my recollection or response to things as a small child could be erroneous.  But it doesn't matter... wounding is wounding, pain is pain.  A simple I am sorry carries such significant weight, even if whatever happened was not intended or recalled.  Just being sorry that someone is hurting should be enough, and the other party should be willing to say it.  Because of love.

More than anything, I do not want to inflict pain on anyone.  I have carried enough myself to never want to cause it.  But I have.  Many times.  Not purposely, I don't think.  I am pretty sure that even when I feel like I want to or I can easily (though temporarily) justify such behavior, I do not think I have ever intentionally caused someone pain.  Why would you?

Then the next layer... self forgiveness.  I am beginning to think this may be the biggest part of my healing.  And frankly, I am scared.  I am so not wanting to go there.  But it may be easier than going face to face with my parents, brothers, sis-in-laws, aunts, uncles, friends, and so on... whoever may be one I need to release from anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, whatever is hidden in there.  Hidden, as if it were not, it would be dealt with already.

So here I am... knowing I have a healing appt at 10am and concerned I will be up all night with this.  I have put it off until the last minute.  Not on purpose really, but maybe?  I am kinda afraid to open this box.  What if it is Pandora's box?

I AM IMPORTANT ENOUGH!  I am important enough to take this step.  This very brave step into something unknown and potentially dark.  But I have a feeling that once illuminated, there will be a shine reflected that is brighter than the depth of darkness previously encountered.  Lord, please give me strength and wisdom in which places to go.  Hold my hand, hold me in your arms... keep me safe as I encounter things I don't want to see.  And in this, bring me healing such as I have never experienced before.  Freedom I have never known, that I can share with others.

I love you, and I love me... and reader, I love you too.  Thank you for caring enough to be a part of my journey.  May you have the courage to do the same, and may you experience a pure, deep, fierce freedom for yourself.

Cover me... I am going in...

Thank you!

Today I want to share a special thank you to you all who read my posts.  I will get more regular, though it has not been an easy task for me, because I tend to expend any "extra" energy that comes in on all the things I am behind on, so this gets tabled.  However, I feel I need to keep up on it, and I greatly appreciate the love and heart that goes into wading through all of this.  I know my life is challenging, and it is my daily deal... and realize it is often difficult to wade through someone else's 'stuff', whether or not it is easier or harder than your story, simply because it is not your story.  Thank you for caring enough to read, or even just being curious enough.  The surprise feedback I receive from people, when I had no idea they would care to read my posts, is encouraging, uplifting and gives me hope.  Extra hope, I mean.  :)

When a person is as vulnerable as I have been, with fatigue and/or very high pain levels... or even when the pain is lower, but CONSTANT, it can be scary.  You don't know if you will say the right things... whether or not that means you overshare, or you use the wrong word... and really don't know how people will choose to respond.  So  you can often be overwhelmed and on edge, trying to be careful.  What you are then doing is expending valuable healing energy to keep from offending anyone.  I give up on that.  I would never intentionally offend someone, so I let that go.  That is an internal thing for them.  I am doing my best.

Anyway, I digress.  THANK YOU.  I love you.  I truly do.  And if we have not met, we will have to remedy that and you will then soon enough know that I mean it.  :)

Blessings on you all!

Jen

Love is the answer...

Though not Lyme related, I wanted to share this.  It is important.  And it actually does relate to chronic illness, as it is allowed a foothold when the ability to receive and give love is lacking.  I am working on it.  <3

My response to a post on the recent court decision and how people are reacting:

As a licensed, ordained minister and wedding officiant, I am in a position to choose to love and embrace every person, or not. I just keep hearing LOVE, LOVE, LOVE over and over. It makes sense to love, as God IS LOVE.

Just as I don't share my opinion of favorite color with another, I won't always agree with others and their choices. How do I respond then to these situations? As I came home this evening, after having spent some time with a new couple in our community and realizing that they are a couple, and both male, I was searching for answers in how to respond to things that are very contrary to what I have been taught and I have been unsure of what to think or feel. I LOVE people. I cannot distinguish between people based on color, gender, sexual orientation, beliefs, whether they are a cat or dog person, or anything else. Bottom line, each person is an individual who deserves my love and respect solely because they are a person and created by our Loving Father. Created by love, meant to thrive on love, and aught to be loved to wholeness, whatever our Creator means that to be. As I felt a sense of freedom to love, JUST LOVE, and recognizing THAT is my responsibility, and that is pretty much it, I felt joy and excitement at even more opportunities to show that love. Then as I approached my building, a song went through my head that stood out as an excerpt of scripture, which I then looked up. Then I smiled and my heart laughed because it confirmed it all...

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (It even covers the sin of judgment, which many should be very grateful for. I know I am. And am also quite grateful that my erroneous thinking has been cleaned up... kinda funny on how difficult it is to judge someone you are loving. heh)

Regardless of what is right and wrong, you love. As Jesus did. And I admire and look up to Him and want to be JUST LIKE HIM!

Whatever you have done, are doing, will do, or didn't, aren't or won't be doing will not pull you out of a place of the love I have for you. Even when sometimes I don't like you or something you are doing, I can always still love you. Whoever you are, wherever you live, whether or not we know each other... LOVE. It really is the answer. Or should I say HE really is the answer. Love, He is the answer. :)